Cumpleanos Feliz

Happy Birthday to Madame Editor-in-Chief!

Chopped and Screwed

DMX and Jesse Jackson, Jr. you've officially been Chopped and Screwed. Didn't I warn you ignant futhermuckers, this was going to happen. Didn't you see our post on the little drummer boy? Don't say the Shiznit didn't warn you! Good people of the Shiz, watch as the dominoes fall. Week by week, for the next 4 years, a quota of lime light nigglets will be brought down to their knees! So all you negroes and negresses, watch your back. Don't let John Forte being pardoned fool you. That pardon was in exchange for a list of about 20 other nigglets wrapped up in a holiday box with a bow on it!

Let's start with DMX. This is just embarrassing. A drug addict hiding out in a foreclosed house that belongs to someone else. What on earth? Who reported him a bitter real estate agent? This is one brother who can't get a break.

Moving on! Jesse...Jesse! Why Jesse, Why? Hasn't your father done enough damage! Just when Barack comes along to clean it up for us, you go and do something like this. The media doesn't even refer to you by your name any more, they just call you by your FBI name Candidate #5! We don't even know who candidate #1,2,3, and 4 are! No, they have just plastered your black a$$ all over the news.

Don't sign up for that class!

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung by the Temptations. And folks dressed up in fur coats like Eskimos. Everybody knows......, it's going to take more than turkey and mistletoe for me to stray to the other side of the tracks. What is the other side you ask? Let's just say you bring home Sally or Hank for Christmas instead of Keisha or Tyvon! That's just a gift that your family never had a hankering about. Doesn't matter what race you are, if you celebrate your holiday's like an Amish family style smorgasbord, this applies to you too. You might be able to pull this off if you come from a lame family of cuatro! However, otherwise don't sign up for that class.

It's an unspoken rule. But can you imagine the family sitting together ready to listen to Nat King Cole sing the Christmas song, and all of a sudden your new beau puts in Yanni live at Buckingham Palace. Now look, we know that Yanni is talented, but he just doesn't fare thee well at the Soul Christmas. Now go on and pull out that James Brown Christmas please. In order to pull this off you will have had to introduce said outsider to each family member individually over the past year, so that they can adjust their race-o-meter.

The oreo romance works out about as well as an office romance (can'O worms for a nuva day)! Everyone isn't always welcome to break bread at the last supper table. You have to be able to recognize the greatness that is the big spoon and fork wall art. So good fans of the Shiznit, I leave you with these wise words from Nat:

Although it's been said many times, many ways, don't sign up for that class!

Making a list, checking it twice!

Time after time, year after year, we celebrate the holidays with style and class. That is until we receive that gift, that leaves you speechless and looking from side to side as if the swat team is on your back. You can't believe that you received such nonsense from someone who should have known better. Today the Shiznit take a look at the top 10 gifts that you just don't want. The gift that your parents always said "It's the thought that counts!" But you know deep down that if THOUGHT's were a bug it would be a roach, and would be good as dead.

10. The Clapper- Clap on....Clap Off....Clap on, Clap off....The Clapper! For years I have seen these commercials, but never knew anyone who owned one of these contraptions. Can you imagine the lazy Lima bean that created this thing. You can't get up to turn off your light in your room. How lame is that? If you have one of these, next year the Shiznit will be giving you a coupon for a weekend stay at the finest nursing home on the south side of Chicago.

9. Celebrity Perfume/Cologne- This applies to all with the exception of Diddy. Not even Liz Taylor's White Diamonds are excused from this list. Just think to that glorious day, where you are ripping open your Christmas paper, and voila, there you have a supersized bottle of T-Pain Tranquil Beaches!

8. Food Baskets- You know the ones! Nasty slimy jellies/jams, salty sausages (no pun intended), and processed cheeses. Why are these things still on the market? I just knew that after 1995 those things were going to die. You know who I blame this on don't you?????? The man!

7. Avon/Mary Kay Gift products- Thanks a lot for a rash in a bottle. Just what I always wanted. Ooh and you got me the country grass scent! Smells so earthy!

6. Chia Pet- A plant shaped like a pet. Who wouldn't want that. It just screams gotta have it. I wonder what the Chia Pet fall 2009 collection will consist of. Doesn't matter because I gots to have my plant pet. It brings the chicness out in my living room.

5. Books- In hindsight it seemed like a good idea, but in reality your the only lonely Joe who has no life and mucho time to read. Nobody wants a book when you have a blog as fantasmic as the Shiz! Just a word of warning.

4. Flannel PJ's- Who thought that Flannel was the fabric that would make your nights slumber more comfortable? Who thought that Flannel should be sold in fabric stores for any kind of use? Private summers have nothing on flannel pj's.

3. Calling Card- IIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii, am caaaaaaaalllllllllinnnnnngggggggg youuuuuuuuuu! Now this would have been a great gift like 10 years ago. Maybe even 8 years ago. But today, you are lucky if I don't reach out and smack your dumb a$$ with the heel of my boot. Maybe I can use it towards my texting on my cell phone.

2. Fruit Cake- Who decided that this would be a good dessert let alone a gift? Mushy fruit, that once baked, taste exactly like raisins. Ugghhhh! This sounds appetizing how? Can you imagine the breath of the person who just had a slice of Berneatha's fruit cake? I'm bout to puke, 'scuse me!

1. Walkman- What the "F" am I going to do with a walkman? Do you know how stupid you will look walking around with a walkman? Better question do you know anyone who still owns one, because the Shiznit is handing out vouchers for free backhand smacks to the face to anyone who owns a walkman or the even more We-tod-did Discman! If you are insistent on giving out a Walkman make sure it comes complete with a Babyface cassette tape!

Little Drummer Boy

Merry Christmas Black People, they incarcerated The Juice. That's right now close your mouth, Cause you cold busted! And no I am not talking about Oran Juice Jones, its Orenthal James. Barack Obama has won the presidency, and the man (white people) is not having any more of our shiznit! You know their first impulse was to run up on him and do a Rambo, pull out the Jimmy and flat blast him! But instead they chilled. That's right chilled!They are starting with OJ, but they are about to mop the floor with our arses. Now don't get me wrong, I believe OJ did it, like the next man, but I can think of at least 200,000 former slave owners who never did any time for beating, raping, killing, torturing, black folks for years. They are going to see to it that he suffers, and that we don't see his face in 2023. That release date is going to come up with not so much as a peep from his former in laws. Why? Because he'll be long gone by that time.

Rodney King, I know you are on that MTV drug show to improve your life, but run brotha. You next! Don't go lookin' in that closet 'cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. So until then. You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, hushpuppy-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with. Cause you dismissed!

Sleighbells, Jingling, Ring, Ting, Tingling, too!

Johnny Matthis said it best when he sang his classic song "Sleigh Bells!" However there are lots of crimes during this annual festival of greed! My friends, you should thank father Clause for the return of Top 10 Tuesday. Today we will examine the Top 10 things that the Shiznit dislikes about Christmas.

10. Multicultural Santa Clause's- People lets just face it, St. Nick is White. As a black owned blog, we have to admit that there is nothing worse than running into a brother who is calling himself Santa, with a frown on his face because he really doesn't like kids after all. This goes for the Hispanic Santa's out there too. It might fly in your native country, but not here in the good ole U.S. of A. Santa Clause is white,....... like Jesus. Hey don't give me that lip about he had hair of lambs wool, so does Howard Stern, Ben and Fred Savage, but I don't see you all trying to claim them.

9. Holiday Fashion- Men and Women alike shall be awarded a hefty fashion fine for Christmas sweaters this year. Year after year, we have laughed until we have pissed our pants, and said p*ss froze up in the blustery winters night, over Christmas Sweaters. And all of you little Polly Pockets that thinks its cool to wear patent leather church shoes, with frilly ruffle socks, can suck on a piece of Jell-O!

8. Busy Christmas Cookies- Here at the Shiznit we pride ourselves as connoisseurs of food, so you can't pull the wool over our eyes when it comes to delectable desserts. If you place any of the following items in your holiday cookies, you should be be-headed: Raisins, cranberry's, maraschino cherries, coconut, jelly. You get the point. This is the season of powdered sugar, chocolate chips, butter, cream cheese, marshmallows, rolled oats, etc. Don't pull a Martha Stewart!

7. Carolers- What idiot came up with this idea. Who thought it was safe for a group of goofy strangers to walk up and down the street ringing people's doorbells, like Jehovah's Witness, and forcing the poor family inside the home, to listen to the word of God, via music. Well the Shiznit does the same thing to these crazy Yule Logs, that it does to the Jehovah's Witness. We turn off all the lights in the house, hide out, and look through the peep hole until it is safe to come out.

6. Black Christmas Films are a staple around the holiday time. However they are never really good. The producers usually look to those black stars who really need to catch a break. You know the usual suspects who never see the light of day the rest of the year, nor have they ever been in a film with anyone outside of their race.

5. Target go to heck! You call those sale prices, well shrew you! I don't care how dingy and in need of a makeover Wally World is, that is where I will be doing my Christmas shopping. Sure Tar'Zhe is beaming with a Christmas glow, but the prices scream member of Satan's army. I would like to match up your quote on quote prices with Wally's regular prices. Punks (Tar'Zhe) jump up to get beat down! Apparently you guys at the home of the bulls eye didn't get the memo that we were in a recession. True story...Barack Obama said so!

4. Real Christmas trees are so overrated. Fake is where it's at. You buy it one time and it last for at least 5 years. When is the last time you have been able to take a real tree out to the shed and go back out a year later to put it back up for Christmas? Oh you guessed it, the Shiz is gonna tell ya. Never! Besides that the real trees always have the oddest shapes. Either there are not enough pine needles, or it's fuller on one side than the other, so it causes the tree to lean. Not to mention all the tree parts that end up on your freshly buffed and waxed hardwood floor. Besides I don't need any Forest bugs showing up in my home (courtesy of the tree) trying to hate on our Christmas Celebration because he's Jewish. (DIFFERENT CAN'O WORMS FOR A NUVA DAY)

3. Starbucks goes into overdrive for 11 months trying to come up with those three Christmas flavors that everyone comes to know and love. Double Peppermint Mocha Java Hut Latte, Can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man Candy Cane Chai, and Dancer, Prancer, Donner, and Blitzen Frappachino's will be sold at Market price annually. Then come January and you can't have anymore, just when you finally found the flavor you love. Not to mention those Christmas compilation Cd's that Da Bucks put out, with the same songs, which by the way they just change the album cover, so that the CD never sees the light of day of the clearance rack.

2. Church is in session almost every day of the week during the Christmas Season. We might as well change the name of the month to Churchember, because weather you like it or not that is where you will be. How do they expect the Shiznit staffers to go out shopping for their families, with this busy church schedule? I know the saved don't think we accomplished all of that on Black Friday, during the month of Turkeyvember!

1. Christmas Compilations are just a major musical faux pas. In recent years many artist have tried their finger at old Christmas classics, and have sang them beyond recognition. Just think back circa 199?, I can't think of the year, but TLC decides to put their spin on "Sleigh Ride!" TLC and Christmas music go together about as well as.... T-Boz and singing. Separately it's magic, but put them together and you just have the second largest world disaster on your hands. Donny Hathaway was the last of the great Christmas song singers. The Shiznit is of the firm belief that there are enough pre-1970's Christmas Music to last us a nutha century. We don't need any new updates, kind words of warning to T-Pain and anyone else who may have thoughts of Sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads.