Cumpleanos Feliz

Happy Birthday to Madame Editor-in-Chief!

Chopped and Screwed

DMX and Jesse Jackson, Jr. you've officially been Chopped and Screwed. Didn't I warn you ignant futhermuckers, this was going to happen. Didn't you see our post on the little drummer boy? Don't say the Shiznit didn't warn you! Good people of the Shiz, watch as the dominoes fall. Week by week, for the next 4 years, a quota of lime light nigglets will be brought down to their knees! So all you negroes and negresses, watch your back. Don't let John Forte being pardoned fool you. That pardon was in exchange for a list of about 20 other nigglets wrapped up in a holiday box with a bow on it!

Let's start with DMX. This is just embarrassing. A drug addict hiding out in a foreclosed house that belongs to someone else. What on earth? Who reported him a bitter real estate agent? This is one brother who can't get a break.

Moving on! Jesse...Jesse! Why Jesse, Why? Hasn't your father done enough damage! Just when Barack comes along to clean it up for us, you go and do something like this. The media doesn't even refer to you by your name any more, they just call you by your FBI name Candidate #5! We don't even know who candidate #1,2,3, and 4 are! No, they have just plastered your black a$$ all over the news.

Don't sign up for that class!

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung by the Temptations. And folks dressed up in fur coats like Eskimos. Everybody knows......, it's going to take more than turkey and mistletoe for me to stray to the other side of the tracks. What is the other side you ask? Let's just say you bring home Sally or Hank for Christmas instead of Keisha or Tyvon! That's just a gift that your family never had a hankering about. Doesn't matter what race you are, if you celebrate your holiday's like an Amish family style smorgasbord, this applies to you too. You might be able to pull this off if you come from a lame family of cuatro! However, otherwise don't sign up for that class.

It's an unspoken rule. But can you imagine the family sitting together ready to listen to Nat King Cole sing the Christmas song, and all of a sudden your new beau puts in Yanni live at Buckingham Palace. Now look, we know that Yanni is talented, but he just doesn't fare thee well at the Soul Christmas. Now go on and pull out that James Brown Christmas please. In order to pull this off you will have had to introduce said outsider to each family member individually over the past year, so that they can adjust their race-o-meter.

The oreo romance works out about as well as an office romance (can'O worms for a nuva day)! Everyone isn't always welcome to break bread at the last supper table. You have to be able to recognize the greatness that is the big spoon and fork wall art. So good fans of the Shiznit, I leave you with these wise words from Nat:

Although it's been said many times, many ways, don't sign up for that class!

Making a list, checking it twice!

Time after time, year after year, we celebrate the holidays with style and class. That is until we receive that gift, that leaves you speechless and looking from side to side as if the swat team is on your back. You can't believe that you received such nonsense from someone who should have known better. Today the Shiznit take a look at the top 10 gifts that you just don't want. The gift that your parents always said "It's the thought that counts!" But you know deep down that if THOUGHT's were a bug it would be a roach, and would be good as dead.

10. The Clapper- Clap on....Clap Off....Clap on, Clap off....The Clapper! For years I have seen these commercials, but never knew anyone who owned one of these contraptions. Can you imagine the lazy Lima bean that created this thing. You can't get up to turn off your light in your room. How lame is that? If you have one of these, next year the Shiznit will be giving you a coupon for a weekend stay at the finest nursing home on the south side of Chicago.

9. Celebrity Perfume/Cologne- This applies to all with the exception of Diddy. Not even Liz Taylor's White Diamonds are excused from this list. Just think to that glorious day, where you are ripping open your Christmas paper, and voila, there you have a supersized bottle of T-Pain Tranquil Beaches!

8. Food Baskets- You know the ones! Nasty slimy jellies/jams, salty sausages (no pun intended), and processed cheeses. Why are these things still on the market? I just knew that after 1995 those things were going to die. You know who I blame this on don't you?????? The man!

7. Avon/Mary Kay Gift products- Thanks a lot for a rash in a bottle. Just what I always wanted. Ooh and you got me the country grass scent! Smells so earthy!

6. Chia Pet- A plant shaped like a pet. Who wouldn't want that. It just screams gotta have it. I wonder what the Chia Pet fall 2009 collection will consist of. Doesn't matter because I gots to have my plant pet. It brings the chicness out in my living room.

5. Books- In hindsight it seemed like a good idea, but in reality your the only lonely Joe who has no life and mucho time to read. Nobody wants a book when you have a blog as fantasmic as the Shiz! Just a word of warning.

4. Flannel PJ's- Who thought that Flannel was the fabric that would make your nights slumber more comfortable? Who thought that Flannel should be sold in fabric stores for any kind of use? Private summers have nothing on flannel pj's.

3. Calling Card- IIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii, am caaaaaaaalllllllllinnnnnngggggggg youuuuuuuuuu! Now this would have been a great gift like 10 years ago. Maybe even 8 years ago. But today, you are lucky if I don't reach out and smack your dumb a$$ with the heel of my boot. Maybe I can use it towards my texting on my cell phone.

2. Fruit Cake- Who decided that this would be a good dessert let alone a gift? Mushy fruit, that once baked, taste exactly like raisins. Ugghhhh! This sounds appetizing how? Can you imagine the breath of the person who just had a slice of Berneatha's fruit cake? I'm bout to puke, 'scuse me!

1. Walkman- What the "F" am I going to do with a walkman? Do you know how stupid you will look walking around with a walkman? Better question do you know anyone who still owns one, because the Shiznit is handing out vouchers for free backhand smacks to the face to anyone who owns a walkman or the even more We-tod-did Discman! If you are insistent on giving out a Walkman make sure it comes complete with a Babyface cassette tape!

Little Drummer Boy

Merry Christmas Black People, they incarcerated The Juice. That's right now close your mouth, Cause you cold busted! And no I am not talking about Oran Juice Jones, its Orenthal James. Barack Obama has won the presidency, and the man (white people) is not having any more of our shiznit! You know their first impulse was to run up on him and do a Rambo, pull out the Jimmy and flat blast him! But instead they chilled. That's right chilled!They are starting with OJ, but they are about to mop the floor with our arses. Now don't get me wrong, I believe OJ did it, like the next man, but I can think of at least 200,000 former slave owners who never did any time for beating, raping, killing, torturing, black folks for years. They are going to see to it that he suffers, and that we don't see his face in 2023. That release date is going to come up with not so much as a peep from his former in laws. Why? Because he'll be long gone by that time.

Rodney King, I know you are on that MTV drug show to improve your life, but run brotha. You next! Don't go lookin' in that closet 'cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. So until then. You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, hushpuppy-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with. Cause you dismissed!

Sleighbells, Jingling, Ring, Ting, Tingling, too!

Johnny Matthis said it best when he sang his classic song "Sleigh Bells!" However there are lots of crimes during this annual festival of greed! My friends, you should thank father Clause for the return of Top 10 Tuesday. Today we will examine the Top 10 things that the Shiznit dislikes about Christmas.

10. Multicultural Santa Clause's- People lets just face it, St. Nick is White. As a black owned blog, we have to admit that there is nothing worse than running into a brother who is calling himself Santa, with a frown on his face because he really doesn't like kids after all. This goes for the Hispanic Santa's out there too. It might fly in your native country, but not here in the good ole U.S. of A. Santa Clause is white,....... like Jesus. Hey don't give me that lip about he had hair of lambs wool, so does Howard Stern, Ben and Fred Savage, but I don't see you all trying to claim them.

9. Holiday Fashion- Men and Women alike shall be awarded a hefty fashion fine for Christmas sweaters this year. Year after year, we have laughed until we have pissed our pants, and said p*ss froze up in the blustery winters night, over Christmas Sweaters. And all of you little Polly Pockets that thinks its cool to wear patent leather church shoes, with frilly ruffle socks, can suck on a piece of Jell-O!

8. Busy Christmas Cookies- Here at the Shiznit we pride ourselves as connoisseurs of food, so you can't pull the wool over our eyes when it comes to delectable desserts. If you place any of the following items in your holiday cookies, you should be be-headed: Raisins, cranberry's, maraschino cherries, coconut, jelly. You get the point. This is the season of powdered sugar, chocolate chips, butter, cream cheese, marshmallows, rolled oats, etc. Don't pull a Martha Stewart!

7. Carolers- What idiot came up with this idea. Who thought it was safe for a group of goofy strangers to walk up and down the street ringing people's doorbells, like Jehovah's Witness, and forcing the poor family inside the home, to listen to the word of God, via music. Well the Shiznit does the same thing to these crazy Yule Logs, that it does to the Jehovah's Witness. We turn off all the lights in the house, hide out, and look through the peep hole until it is safe to come out.

6. Black Christmas Films are a staple around the holiday time. However they are never really good. The producers usually look to those black stars who really need to catch a break. You know the usual suspects who never see the light of day the rest of the year, nor have they ever been in a film with anyone outside of their race.

5. Target go to heck! You call those sale prices, well shrew you! I don't care how dingy and in need of a makeover Wally World is, that is where I will be doing my Christmas shopping. Sure Tar'Zhe is beaming with a Christmas glow, but the prices scream member of Satan's army. I would like to match up your quote on quote prices with Wally's regular prices. Punks (Tar'Zhe) jump up to get beat down! Apparently you guys at the home of the bulls eye didn't get the memo that we were in a recession. True story...Barack Obama said so!

4. Real Christmas trees are so overrated. Fake is where it's at. You buy it one time and it last for at least 5 years. When is the last time you have been able to take a real tree out to the shed and go back out a year later to put it back up for Christmas? Oh you guessed it, the Shiz is gonna tell ya. Never! Besides that the real trees always have the oddest shapes. Either there are not enough pine needles, or it's fuller on one side than the other, so it causes the tree to lean. Not to mention all the tree parts that end up on your freshly buffed and waxed hardwood floor. Besides I don't need any Forest bugs showing up in my home (courtesy of the tree) trying to hate on our Christmas Celebration because he's Jewish. (DIFFERENT CAN'O WORMS FOR A NUVA DAY)

3. Starbucks goes into overdrive for 11 months trying to come up with those three Christmas flavors that everyone comes to know and love. Double Peppermint Mocha Java Hut Latte, Can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man Candy Cane Chai, and Dancer, Prancer, Donner, and Blitzen Frappachino's will be sold at Market price annually. Then come January and you can't have anymore, just when you finally found the flavor you love. Not to mention those Christmas compilation Cd's that Da Bucks put out, with the same songs, which by the way they just change the album cover, so that the CD never sees the light of day of the clearance rack.

2. Church is in session almost every day of the week during the Christmas Season. We might as well change the name of the month to Churchember, because weather you like it or not that is where you will be. How do they expect the Shiznit staffers to go out shopping for their families, with this busy church schedule? I know the saved don't think we accomplished all of that on Black Friday, during the month of Turkeyvember!

1. Christmas Compilations are just a major musical faux pas. In recent years many artist have tried their finger at old Christmas classics, and have sang them beyond recognition. Just think back circa 199?, I can't think of the year, but TLC decides to put their spin on "Sleigh Ride!" TLC and Christmas music go together about as well as.... T-Boz and singing. Separately it's magic, but put them together and you just have the second largest world disaster on your hands. Donny Hathaway was the last of the great Christmas song singers. The Shiznit is of the firm belief that there are enough pre-1970's Christmas Music to last us a nutha century. We don't need any new updates, kind words of warning to T-Pain and anyone else who may have thoughts of Sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads.

Lazy Hustla

So it's that time of year when we give thanks! Most of you greedy retards will only eat until you have sugar diabetes. Have you ever stopped and consider giving a little so that some other unfortunate soul might be thankful. Of course not. Thank goodness here at the Shiznit we are givers. We have taken to helping out those in need this holiday season, and so that we don't come off as self righteous braggers, I will end it right there.

Now on to you selfish S.O.B.'s! Nothing burns me up more than that yearly request for can goods, for the needy. Why does this supposed good dead irk me so? I will give you two reasons. One people are hungry all year long, why load them up with the good stuff on the last Thursday in the month, then let them down on the last friday of the month and the days to follow. Have a heart!

Moving on to reason two, people always give away old stuff they don't want anymore. If you don't want a 5 year old bottle of brand x apple sauce, what makes you think someone else wants it. I know they are needy, but everyone has a cutoff point. Can you imagine Benji, the former janitor from Holy Cross Hospital, coming in to receive his care package, and it is loaded with year old goodies. Yummy! He can't wait to make a wish sandwich out of that moldy pumpernickle, and wait til he opens that can of two year old Corn. Surprise!!!!!!!, the corn has been in there so long, he now gets a free sip of Makers Mark Bourbon and a side of creamed corn. You little giver you, two gifts in one can.

Pepsi Break

OK I didn't want to break away from church week but I had to do it. There is too much to talk about, so we will get back to our praise and worship tomorrow.

Item numero uno: Beyonce's new CD. I likes! Perhaps I like the Sasha Fierce half of the album better than the Beyonce half. Nonetheless still a good effort. I didn't know what to expect. A lot sounds like she borrowed Prince's former band the Revolution. Perhaps she convinced Wendy and Lisa to strike up those instruments and help her out on her new album. So what makes her Sasha Fierce, is it that King of Pop glove that she is wearing? Or is it the double disc, which by the way I am of the mind that she could have fit all 11 songs on 1 CD? But I digress. However I now realize that I really don't dislike Beyonce as much as I thought. It's Kelly Rowland who we hate. She is the leach who hangs on to Beys proverbial ball's! Bey has done nothing but befriend this desperately seeking Susan. Sorry for all of the unkind words in the past Mrs. Carter or shall I call you Your Fierceness?

Numero Dos: Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am hooked, this has to have been the best Housewives of them all. I liked New York, but when I watch ATL I feel like I am at a family reunion, minus Kim though. I don't think she could come around trying to sing, and no one tell her. NeeNee is a favorite.

Numero Tres: Keyshia Coles show. Honestly they should change this to the Frankie and Neffy comedy hour. Somebody please donate a church outfit to Frankie. Please. I know this is supposed to be the last season, but they have to give Frankie and Neffy their own show. BET if you do nothing else for black people please give us more cowbell, in the form of Frankie and Neffy. Sadly for Keyshia they are ruining her career, because now I could care less about her Cd's I just want to see her mother say "Man down" and hear her sister curse somebody out every 15 seconds.

The Evils of Carnality!

Gluttony Envy Pride Greed Sloth Wrath Lust

As you can tell from today's topic someone who works for the Shiznit has started to enter the house of the Lord. To God be the glory! Is this a conspiracy of the Catholic Church to condemn all of our souls to eternal damnation. Here at the Shiznit we commit all of these sins on at least a weekly if not daily basis. Lets examine these sins, shall we?

Gluttony- The over indulging or over consumption of anything. Down with Thanksgiving Dinner you negligible gluttons. I have seen these gluttons walking around and they disgust me, with all of their over spending and over eating. Oh wait, that's my second plate of food. I thought they were talking about the ones with the 4th and 5th plates. My bad. I will just try and have one from now on. Oh these, I got these shoes like 4 years ago, I wear these old things all the time. I might give them to some unfortunate soul if I get a hole in the bottom. You get the point people.

Envy- Is definitely one of the worst sins on the list. The desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. Haters beware, the lord hath his eye on you and he heard what you said about Michelle Obama's dress! But we have an even bigger issue people! Beyonce's new CD is coming out tomorrow and its guaranteed to be a lot of envious people on the sidelines, us included. Sure we will purchase the CD, but you already know how we do at the Shiznit. The world is doomed to die in the biggest flame of fire you will ever see! And we ain't talking about the California wild fires. No the lord holds a special place in his heart for lady B, which is why she is at the top, and the envious ones are at the bottom. But on the real I am going to need her to ease up off of the Ballads when she makes her fourth album "I was always a solo artist, with backup dancers!"

Pride- This can be tricky for my peeps because since the day we were born we were told to have pride and hold our head up,like Martin Luther King! Get back Lucifer, I rebuke you! Pride is the excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individuals recognition of the grace of God. I am starting to believe that life after Hollywood, ain't all that great. There's a lot of pride in that town. Kanye, you are going to have to do a little more than sing Jesus Walks!

Greed- You people thought the state of California was burning because of some mad arsoner! No that's just his majesty beaming down through extra hot sun rays reminding all of those millionaires to donate to us little folks sometimes. Thank you Lord!

Sloth- Flat out laziness. I would love to take the fall for this, but I blame America. They have made everything available to all of the Slothful Americans, legals, and illegals alike. We've been backed into a dark hollow corner of laziness. Especially DJ Anthology who hasn't written a blog posting in a couple of months now! Its real dark and lonely at the bottom Anthology!

Wrath- I don't know how to avoid wrath, but to relocate to some super friendly backwoods peninsula around 36 longitude, and 175 latitude, such as Happytown, Canada! If you live in a major city the fact is no matter how fly you are, how much money you make, and if your significant other has the best pimp juice in town, you are a doomed S. O. B. You are the meanest futhermuckers ever. Feel the wrath on Judgement day biatch!

Lust- Obsessive thoughts of sexual desires. Its safe to say that Mme. Editor in Chief is a regular luster. As a matter of fact she was lusting so much recently that the lord just went on ahead and blessed her with a lil sum'n sum'n to curve her appetite, so that she might enter into the kingdom of heaven. And we are not talking about a slice of pie, this was more like Banana's Foster. I'm guessing its safe to say that maybe there is space for Mme. Editor in Chief to blog eternally in the pits of darkness.

The Lord is my Sheperd, he knows what I don't have!

The Shiznit is dedicating this week to the Church. We've been enlightened to share our love of the lord with the fans, in a different but unique way. Shiznit Style if you will. I know that some of you are sensitive, but everything we do is in good positive spiritual fun. Also, thanks to the economy we don't have enough money to give Tithes & Offerings, so we figure if we give 10% of our blog time to the Lord it more than makes up for what we lack in the big gold plate.

Speaking of which, lets examine this whole tithing and offering situation. Word on the street is that we are supposed to give 10% of our earnings to the church. Now we aren't selfish, but when did the omnipotent start working in the form of dividends. What did they tithe with when there wasn't money? Someone let us know, so that I can start giving that way. The staff at the Shiznit are traditionalist and would like to tithe the historic and/or original way. Pass the Peas like we used to do!

Two Words

Wayne Brady! Get It. Still Amazed!

You know I realize now that I have spent the first half of my life underestimating people. Wayne Brady is one of those people who was forced to make a believer out of the Shiznit. Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the new side of Wayne Brady. Perhaps its his old side, that he is bringing to the forefront. Whatever the case his new CD is simply amazing. He doesn't try to hard, he is just a natural. Move over Jamie Foxx, theirs a new strip of bacon in the pan! The Highlights of the album are pretty much the whole damned thing! You decide.

Operation Celebration! Mission Complete

Yes.WE.DID! And if you are a part of the opposition and you are complaining today, kick rocks cuck-soccer, beat it!

For all of those that didn't believe me when I said he would devour the opposition, bite me.

To Sarah Palin, pig go put some lipstick on!

To John McCain, sorry you lost a second time, but at least this time it was to a better man.

To Black People, Mazel Tov, its a celebration b*tches, L'Chayim!

To all of the other masses who supported Barack, once you go black, you know the rest! Thanks for the turnout and whatnot!

To George Bush, have your sh*t out by January One!

To Joe Biden, enjoy the ride!

And in closing Obamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Oh and if you are not from DC, and you talk trash about Marion Barry, F you because he won another election last night as council member in the 8th Ward!

The Vote has been Baracked!

One half of the Shiznit has voted so far. Mme. Editor-in-Chief, went out at 6:42am with her seed and her younger brother. As some of the Shiznit's fans know, all of the above people are crazy and hilarious. We must have had the whole voting line about to pee on themselves from laughing. When we arrived at Oxon Hill Elementary (O-Hill Represent), the line was wrapped around to the back of the school. We had no choice but to get the jokes started and get a gym credit for hiking to the back of the school. As we are standing in line we have seen black folks from every walk of life come out. I know some of the men haven't come up out of their mama's basement in almost 20 years. It was so good to see Bubba N'dem, Man Man the pusher man, and Nikki the Ho of Babylon resurface!

The highlight of the voting was definitely supporting the first time voters. Who knew that they would be the laughing stock, simply because they were a FTV? So as I approached the line I ran into a girl from High School, who shall remain nameless, because I had no idea she was a first time voter. You know I always thought us Catholic School kids were so progressive, but I guess not. So she is in front of me and she goes up to get her card, and the people up front shout out, to the audience of about 300 black folks + kids, and says "We have another first time voter, lets cheer them on and give them a round of applause!" I die, literally. Once I come to, I picked my convulsing body up off the ground, wiped the tears from my eyes, and stopped laughing, I was able to cheer my fellow alumni on! But as I cheered, I thought to myself this was the same girl who was progressive enough to have not 1 but 2 babies while in High School, but this is her first time voting. But better late than never, is what we always say at the Shiznit, and she came out right on time for Barack! She probably voted for slots too, but that is a different can of worms for another day! Happy voting everyone.

When Doves Cry????

Time after time, after time, after time, I have received emails with the most disturbingly hilarious ghetto wedding photo's. Well today is no different. Today I received what I thought was an innocently tacky wedding photo shoot of a couple with bad haberdashery judgement.

The Bride

Quanette' Murdock is glamorous as she steps down the aisle in a White frock with what looks like big lollipops without the stick attached to the gown. I'm not talking your plain tootsie pop. No that is for lame Joe's. I'm talking huge Willie Wanka-esque rainbow swirl lollipops! Her bouquet (courtesy of the craft department at Michael's craft store) is laden with flowers that range from every spectrum of the rainbow.

The Groom

Man Man Robinson is so debonair in his rainbow colored vest to match the lovely pendants on the brides gown. What caps Man Man's look off is the rainbow colored tennis shoes that match the vest. Just when you think they had covered all of the patterns that could possibly end up on a shoe! Also who knew that sports shoes should ever show up at a wedding.

So as this affair is going on Man Man gets bored and starts texting people at his own wedding. But Nette' knows how to get his attention back. She lifts up her dress (bedroom style) and tells Man Man to come get the garter. The photo captures it all. The excited look on Man Man's face is a cross between I'm the champion and I am going to blow her back out tonight. I had to do a double take to capture that look on Man Man's face again, when all of a sudden I realized something. Man Man really is Latasha Robinson from across the street. No one warned me that it was a Lezzyfest! Not even the rainbows gave it away. I just shrieked in horror. This is what it sounds like when Doves Cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignorance becomes insitutionalized!

OK, so here at the Shiznit we are big supporters of the whole HBCU network. Why? you ask! Well I will tell you. The Shiznit staff of two both attended HBCU's, one of us was fortunate to attend the esteemed Howard University, while the other not so fortunate staffer had to go to Morgan State University! Speaking of which, these two schools met up at the better schools homecoming for a showdown on the football field.

Now lets face it, Howard University has the best homecoming amongst all colleges and universities, not just HBCU's. I'm serious just ask the people over at Sport's Illustrated, they will tell you. However it doesn't mean that this renowned institute of higher learning is above opening it's doors to ignorance. Ignorance needs love too. So one of our staffers decides to attend Howard Universities Yardfest on Friday. No harm in that. Wrong!!!!!!!!! If you can get past the sea of nappy headed h*es and perpetrating Percell's, who never even thought about going to school, you just might run into some of the folks, who attend, had attended, and will attend.

Said staffer, met up with another alumni to take it all in. Since it was kinda chilly on Friday. Let me rephrase that. It was cold on Friday, the two alumni are bundled up in stylish jeans, boots, and jackets. However they had not received the memo that it was summer time on the yard. There were so many girls in shorts with boots. I don't know the last time a boot protected me from the winter Hawk, but to each his own. Ignorance is alive and well.

So on to lunch! So its a must to stand in line for fried fish and fries at the Real HU. While waiting in line there are tons of club promoters with bullhorns trying to persuade the younguns on the yard to attend. One club promoter stood out amongst the crowd. How could he not as he spoke the words "All you real n*gga's come out to club Fur. My New York N*gga's! My Trini N*gga's! Big up my Trini N*gga's! Ladies get at me if you wanna party with real N*gga's!" What better place to find a N*gga than at an institution of higher education. I was quite frankly embarrassed because I had no idea that I had gone to school with n*gga's. That I had come back to meet up with a bunch of n*gga's! Can you imagine what the line must have looked like at Fur that night. N*gga's running wild. Ignorance 101 at an HBCU! So I get my fish and my mind is now off of the most ignorant n*gga on the yard, out of nowhere I hear this raspy singing. Is this brother choking on wind? He is killing my ears, but people are clapping for him. "Other alumni, hold my fish please!" I go to catch a glance, and it's none other than no shape-up heartthrob, Terrance Howard! I love T. Howard, but he is ignorant enough to believe he can sing. His singing is like Terrance Trent D'arby with the flu! Master guitar player, who knew? Singing sensation, N*gga please!

When I think it couldn't possibly get any worse, I decide to go to the bookstore to purchase some Howard tagged items. Imagine my chagrin when I rise to the second floor and none other than Howard University's own Omarosa Manigault is conducting a book signing. So I am happy for her because she has been given the short end of the stick by public media. I debate with myself over whether I buy the book, or not! Not! The book was titled The Bitch Switch! This n*gga done lost her mind. So I go back downstairs and "Browse" when I keep hearing this loud mouth boy, who refuses to shut up. He wants to be seen so bad. Who is it? None other than Roll Bounces own Brandon T. Jackson. I can only imagine how jealous you guys are that you didn't get to see him, considering how popular and well known he is in Hollywood. I start thinking to myself, "I truly am surrounded by n*gga's, maybe I should have gone to Morgan State University! Ignorance is institutionalized! Now can I please go back to my life without a bunch of n*ggerdom!

Let me clear my thoat? (Pun intended)

Exsqueeze Me, can you please stop playing word games? Seriously there are some folks out there who should be banned from the English speaking world. Have you had a conversation with a co-worker and you walked away wondering what East African dialect of Arabic they were speaking? Well I have news for you, they were speaking English. Was it proper? Nah! Did they put a lot of effort into it? Hell yeah, Didn't you hear how they said Shaushage with conviction? If you are wondering what a shaushage is....so begins our discussion.

Food for thought:

Shaushage's can be found in almost any supermarket across the globe (especially the US and Germany). You and I know them as sausages, but Tobias refuses to pronounce his S's without an h, so there you have it, Shaushages! But they are indeed tasty.

Moving on to our next word: Panny Cakes! Because you just simply can't eat shaushages without Panny Cakes. To hear an adult talk about the joy they experienced while eating panny cakes and shaushages makes me wanna run in my pantry and pull out the big bottle of Mrs. Butterworths surrp.

Which brings me to Debbled Eggs! What is a a debbled egg? I have been offered debbled eggs so many times, but I kindly turn the host down because I only eat deviled eggs! Once you start debbling them I get turned off, because there isn't enough manayse.

Politically Speaking:

Its sad to say that although I am voting for Barack Obama I am learning to love Sarah Palin. Why? Because she's a Mavericky Mavericking Maverick, I look forward to Tina Fey mocking her for the next 4 years on SNL, and because she always reminds us about Nucular energy. I know that some of you might only be familiar with Nuclear Energy, but it's about time you step up your Nucular game. Where does Nucular energy exist, I don't know. Maybe its the outer rim of Nuclear energy.

Say my Name, Say my Name!

So I am sitting at my 9-5 when lunch hour falls upon me. So I do the usual go pick something up to eat and return to laugh it up with my folks. We get into a hot and heavy discussion about movies we love. And of course the uneducated bunch always bring up how much they love Friday (a movie which I never liked, but that's a different can'O worms). While in the midst of the conversation someone says, I just loved Frayzhon Love as Big Worm. Who the Eff is Frayzhon Love. I can recall a Faizon Love, but I didn't know he had a twin brother named Frayzhon, who played his stunt double in the movie.

The next victim of name fraud is Poor Donnie McClurkin. People have said his name wrong so many times that he fell down and did not get up. Donnie McClerklin, Donnie McKirklin. It's not that hard. (Mc-Clur-Kin)! Get it, Got it, good!

Which brings me to my all time favorite! Baskin and Robinson's. I don't know about you, but I have never purchased Ice Cream from that establishment. I prefer to get my sundaes from Baskin Robbins, although I believe Baskin and Robinson's just might have 42 flavors!

Past Perfect/Present Perfect

Flash back a couple of years when MTV was honoring Janet Jackson and they asked her brother's to introduce her. Low and behold they are really doing a good job, when all of a sudden the Gary, Indiana comes out of Marlon Jackson when he says "Janet, you all growed up now!" Growed up? Growed up, Marlon? I expect that from Randy Jackson, but come on Marlon. Grew is the past tense of grow. Not Growed! Same applies to Throw, the past tense is threw, not throwed.

So this Christmas season, if you open your mailbox and there is a free copy of word smart I & II, instead of a card know that its from the Shiznit with love. Changing lives one at a time. We are only giving out Cards to those who know how to talk.

I’ve got the grocery store blues

Grocery shopping is just not as exciting as it used to be. There are so many strange and interesting characters who go out of their way to make sure your shopping experience is uncomfortable. Top 10 reasons the Shiznit is too through! There could be more, but we are limited to 10. If you think we missed something let us know!

The Rule Breaker is here to stay. The rule breaker is that idiot with 52 items who insist on getting in the 15 items or less line. Who the hell do you think you are? It’s not that they can’t read, they just insist that they are going to have faster service regardless.

The Segregationist is the second most annoying person at the grocery store. Who is the segregationist? Oh, my friends you know him/her very well! It’s that person in front of you in the check-out line, who will have a fit, if your food is within 5 inches of theirs. So what do they do? He/She/It slams down that plastic stick that is used to separate orders from one another, like you don’t have common sense to get it yourself. Imagine this, Rutherford in front of you has $100 worth of groceries, meanwhile you have a soda, pack of Trident, and mini bag of chips. Rutherford just can’t stand the thought of accidentally having your $2.25 order standing side by side with his order, so the OCD victim slams down said plastic stick in protest. Why, because segregation is still alive and well! Dr. King is so disappointed.

Re-stockers get on my nerve for two reasons! A.) Because they never re-stock the stuff we grocery constituents want and need, and b.) Because they wait until the busy hours of the day to restock. They are in your way, but yet they somehow manage to make you feel like it’s the other way around. They are looking at you like, “I know you see me with all my boxes here, and you have the nerve to come down this aisle wanting flour and sugar!”

The Love Dr. lives and works at the grocery store. I wanna make love in this grocery store. Not! Usher did not sing it that way. So if you work at a grocery store stop trying to hit on people. No one in truth wants to date someone who works at the grocery store. Think about it. I know it’s decent that you have a job, but you just aren't on the level of the shopper. Which is why you work there, and they shop there. It’s not a meeting ground for future couplehood. Imagine Sarah a partner at a law firm dating, Brice from the meat department. Stop sprucing up your uniform with nice shoes and jewelry.

The Cart Racer is on his/her way to getting slapped. There are always about 10 of these idiots in a grocery store at any given time. The fool is about to run you over trying to get to the soup aisle. So what do they do, they ride their cart so close to your rear, that when you stop, there is a major collision with you and the metal battering ram.

Jesus loves the little children, all of the children of the world! Red and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in his site. Jesus loves the little children of the world. Well I ain't Jesus! I am of the mind that the grocery store is no place for kids, kinda like the liquor store! So please leave Man Man and Tee Tee home. Even if you have no sitter, I would rather you stay home and starve. These people are always in the way with their strollers, or the world famous child cart. You know the one, with a fisher price children's truck attached to the shopping cart. You look like an idiot. So does little Tommy.

The Constant Dropper should be banned from the grocery store. The constant dropper acts as though they never heard the phrase you break it, you buy it! Once they drop the glass jar of salsa/ or cheese spread they look at you as if you are going to take the fall for them. I know people with MS, Parkinson’s, and tremors that have a better grip on breakables than the constant dropper.

The Newbie who doesn't know sh*t. No matter what you ask the Newbie they don't know. Why? Because he/she just started. Where is the bathroom? I don't even know, I just started! So you mean to tell me you haven't peed all day. You just held it out like a soldier. Get the "F" outta here, you virgin!

The Sale Hog is just plain greedy. I like the next person love Minute Maid fruit punch, but just because it's on sale for $0.99 this week doesn't mean you have to get the whole stock of them, leaving everyone else with the tart lemonade. Besides, where are you going to store all of this juice Horse Head?

The Price Check shopper, has an eye for sales, a hand full of coupons! The price check shopper wouldn't be so annoying if they would just take care of this out of the line. They wait until they are in front of you to figure out a price. Then the dreaded blinking light has to be turned on. Had you known this would happen you would hath never lain all of your items out on the conveyor belt. S.O.B.!

High Pitch Heaven or So high only a dog can hear it!

When was it, that the American Public decided that it would be nice to hear a strapping lad singing in Soprano? When did that become sexy? Do you really want sweet nothings whispered in your ear, by a man with a voice 12 octaves higher than yours? Well apparently we do because we have attempted to make the following men rich.

1. Prince is the.......well...I guess you can say PRINCE of high pitchedness! Who is the King you ask? We may never know. But Prince is hands down the.......Prince of the high piercing screech. Somehow when one of his songs come on (lets say Insatiable), your body automatically goes into a time warp where there are ropes, chains, a strange mans breath beaming down your neck, and a king size bed with love ointments (waiting to be used) lying on the pillow. The next day you wake up hog tied to the shower rod, and you don't even how you got there. That ladies and gentleman is the power of Prince.

2. El Debarge where are you? I miss that little wavy haired ken doll! The last I remember hearing about El, is him getting locked up for domestic violence. 1 point for the home team. I know most people would say that is wrong, but if you are walking around getting beat up by the likes of El Debarge, you should be ashamed. Oh and step your fight club game up. If El even so much as tap danced and mistakenly stepped on my toe, I would take him out. Who is the weakling that got beat up by El? Whoever she is, should be ashamed, getting beat up by a 5'1, 115 lb., Balladeer. Magin Dat!

3. D'angelo's soprano is currently in jail or could be house arrest. Either way he hasn't really done a good job of preserving his Soprano Sexy! You know who I blame for this don't you? Angie Stone. She knew she wasn't on his level. And don't act surprised that I said it, because ya'll were thinking the same thing. Why couldn't she just go and date someone along the lines of Dave Hollister. If it wasn't for her we would have seen parts 2 & 3 of D's How does it feel trilogy. Or at least I was patiently lying in wait for part 2 & 3. However, despite all this travesty (weight gain, drugs, etc.), I still am a big fan of Lady. "I can tell their looking at us!"

4. Al B. Sure only had 15 minutes of High Pitched fame. 5 Minutes for Nite and Day (we won't discuss how he misspelled night), 5 minutes for Off on Your Own Girl, 1 minute for Rescue Me, 1 minute for Killing Me Softly, 1 minute for If I'm Not Your Lover, and finally 2 minutes for The Secret Garden. He got 2 minutes for Secret Garden because the song was hot, and he shared the stage with others, which is why he can't get full credited minutes. Al went into the Secret Garden, got lost, and never came back. Once upon a time I actually believed that Al was going to be around 4eva! But now the only remnants of him floating around are his sons Quincy (the cute cornball) and Lil B. Sure (the not so cute cornball). Although Quincy has the potential to be cool one day, that is if he takes his step daddy's money and runs! Lil B. Sure will just fade into the sunset with his dear old dad! Do you, wanna, wanna, rescue them?

5. Maxwell something about his songs just make you go into hysterics, all while washing dishes! Then the next thing you know, you are knocked up by some random fish face (catfish if you need more specifics), because you needed a quick fix, thanks to MAXWELL!

6. Bilal is just a character all together! Talented, but just strange as all hell. He has a high pitched voice and that is all I have to say about him.

7. Tevin Campbell must be making a come back because this is the second time we have used his name in our blog here at the Shiznit. Tevin was on a falsetto roll, when once upon a time (circa 1989) he was a guest star on the Arsenio Hall show, and could not deliver that sound that we had all come to know and love. Low and behold Tevin starts out in his usual aria, then somewhere in the middle his voice cracks, and he finishes the song as an Alto! Why Tevin, Why?

Enough is Enough! Or is it?

Initially I was going to write about Dancing With the Stars, but in walks Making the Band. There are sooo many things about this show that irk me, but I will start with the most irksome moments of the show: Q and Dawn. I will then follow that up with Aubrey (I am sure you get the point). To close I will just fill up the cornucopia with random fruits and vegetables from the show! The Highlight of this week was that we didn't have to see Mrs. Boom Kat! However through all of this I still remain steadfast in watching this show.

Qwanell and Dawn- Lets begin with the fact that his name is Qwanell, which is no fault of his, but it is his fault that he decided to stick with that name. Dawn, the whiny voiced, mocha colored, my little pony, officially irks my nerve. I tried to be supportive of their little love affair, but I can’t take her saying “Awwwwwww Babyyyyyyy” not another time. We have stated it here at the Shiznit before, “Its not gonna last!” Damn people when are you going to get it. Dawn is going to get tired of looking at those large marble eyes and Q is going to get tired of looking into that long antelope face of hers. I give it 6 more months of foolishness, before he tells her what he really thinks of her singing, and she will let him know how much he is lacking in macking & shacking, yada, yada, yada!

Aubarella- Well that is what she was calling herself a couple of seasons ago, when Danity Kane had their first show. Aubarella truly thinks she is a star, ordering people around, like she can’t lift a finger. She is one paycheck away from living right next door to the Shiznit headquarters. Who does she think she is? Christina Aguillera. No boo-kie, you are more on the level of Christina Millian, who right about now can only afford to live in her native of Waldorf, MD! But that is another can of worms, for another post (maybe tomorrow)! All in all, I really just wish this chick would shut up. She tries too hard, in a Ray J kind of way.

Diddy- What’s with him and his faux commercial breaks! I am convinced that he believes America, is just as in love with him as Kim Porter. When in reality we love him just as much as ex-Mega star Jennifer Lopez. I don’t need to see him flashing across the screen every 3 minutes with those too close Baboon Eyes, and that drooly mouth! His top lip is like a toucan beak, ready to pop open a can of soda pop! Did I just refer to a soft drink as soda pop?

The rest of the folk:
D. Woods, Aundrea, and Shannon- I see them on the screen, yet it seems like they are not really there. I couldn't tell you what they have been doing since the new season started. There is nothing to talk about.

Robert has finally learned to maintain his S-Curl. Now if we could just get him to realize that the S-Curl hasn't shone in the spotlight since Jodeci left the scene. If it were believe me, Usher would be shellacked down in moisturizer.

Brian, who I am convinced, was the inspiration for Diddy’s No Bitchassness campaign, really makes the hair on my baby toe stand up! Stop whining, cut off those extra skinny Virginia Slim cornrows, and retire.

Big Mike I like, because he is cool and down to earth, but is strait off the conveyor belt of the Build-a-bear workshop. Imagine dat, a build-a-bear with contacts, and an S-Curl. Ooh mommy can I have one?

The Ova guy! I still don’t know his name or his purpose! As a matter of fact I am still trying to figure out how he claimed a spot in this group. All I know now is that he is known for ripping off his wife beater at all the Day 26 shows. He is very reminiscent of Ronnie DeVoe, circa 1984.

The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed!

So word on the radio is that The Summit is going on tour. I say to myself..........Who tha? Then before I can complete my thought the announcer states that The Summit consist of non other than Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant, and Johnny Gill. Then another thought pops into said head.........What tha? Then the above stated announcer goes on to say that the concert will be at DC's own Constitution Hall. My question to The Summit is how do they plan to pack the house. That is unless they advertise this show as a comedy act. Let's evaluate this show. There is a lot to take into consideration.

The Group- Lets look at the fact that the name of the group sounds like a gospel singing group of 3 big sisters and their instrumentally talented but somewhat smaller 6 brothers from the south side of Detroit or Chicago (whatever tickles your fancy to envision this)! I could imagine this for Ginuwine, little Tevin Campbell, and Tyrese. But come on, New Edition minus BBD! That doesn't even sound right!

Bobby Brown- Reality TV Mega Star, definitely. Musical sensation, not so much! It will be extremely hard for him to pronounce the words to his songs when his mouth is so twisted to the side and rests right beside his ear! Sure he can hear what he's singing, but we won't be able to. But who knows! I just might like to see what Bobby still has in his repertoire of dance moves. And maybe he will bring out his equally talented son Landon (who we all know and love)! Majin Dat! Should be interesting. Maybe Bobby can convince Whitney and Little Bobbi Christina to join in as the family wonder, The Brown 4! Now that's a show.

Ralph Tresvant- Boy wonder, once upon a time. Beautiful falsetto voice, so 1980's! What are we going to get from him! He hasn't been a soprano in about 15 years. I don't know that I can appreciate his vocal stylings as a tenor! As a 40 something, these days he just isn't interesting! Maybe if he grows his 1980's shag back, I might be willing to pay attention.

Johnny Gill- Honey Roasted, Touche'! Beautiful Voice, true! Uses said beautiful voice to the best of his ability, not always! Within 2 minutes of his set, I guarantee he will be screaming like a howler monkey. My ears can't stand the pressure. The only way I might be willing to sit through this is if he brings Eddie Murphy out on the stage and serenades him with an awe inspiring version of My, My, My!

What's wrong with going on the road as New Edition? I know that Ricky Bell, Mike Bivins, and Ronnie Devoe aren't that busy. If it ain't broke don't fix it. The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed.

Cats do not provide Milk, or Wool, or Meat!

What do we need you for? What can you do? I can type in http://www.youtube.com/ with my pointer finger, my eyes closed, while standing on one foot in 2 seconds! People act so surprised when they are fired. You see it coming. Top 10 signs that you are about to be fired!

10. Milagros the clean up lady ask what your job entails. I know you cant possibly think she wanted to come to the USA to vacuum. She heard that there was going to be a job opening soon, and her immigration papers have just been cleared. Se tu Quiere mujere, she said she blow la la, and she my baby mama!

9. Your best buddy Lo Boogie was fired a week before. Birds of a feather, birds of a feather! In her exit interview Lo couldn't understand why she was being fired, when you are the one who takes a two hour lunch break, came in late, and left early for the past 5 years. She only knew this because you all carpooled!

8. There is some kind of celebration going on and all of the staff heard about it through the company email. All of the staff, but you that is! I know for a fact that you enjoy cake and watered down punch as much, as Dartagnan in research!

7. Someone had the audacity to park in my space. Oh but wait, that looks like Reverdy the volunteers car. I thought he usually used public transportation to get here.

6. Where on earth are all of the HR reps? Hiding from you, that's where. They know that you are about to tear the club up! So they all decided to participate in a departmental retreat at Swampy Fox Forrest. They will see you when they get back, but then again maybe not because you will be fired when they return.

5. Your usual lunch buddies decide to do lunch, without you! You have ordered the #4 from Popeye's every Tuesday since you got here with those Benedict Arnold's. Now all of a sudden they are at Red Lobster and no one even mentioned a cheddar bay biscuit.

4. You are bogged down with assignments. Face it you haven't done anything in years, the least you can do is a days worth of work. Well at least that is how your supervisor sees it. As you are typing your fingers start to hurt. Aha! Well guess what your back is going to hurt because after you've been fired, you will only be eligible for landscaping duty.

3. Your co-worker who is one paycheck away from being homeless, decided to treat you to lunch. You two never at lunch together, mostly because you can't stand to watch he/she eat whatever mayonnaise salad they have. Mayonnaise in the corner's of any mammals mouth is enough to make Biz Markie puke.

2. Your computer system is running super slow. It's not a virus, they're watching you. They know all of the sites you visit including http://www.poontang.net/. And not once did the company site ever show up in your email browser's history. Perhaps you should go look and see that your name has been removed from the staff roster under the contact us section.

1. Raynard the security was eyeballing you all week. After all of the lunch that you brought for his alcoholic a$$ and now he is looking at you like you broke into the CFO's car. Raynard always trusted you with him money to bring him back a bonafide two piece from Popeye's. Now all of a sudden he is asking La'tice, who was born to be a secretary, to bring him back a Pirate's Platter, with extra hush puppies on the side from the Shrimper.

That's Right honey, kick her a$$!

Tyler Perry is magnifique!

I don’t recall the good book saying that Tyler Perry would take over the Black Movie Market, and kill all other competition except Spike Lee, with the force of Hurricane Ike. Revelations did not say it would be like this. The Shiznit went to see this wickedly cast group of actors perform wonderfully. I must say that Tyler is the first person, to produce a black movie, and cast black people in roles that could’ve been portrayed by black, Nordic, Bangladeshan, or Tokyoan people. The first person who had the nerve to cast Robin Givens (the altruistic American-baptized heifer), as a child of God, and Sanaa Lathan (the All American Omar Epps reject) as the Mega B*tch! And believe me it was refreshing. I will say that Kathy Bates one of the few Nordic people in the movie was my favorite onscreen actor. She was amazing! Alfre Woodard was good, but it’s to be expected. On the flip side I would have preferred for Rockmond Dunbar to not have been such a naive character, nor for TP to have that disturbingly crooked Afro! And must he make us cry every time. It’s nice to just go in and laugh at a movie. But no TP insist that we wail out as if we have just been moved by Sunday morning testimony. However he made up for last years meet the Browns (recipe for disaster), with an excellent story line. Bravo, Clap, Clap!

This movie had me doing all of the things, that I hate about attending a black movie. I was yelling at the screen, sobbing out loud, and laughing uncontrollably. I wish I could expound on this further, but as usual there are those lackluster folks who have not seen it yet. Shame!

Pearl out of an Oyster, or, Marble out of a Dirty Trash Can

Far too often people are dooped into believing they have found the one. No one wants to take the extended time it takes to do their research!

Scenario 1

I am pretty certain that Whitney Houston thought she had a cultured pearl when she found Bobby Brown, but deep down on the inside he was just a shiny marble out of a dirty trash can. Do you know how many years it took for her to try and dust him off and make him presentable to the American public.

Scenario 2

Circa late 1990's Mme. Editor-in-Chief meets a young curly haired tenderoni. Upon meeting him she was blinded by his talk of internships at a law firm, an upstanding family that is a part of the Pennsylvania Gentry! Never mind that he had on a balled up pair of white K-Swiss (point em out, point em out)! But you know every pearl comes out of a crusty oyster. Needless to say dating him was like wearing a faux fur, not real enough! Fast forward to 2008, Coolie Joe, ain't even a secretary at a law firm, still owns those same pair of white K-Swiss, and has done every menial job on the block.

Scenario 3

Mme. Editor-in-Chief meets a country bumpkin who is in the process of trying to transform himself to a city slicker. He hit me with the okie doke, and gave me the Ralph Tresvant sensitivity BS! I fell for it, but I ran up out of this situation like Lolo Jones! He swore he was fashion guru numero uno because he gets clothes out of the Banana Republic. Nig, "F" yo clothes! You don't know shiz about fashion! As Barack Obama stated the other day "You can put lipstick on a pig, but its still a pig!" And as if the countriness ain't bad enough, he's was and probably still is a mama's boy! Tell mama to go get her a pair of nuts and sit on em! Bitcha$$ne$$ running rampant! To add insult to injury, he tries to play the Mme. Chieftainess! He starts hanging out (on the low of course) with what I believe is a Tranny (unbeknownst to him), who has a donkey grin with dimples. We will just call her Mellow Yellow! Scum! I tossed up the deuces, pulled my pointer finger down, and raised my remaining solo finger in a victorious salute! I'm too smooth to be embarrassed!

Scenario 1 & 2 made me laugh, but scenario 3 let me know that there was an attack of lunacy going around. I am a spy in my own right, I will get to the bottom of a situation! I am doing research till this day! Moral of the story is take time and find your diamond in the rough! Marbles are a game for street urchins! "Slum no more!"

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

What would you do for that little taste of fame? Would you let all of your bitchassness out the bag, on public television, like Day 26? Would you pretend to be a platinum selling artist (when in reality divided by 5 equals plastic selling artist) like Danity Kane? Would you play the 11th wheel to the collective 10 member Danity 26, like Donnie Klang! Or should I say lie in wait on a show about a BAND, and you are a SOLO artist, like Donnie Klang! Well whenever I watch MTV/Diddy's Making the Band, it always has me pondering "What would you do ooh, ooh, for a Klondike Bar?"

How much longer can they stand to live together? Will they ever have their own homes? I mean in reality this is just another season of the real world, only this time they keep using the same characters, with a few new faces. Not even B2K lived together. Sure they all lived next door to each other in a Nickelodeonesque stage neighborhood, but not in a 3 bedroom loft apartment with eleven people. I know people that barely want to share a room with their grass sandwich mate, let alone 4 other drooling, snoring, band mates. I guess on the flip side, Donnie is the lucky one with his own room. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

How much longer will you go through public humiliation, as though you are pledging Nut Phi Nut? I don't know any other artist who have to practice outside with 100's of people walking by. Most celebs are so famous they can barely walk down the street, let alone dance outside without bodyguards! In other words no-one from this eleven wheel dump truck, Danity 26 Klang, has arrived. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

How much longer can they deal with Laurie Ann Boom Boom Catting them all over the place? Do you think she would talk to Beyonce like that? Do you think she would mind Missy Elliot showing up late? So good people of the Shizfan audience, I ask you again.... "What the H would you do for an MF'ing Klondike Bar?"

El Topoteno!

Top 10 reasons the Shiznit can't stand Sarah Palin. Ughh! I think I just puked in my mouth! No explanation needed, but I shall go on.

10. The Desperation- When America wanted to make history with a woman, they didn't want just any woman, we wanted Hillary Clinton. And you my be-speckled friend ain't her. Why John McCain, Why? You could have used your P.O.W. baby arm to pick up the phone and call on someone else. Not this nobody from Igloo-town!

9. The Pictures- If I see another photo of her posted up with a moose rifle, I am going to submit her name to the army registration people. If we are so close to victory in Iraq like she claims, let her take her hunting equipment over there and finish this war off. Go on Sarah, bust a move! She need not take another picture until she shreds that PTA gear that she has been wearing. Every suit looks as though it came from JC Penny! No tailoring, just tacky!

8. The Trash Talk- Don't start none, won't be none. I like to think of myself as the anti-fighter, but if you talk about my hero, the people's hero, you got a good old fashioned roundhouse kick to the face coming. I wish she would bring that noise to DC. I can see it now, the King Riots all over again. Martin and Rodney King riots. Just call me Bonita Butrell, "Oh Lord, Bet nobody not talk about Mr. Obama! He a good man, good man!"

7. The Wilderness- I don't know about you but I don't want anybody hanging mooseheads in the White House. It just wouldn't do anything for their interior decorating sexy! And I do mean absolutely nothing. Nor do I want her to pull out a rifle every time congress disagrees with her.

6. The Accent- Just stop and decide whether you can take hearing that voice on your tube for the next four years. I already know I can't. So do the right thing, and save the countries ears from hearing that shrill, annoying, depressing, falsetto of a voice.

5. The Baby-Daddy-in-Law- The Palin's are just going to force this relationship their daughters BD. First we find out she is knocked up, then all of a sudden they want to drop a shotgun wedding on us. Can you imagine the keg beer parties he will be throwing when they are out of town.

4. The Husband- After 20 years, he's still her guy. So! In the words of former house arrest star/rapper T.I. , "Is you happy?" You all have 5 annoying kids, you can't possibly be happy. You have a new baby, and you are old as slave cabins. Where is the happiness in that? Also you live in Alaska, it's not like he has much of a choosing to leave you for. Come to DC (land of the kinky intern), then I will be the judge of, whether or not, Scruffy the gun-toting snowmobiler is still your guy!

3. The Kids- I think we all by this time should have seen Sarah Palin's 5 year old lick her paw and rub down the little baby Palin's head fur. How nasty is that? Where did she learn that from? You guessed it........her nasty a$$ mama, who probably primps her daughters hair by taking a big wet swipe to the hand and patting it down. I bet in Alaska they learned that from a mother bear nesting her cub. That type of behavior is not acceptable in Washington, DC let alone the White House. When she learns to use hair grease instead of formula Saliva as a styling solvent then we can talk. The oldest son, looks as though after its all said and done, he is still going to vote for Barack Obama. And so will her daughters BD, who is there getting his shine on! He put on for his city!

2. The Look- If I didn't know any better I would have sworn that last weeks RNC was just an episode of SNL where Tina Fey was playing the the loser vice presidential candidate. Her resemblance to Ms. Fey is uncanny, yet she doesn't manage to sparkle and shine like the SNL'er! She is more of a Tina Fey librarian, with bad hair, tacky glasses, and ugly suits. Does this donkeyface own one nice dress?

1. The Lack- The lack thereof to be the running mate of a slim, middle aged, fly, smooth, debonair, overdue black man, named Barack Obama, means that you are not eligible to be in the White house. You are on the wrong team. The wrong team, do you hear me. Sarah Palin in an Alaskan Igloo, cool. The White House...mmm....not so much.

Why don't you just stop wasting our time?

Someone please tell me when will the VMA's come to an end. They haven't been the least bit of good in lets say.......uh........5years! Last night might have been the worst in a long time. There are so many things wrong with what went down last night. However the list won't be long because I only watched about an hours worth of the show, and I can't imagine that it miraculously got better. I will say that Rihanna looked fabulous as usual, Lil Wayne had a good performance, and at some point I curiously clicked back and saw TI and Rihanna.

The Host- I know on season 2 episode 4 of Martin he said "RESPECT THE HOST!" But who is this guy? He shows up off of British Airways out of nowhere. I'd like to think I am pretty much up on my British Star list. And for some reason he ain't showing up in my radar. I do however give him a gold star for sticking it out in those extra sleek, satin Lycra, skinny jeans! I don't care what Dr.'s say, I believe our first male has caught a yeast infection. I still don't know his name or anything. All I know is that his back yard is frizzy, the front yard is oily and stringy, and he hosted the VMA's! I will just call him Edward Scissorhands, that's the only thing that comes to mind.

Now lets take a look at Brittany Spears getting an award. WHAT THE FCUK? I couldn't even keep that to myself. The only video footage I have seen of her in the last two years (including this one) was the 10:00 news. Since when has she pulled a music video out of her back pocket and is now winning an award. Then she hops up on stage only to show us all that she is still "not all here!" Who was that guy with her, clapping it up? Let me guess some leach she met while in rehab???? This must have been how MTV convinced her to show up. Think about it. What other reason would have placed her in the house, with a front row seat at that. Meanwhile Chris Brown (who has hits, and at least 4 video's by the way) is sitting in row FF seat 22! Did you see when he had to run from the back of the room to receive his award? I thought I was watching a recap from the 2008 track and field competition in Beijing. Taking the bronze for the 400 meter dash is Chris Brown. It's officially time to revamp the Civil Rights movement. I predict some shady things in the future for our people. Order our steps lord!

On with the show! Next up I see the Pussy Cat Dolls win an award for best dance video. I ask again, what back pocket did MTV whip this out of because I have never, and I mean never, heard this song, seen this video. Nothing! Also, since when have the Pussy Cat Dolls ever been able to out dance Chris Brown. I would have even given this to Danity Kane! If this is how they plan to cheat Barack Obama at the November elections, let me know now, so I can go the "heck" off.

On with the next order of business. Why have an awards show, if no one is going to perform inside of the auditorium where it is held? For some strange reason the people over at MTV thought it would be grand if the stars would perform outside on a movie set. I sure hope it was cost effective, otherwise they wasted time. The lineup of singers, was just.......... we'll say it weighed heavy on my heart! The one person I didn't mind seeing was Katy Perry and they had the nerve to go to commercial on her. Why is it that new stars can't take to the big stage at MTV. It's like they are going through a hazing phase! 1 year probation, until you get your sophomore CD. Yet they made us sit through torture watching the Jonas Brother's. My problem here is you don't mix Disney Channel with MTV! Who thought this travesty up. No you got their 7 year old fans accidentally watching lil Wayne and other's, when they were only supposed to be watching the goofy a$$ Jonas Brothers. We won't even discuss Miley Cyrus being there. I am still waiting for someone to tell me why she is a star. Also, has MTV ever shown one of her video's on this station (which by the way, it's been a long time since you've heard anyone refer to channels as a station). I suggest Disney Channel come up with their own award show. Then there was Pink who I like, but yet I haven't liked her music. Maybe I would like it if they played it. I haven't seen MTV play a Pink video since the GET THE PARTY STARTED album! So question, why was she there? Is she about to come out with something? Then there was Paramore who I love, but where the "H" was she? She didn't even perform at the studio prop stages like everyone else. She was off in some underworld dungeon, never to return.

If you want to know what happened after this, don't ask me, because I don't know. I told your a$$e$ I only watched an hour. If you saw the rest of this show feel free to share with the rest of us. I ain't watching this shiz no more.

Back Snitches:. Its Top Ten Tuesday

Top Ten CD’s you should have by now. And no, J*Davey is not on the list. Not really feeling them here at the Shiznit. I am sure they have their place in musical history, just not at the Shiznit.

1. Adele- The British are definitely repping their hood. No more ATL, NY, LA, Chi-town, etc! Londontown stand up! “How dare you think you’d get away with trying to play me!” How could you not love a woman with lyrics like that. Of course, Mark Ronson produces my favorite song on the album, Cold Shoulder!

2. Duffy- This is a sound out of 1960’s that is a wonderful eargasm, to my new millennium ears. Mercy will have you begging for mercy. Whenever I hear this song, I automatically start dancing as if I am auditioning for Hairspray.

3. Solange- I have to be honest in saying, I never thought she would be on the list. But I am loving this CD. I respect that she can do what Kelly Rowland cant’, “Get the hell out of Beyonce’s Shadow!” Different sound, creative producers. I mean does everything Mark Ronson touch, bring you a step away from catching the Holy Ghost. The boy is bad! Cee-lo and Pharrell also lend a hand to this effort. By the way when is Cee-lo working on another album, I’m feenin! Go on girl, put America back on the musical map! Highlights include T.O.N.Y., Would’ve Been the One, and I Decided!

4. Emily King- This is such a relaxing CD. It’s a wonder I can stay awake when I am driving and listening to Ms. King. The resemblance to Lauren Hills sound is uncanny, but there is something different. Come on Lauren don’t let these girls have the stage forever.

5. Estelle- Sheer Magnificence! But I think you already knew that. Her first US effort put American R&B to shame. No wonder Lauren Hill is in hiding, its too much competition coming out of Britania! No need to point out hits on this CD, the whole thing is musically consistent. The lyrics are en pointe, and it naturally does a graceful leap over all the other ugly swans in the lake.

6. Emiliana Torrini- Technically this album isn’t out, but it should be. A refreshing change from the humdrum R&B scene of the United States.

7. Ledisi- I played this cd to the point of no return. I have more scratches on this CD than on my Ray Parker Jr., Ghostbusters Soundtrack CD! That is just how much I have listened, rewound, and sang along with in my best bravado to this CD.

8. Al Green- Could it possibly be that because he recycled old beats from his classic songs to create new ones, that I love this so much. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t think he still had it, but he does. Whatever it is, I likes!

9. Raheem Devaughn- And Mr. Devaughn I have to let you know, you are lucky to be on this list. I am of the firm belief that you talk too much. Sing the damned song! However I love this effort. Customer was the main reason I even considered listening to the rest of this CD.

10. There is no entry for number ten, because I can't think of anyone who is worth putting in this slot. However it called top ten so we can't skip this number. Lets just say Alice Smith for the sake of argument. I like her music a lot. Her personality leaves a lot to be desired. So maybe you should tell us who is worthy of the #10 spot!

Fashion Highlight: Ella Moss

Now that we have entered the phase of Less is More, I figured now is as best a time as any to highlight Ella Moss. Designer Pamella Protzel, stays busy creating for Ella Moss. Her style can not be described in one word, so just think of it as a cornucopia of collections!

Check out the lovely Ella Moss Black Label Dress above. The dress is very versatile. It can be worn out at an evening function, and if you have been keeping late hours on Saturday and find that its now Sunday, you can even wear it to church. How do you like that? Partying and praising the lord in the same dress. That's almost like having two dresses for the price of 1! This dress is classy and sassy. If you are interested in other pieces from this collection visit the website below:

http://www.ellamoss.com/

Top Ten Tuesday

Well as some of you know The Shiznit was on vacation in St. Thomas. The decision was unanimous to do a Top 10 that reflected this trip. So here are the Top 10 reasons you should vacation in the U.S. Virgin Islands

10. Rastaman in de mashup- It's always a clear sign that you have arrived in the Caribbean when you see a true rastaman. And no I am not talking about all of these US imitators walking around with dreadlocks. It takes more than that. You have to push around a grocery cart with a machete and other items in it, own a makeshift restaurant (drinks or food, it's your choice).

9. U.S. Territory- For all of you with empty pockets, who can't afford to pay for that passport that you keep hearing about, this is the location for you. If you are that U.S. citizen who hasn't been off the block since you were born, this is your chance to get out and see the world. Just make sure you bring your birth certificate and ID.

8. Family- I know that this doesn't apply to everyone, however it applies to The Shiznit, and this is our blog, so we can do what we want. Believe me you haven't laughed until you sit back with your island family and crack jokes! Now mind you usually you won't get their jokes, but you still laugh all the same. Maybe it's the accent and how they pronounce things. I don't know. Don't shoot the messenger. Then to top it off it's family so you know there will be at least one argument or that awkward moment that leaves everyone speechless. Cousin J was the highlight of this trip. Not only is she a Psalmist at the Presbyterian church, who is saved, but she can't stand her husband and is cheating on him. Praise him, Lord-A-Mercy!

7. Scenery- Photo ops are ridiculous. Lets just say the Shiz came back with over 400 pics. You just want to capture every waking moment. Believe me that's what we did. Its what we do. They don't call Madame-Editor-In-Chief the Paparazzi for nothing.

6. Partying- The party never ends in the Virgin Islands. You can get tired if you want, but the party is going to go on without you.

5. Slang- I don't know about you, but the highlight of my trip is always listening to the different slang. It makes for great comic relief, or it makes you realize just how behind your area might be in the slang department. In the V.I. you could steal a line and take it back home. No one would ever know, and you would get full credit for it.

4. Music- If you are in need of an eargasmic break from the hustle and bustle of your local R&B/Hip Hop Station, I definitely suggest you go here. The radio stations in the Virgin Islands will play a 1981 Maxi Priest album before they would dare play the latest from Weezy. The Calypso, Soca, and Reggae puts you at ease, and in the mood (if you know what I mean). The lyrics will do it to you. My favorite tune while I was there was "4 Men" by Supa G. The chorus is as follows:

"White man pay de bills,

Spanish man build the house,

Chinese man cook de food,

and Black man lay de pipe!"

3. Food- There is no food like Caribbean Cuisine! Its the best, and the Virgin Islands put there own little spin on things. As soon as the Shiznit arrived in St. Thomas we pulled over and got a hot of the press Beef Pate'. I know what your thinking, what is that? I believe on the streets of America we refer to them as Beef Patty's. But this is how the Virgin Islands lets you know that this is the real thing and you are not home anymore. Let your vacation start Meh Son! The fruit is like nothing you have ever seen in a Shoppers Food Warehouse. Genip, Ripe Mangoes, Guava, Banana, etc.

2. Duty Free Shopping- Jewelry, Alcohol, Perfume, and Cigarettes. Who needs clothes when you could by all of the above for next to nothing. You might as well walk down the street nude, smoking a cigarette, smelling good, and sipping on your favorite libation.

1. Beaches- I know a lot of people have never seen clear blue water before, besides at the pool. Well you need to leave that cappuccino lake you call a beach alone and check out real water. If your only experience at the beach is walking on the shoreline of the Anacostia River, believe me your still living in Babylon!

Words of Wisdom

This is an excerpt taken from allhiphop.com in an interview they had with Buckeey from Flavor of Love Season 2. These girls never cease to amaze me. This statement is actually quite comical.

Former Flavor of Love Season 2 and Charm School standout Buckeey has broken her silence about her leaked sex tape, which was distributed throughout the internet in June. In an exclusive interview, Buckeey, real name Shay Johnson, is steadfast in stating the tape’s distribution was done without her permission, and she had no intention of using it for publicity as some have claimed. “It troubled me to find out my intimate act of love was classified as a sex tape. I didn’t speak on it because I knew how tender the situation was between me and my partner,” Buckeey revealed to AllHipHop.com. “Once you become a personality on television you become the target of haters and I am no different, the release of the tape was done by a hater, stolen by a hater and is just another blatant case of b**chassness.”

What on earth? I would expect this kind of foolishness from Bootz, but come on Buckey. Was this really worth making a statement? And most importantly if its on video its not an intimate act of love. Its low down and dirty grass sandwich making.

The Crying Game

A friend of The Shiznit told me the other day that we should highlight HIV/AIDS on the site. He was really taken aback by the newest statistics. I on the other hand, was of the mind that it couldn't happen because we are strictly comedy and positivity here at the Shiz. However due to an incident on Friday, I felt that maybe it was in our calling to shed light on this subject. "God is trying to tell you something!" (Color Purple Moment) Sex is a very touchy topic, in which I usually don't like to swim in those waters. Who am I to judge? However when people start getting careless, you have to step up to the plate. I won't throw out any names to protect the innocent and or guilty party. But I will say some people's parents didn't raise them like that!

Despite all of that, I am of the mind that no one on this earth can afford to cheat. Cheating is a thing of the past. Clarification: if you are single and sleeping with more than one person that is sexual cheating (you are endangering people, including yourself, who are unsuspecting). I don't care if you are single, and are getting offers from all the Beyonce's and/or Morris Chestnut's out there. Underneath all that skin we all look like the Crypt Keeper, but weather you can keep that hidden depends on you playing it safe. Claim the life you were born to live and do not settle. Especially if you live in or near the Nations Capitol or another Metropolitan area with high cases of HIV/AIDS, you should already know this. Take control of your yearnings people, that is unless you have a death wish. There are so many people in this city (and others) who are being swallowed alive by all the hype. Sure we have some of the best Sexual Chocolate you have ever seen, but don't be fooled. Everything that glitters ain't gold plated copper! You might think you are biting into a chocolate with nuts and caramel inside, but it might be one of those nasty Cherry Cordials (that I hate by the way). Oh trust and believe you don't want the cherry cordial.

Young people we are not taking this epidemic serious enough. We walk around like we were given a lifetime supply of Viagara, that we have to use before the end of days. If you are going to do it be sure to wrap it up. Try keeping your flock down to one lamb! I know there is that saying that Men aren't meant to be with one woman, but have you met the sicko in the hospital, with a mysterious case of pneumonia that came up with that? Believe me he would love to resend that statement, but he can't talk because of that pneumonia we discussed earlier. Women if you are out there living up to that same mentality as if you are the HBIC, I have a gift certificate for you to seek psychiatric help. We are killing off the human race, one day at a time. I suggest we start giving the gift of life to ourselves and our partners. Be affected!