I’ve got the grocery store blues

Grocery shopping is just not as exciting as it used to be. There are so many strange and interesting characters who go out of their way to make sure your shopping experience is uncomfortable. Top 10 reasons the Shiznit is too through! There could be more, but we are limited to 10. If you think we missed something let us know!

The Rule Breaker is here to stay. The rule breaker is that idiot with 52 items who insist on getting in the 15 items or less line. Who the hell do you think you are? It’s not that they can’t read, they just insist that they are going to have faster service regardless.

The Segregationist is the second most annoying person at the grocery store. Who is the segregationist? Oh, my friends you know him/her very well! It’s that person in front of you in the check-out line, who will have a fit, if your food is within 5 inches of theirs. So what do they do? He/She/It slams down that plastic stick that is used to separate orders from one another, like you don’t have common sense to get it yourself. Imagine this, Rutherford in front of you has $100 worth of groceries, meanwhile you have a soda, pack of Trident, and mini bag of chips. Rutherford just can’t stand the thought of accidentally having your $2.25 order standing side by side with his order, so the OCD victim slams down said plastic stick in protest. Why, because segregation is still alive and well! Dr. King is so disappointed.

Re-stockers get on my nerve for two reasons! A.) Because they never re-stock the stuff we grocery constituents want and need, and b.) Because they wait until the busy hours of the day to restock. They are in your way, but yet they somehow manage to make you feel like it’s the other way around. They are looking at you like, “I know you see me with all my boxes here, and you have the nerve to come down this aisle wanting flour and sugar!”

The Love Dr. lives and works at the grocery store. I wanna make love in this grocery store. Not! Usher did not sing it that way. So if you work at a grocery store stop trying to hit on people. No one in truth wants to date someone who works at the grocery store. Think about it. I know it’s decent that you have a job, but you just aren't on the level of the shopper. Which is why you work there, and they shop there. It’s not a meeting ground for future couplehood. Imagine Sarah a partner at a law firm dating, Brice from the meat department. Stop sprucing up your uniform with nice shoes and jewelry.

The Cart Racer is on his/her way to getting slapped. There are always about 10 of these idiots in a grocery store at any given time. The fool is about to run you over trying to get to the soup aisle. So what do they do, they ride their cart so close to your rear, that when you stop, there is a major collision with you and the metal battering ram.

Jesus loves the little children, all of the children of the world! Red and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in his site. Jesus loves the little children of the world. Well I ain't Jesus! I am of the mind that the grocery store is no place for kids, kinda like the liquor store! So please leave Man Man and Tee Tee home. Even if you have no sitter, I would rather you stay home and starve. These people are always in the way with their strollers, or the world famous child cart. You know the one, with a fisher price children's truck attached to the shopping cart. You look like an idiot. So does little Tommy.

The Constant Dropper should be banned from the grocery store. The constant dropper acts as though they never heard the phrase you break it, you buy it! Once they drop the glass jar of salsa/ or cheese spread they look at you as if you are going to take the fall for them. I know people with MS, Parkinson’s, and tremors that have a better grip on breakables than the constant dropper.

The Newbie who doesn't know sh*t. No matter what you ask the Newbie they don't know. Why? Because he/she just started. Where is the bathroom? I don't even know, I just started! So you mean to tell me you haven't peed all day. You just held it out like a soldier. Get the "F" outta here, you virgin!

The Sale Hog is just plain greedy. I like the next person love Minute Maid fruit punch, but just because it's on sale for $0.99 this week doesn't mean you have to get the whole stock of them, leaving everyone else with the tart lemonade. Besides, where are you going to store all of this juice Horse Head?

The Price Check shopper, has an eye for sales, a hand full of coupons! The price check shopper wouldn't be so annoying if they would just take care of this out of the line. They wait until they are in front of you to figure out a price. Then the dreaded blinking light has to be turned on. Had you known this would happen you would hath never lain all of your items out on the conveyor belt. S.O.B.!

High Pitch Heaven or So high only a dog can hear it!

When was it, that the American Public decided that it would be nice to hear a strapping lad singing in Soprano? When did that become sexy? Do you really want sweet nothings whispered in your ear, by a man with a voice 12 octaves higher than yours? Well apparently we do because we have attempted to make the following men rich.

1. Prince is the.......well...I guess you can say PRINCE of high pitchedness! Who is the King you ask? We may never know. But Prince is hands down the.......Prince of the high piercing screech. Somehow when one of his songs come on (lets say Insatiable), your body automatically goes into a time warp where there are ropes, chains, a strange mans breath beaming down your neck, and a king size bed with love ointments (waiting to be used) lying on the pillow. The next day you wake up hog tied to the shower rod, and you don't even how you got there. That ladies and gentleman is the power of Prince.

2. El Debarge where are you? I miss that little wavy haired ken doll! The last I remember hearing about El, is him getting locked up for domestic violence. 1 point for the home team. I know most people would say that is wrong, but if you are walking around getting beat up by the likes of El Debarge, you should be ashamed. Oh and step your fight club game up. If El even so much as tap danced and mistakenly stepped on my toe, I would take him out. Who is the weakling that got beat up by El? Whoever she is, should be ashamed, getting beat up by a 5'1, 115 lb., Balladeer. Magin Dat!

3. D'angelo's soprano is currently in jail or could be house arrest. Either way he hasn't really done a good job of preserving his Soprano Sexy! You know who I blame for this don't you? Angie Stone. She knew she wasn't on his level. And don't act surprised that I said it, because ya'll were thinking the same thing. Why couldn't she just go and date someone along the lines of Dave Hollister. If it wasn't for her we would have seen parts 2 & 3 of D's How does it feel trilogy. Or at least I was patiently lying in wait for part 2 & 3. However, despite all this travesty (weight gain, drugs, etc.), I still am a big fan of Lady. "I can tell their looking at us!"

4. Al B. Sure only had 15 minutes of High Pitched fame. 5 Minutes for Nite and Day (we won't discuss how he misspelled night), 5 minutes for Off on Your Own Girl, 1 minute for Rescue Me, 1 minute for Killing Me Softly, 1 minute for If I'm Not Your Lover, and finally 2 minutes for The Secret Garden. He got 2 minutes for Secret Garden because the song was hot, and he shared the stage with others, which is why he can't get full credited minutes. Al went into the Secret Garden, got lost, and never came back. Once upon a time I actually believed that Al was going to be around 4eva! But now the only remnants of him floating around are his sons Quincy (the cute cornball) and Lil B. Sure (the not so cute cornball). Although Quincy has the potential to be cool one day, that is if he takes his step daddy's money and runs! Lil B. Sure will just fade into the sunset with his dear old dad! Do you, wanna, wanna, rescue them?

5. Maxwell something about his songs just make you go into hysterics, all while washing dishes! Then the next thing you know, you are knocked up by some random fish face (catfish if you need more specifics), because you needed a quick fix, thanks to MAXWELL!

6. Bilal is just a character all together! Talented, but just strange as all hell. He has a high pitched voice and that is all I have to say about him.

7. Tevin Campbell must be making a come back because this is the second time we have used his name in our blog here at the Shiznit. Tevin was on a falsetto roll, when once upon a time (circa 1989) he was a guest star on the Arsenio Hall show, and could not deliver that sound that we had all come to know and love. Low and behold Tevin starts out in his usual aria, then somewhere in the middle his voice cracks, and he finishes the song as an Alto! Why Tevin, Why?

Enough is Enough! Or is it?

Initially I was going to write about Dancing With the Stars, but in walks Making the Band. There are sooo many things about this show that irk me, but I will start with the most irksome moments of the show: Q and Dawn. I will then follow that up with Aubrey (I am sure you get the point). To close I will just fill up the cornucopia with random fruits and vegetables from the show! The Highlight of this week was that we didn't have to see Mrs. Boom Kat! However through all of this I still remain steadfast in watching this show.

Qwanell and Dawn- Lets begin with the fact that his name is Qwanell, which is no fault of his, but it is his fault that he decided to stick with that name. Dawn, the whiny voiced, mocha colored, my little pony, officially irks my nerve. I tried to be supportive of their little love affair, but I can’t take her saying “Awwwwwww Babyyyyyyy” not another time. We have stated it here at the Shiznit before, “Its not gonna last!” Damn people when are you going to get it. Dawn is going to get tired of looking at those large marble eyes and Q is going to get tired of looking into that long antelope face of hers. I give it 6 more months of foolishness, before he tells her what he really thinks of her singing, and she will let him know how much he is lacking in macking & shacking, yada, yada, yada!

Aubarella- Well that is what she was calling herself a couple of seasons ago, when Danity Kane had their first show. Aubarella truly thinks she is a star, ordering people around, like she can’t lift a finger. She is one paycheck away from living right next door to the Shiznit headquarters. Who does she think she is? Christina Aguillera. No boo-kie, you are more on the level of Christina Millian, who right about now can only afford to live in her native of Waldorf, MD! But that is another can of worms, for another post (maybe tomorrow)! All in all, I really just wish this chick would shut up. She tries too hard, in a Ray J kind of way.

Diddy- What’s with him and his faux commercial breaks! I am convinced that he believes America, is just as in love with him as Kim Porter. When in reality we love him just as much as ex-Mega star Jennifer Lopez. I don’t need to see him flashing across the screen every 3 minutes with those too close Baboon Eyes, and that drooly mouth! His top lip is like a toucan beak, ready to pop open a can of soda pop! Did I just refer to a soft drink as soda pop?

The rest of the folk:
D. Woods, Aundrea, and Shannon- I see them on the screen, yet it seems like they are not really there. I couldn't tell you what they have been doing since the new season started. There is nothing to talk about.

Robert has finally learned to maintain his S-Curl. Now if we could just get him to realize that the S-Curl hasn't shone in the spotlight since Jodeci left the scene. If it were believe me, Usher would be shellacked down in moisturizer.

Brian, who I am convinced, was the inspiration for Diddy’s No Bitchassness campaign, really makes the hair on my baby toe stand up! Stop whining, cut off those extra skinny Virginia Slim cornrows, and retire.

Big Mike I like, because he is cool and down to earth, but is strait off the conveyor belt of the Build-a-bear workshop. Imagine dat, a build-a-bear with contacts, and an S-Curl. Ooh mommy can I have one?

The Ova guy! I still don’t know his name or his purpose! As a matter of fact I am still trying to figure out how he claimed a spot in this group. All I know now is that he is known for ripping off his wife beater at all the Day 26 shows. He is very reminiscent of Ronnie DeVoe, circa 1984.

The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed!

So word on the radio is that The Summit is going on tour. I say to myself..........Who tha? Then before I can complete my thought the announcer states that The Summit consist of non other than Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant, and Johnny Gill. Then another thought pops into said head.........What tha? Then the above stated announcer goes on to say that the concert will be at DC's own Constitution Hall. My question to The Summit is how do they plan to pack the house. That is unless they advertise this show as a comedy act. Let's evaluate this show. There is a lot to take into consideration.

The Group- Lets look at the fact that the name of the group sounds like a gospel singing group of 3 big sisters and their instrumentally talented but somewhat smaller 6 brothers from the south side of Detroit or Chicago (whatever tickles your fancy to envision this)! I could imagine this for Ginuwine, little Tevin Campbell, and Tyrese. But come on, New Edition minus BBD! That doesn't even sound right!

Bobby Brown- Reality TV Mega Star, definitely. Musical sensation, not so much! It will be extremely hard for him to pronounce the words to his songs when his mouth is so twisted to the side and rests right beside his ear! Sure he can hear what he's singing, but we won't be able to. But who knows! I just might like to see what Bobby still has in his repertoire of dance moves. And maybe he will bring out his equally talented son Landon (who we all know and love)! Majin Dat! Should be interesting. Maybe Bobby can convince Whitney and Little Bobbi Christina to join in as the family wonder, The Brown 4! Now that's a show.

Ralph Tresvant- Boy wonder, once upon a time. Beautiful falsetto voice, so 1980's! What are we going to get from him! He hasn't been a soprano in about 15 years. I don't know that I can appreciate his vocal stylings as a tenor! As a 40 something, these days he just isn't interesting! Maybe if he grows his 1980's shag back, I might be willing to pay attention.

Johnny Gill- Honey Roasted, Touche'! Beautiful Voice, true! Uses said beautiful voice to the best of his ability, not always! Within 2 minutes of his set, I guarantee he will be screaming like a howler monkey. My ears can't stand the pressure. The only way I might be willing to sit through this is if he brings Eddie Murphy out on the stage and serenades him with an awe inspiring version of My, My, My!

What's wrong with going on the road as New Edition? I know that Ricky Bell, Mike Bivins, and Ronnie Devoe aren't that busy. If it ain't broke don't fix it. The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed.

Cats do not provide Milk, or Wool, or Meat!

What do we need you for? What can you do? I can type in http://www.youtube.com/ with my pointer finger, my eyes closed, while standing on one foot in 2 seconds! People act so surprised when they are fired. You see it coming. Top 10 signs that you are about to be fired!

10. Milagros the clean up lady ask what your job entails. I know you cant possibly think she wanted to come to the USA to vacuum. She heard that there was going to be a job opening soon, and her immigration papers have just been cleared. Se tu Quiere mujere, she said she blow la la, and she my baby mama!

9. Your best buddy Lo Boogie was fired a week before. Birds of a feather, birds of a feather! In her exit interview Lo couldn't understand why she was being fired, when you are the one who takes a two hour lunch break, came in late, and left early for the past 5 years. She only knew this because you all carpooled!

8. There is some kind of celebration going on and all of the staff heard about it through the company email. All of the staff, but you that is! I know for a fact that you enjoy cake and watered down punch as much, as Dartagnan in research!

7. Someone had the audacity to park in my space. Oh but wait, that looks like Reverdy the volunteers car. I thought he usually used public transportation to get here.

6. Where on earth are all of the HR reps? Hiding from you, that's where. They know that you are about to tear the club up! So they all decided to participate in a departmental retreat at Swampy Fox Forrest. They will see you when they get back, but then again maybe not because you will be fired when they return.

5. Your usual lunch buddies decide to do lunch, without you! You have ordered the #4 from Popeye's every Tuesday since you got here with those Benedict Arnold's. Now all of a sudden they are at Red Lobster and no one even mentioned a cheddar bay biscuit.

4. You are bogged down with assignments. Face it you haven't done anything in years, the least you can do is a days worth of work. Well at least that is how your supervisor sees it. As you are typing your fingers start to hurt. Aha! Well guess what your back is going to hurt because after you've been fired, you will only be eligible for landscaping duty.

3. Your co-worker who is one paycheck away from being homeless, decided to treat you to lunch. You two never at lunch together, mostly because you can't stand to watch he/she eat whatever mayonnaise salad they have. Mayonnaise in the corner's of any mammals mouth is enough to make Biz Markie puke.

2. Your computer system is running super slow. It's not a virus, they're watching you. They know all of the sites you visit including http://www.poontang.net/. And not once did the company site ever show up in your email browser's history. Perhaps you should go look and see that your name has been removed from the staff roster under the contact us section.

1. Raynard the security was eyeballing you all week. After all of the lunch that you brought for his alcoholic a$$ and now he is looking at you like you broke into the CFO's car. Raynard always trusted you with him money to bring him back a bonafide two piece from Popeye's. Now all of a sudden he is asking La'tice, who was born to be a secretary, to bring him back a Pirate's Platter, with extra hush puppies on the side from the Shrimper.

That's Right honey, kick her a$$!

Tyler Perry is magnifique!

I don’t recall the good book saying that Tyler Perry would take over the Black Movie Market, and kill all other competition except Spike Lee, with the force of Hurricane Ike. Revelations did not say it would be like this. The Shiznit went to see this wickedly cast group of actors perform wonderfully. I must say that Tyler is the first person, to produce a black movie, and cast black people in roles that could’ve been portrayed by black, Nordic, Bangladeshan, or Tokyoan people. The first person who had the nerve to cast Robin Givens (the altruistic American-baptized heifer), as a child of God, and Sanaa Lathan (the All American Omar Epps reject) as the Mega B*tch! And believe me it was refreshing. I will say that Kathy Bates one of the few Nordic people in the movie was my favorite onscreen actor. She was amazing! Alfre Woodard was good, but it’s to be expected. On the flip side I would have preferred for Rockmond Dunbar to not have been such a naive character, nor for TP to have that disturbingly crooked Afro! And must he make us cry every time. It’s nice to just go in and laugh at a movie. But no TP insist that we wail out as if we have just been moved by Sunday morning testimony. However he made up for last years meet the Browns (recipe for disaster), with an excellent story line. Bravo, Clap, Clap!

This movie had me doing all of the things, that I hate about attending a black movie. I was yelling at the screen, sobbing out loud, and laughing uncontrollably. I wish I could expound on this further, but as usual there are those lackluster folks who have not seen it yet. Shame!

Pearl out of an Oyster, or, Marble out of a Dirty Trash Can

Far too often people are dooped into believing they have found the one. No one wants to take the extended time it takes to do their research!

Scenario 1

I am pretty certain that Whitney Houston thought she had a cultured pearl when she found Bobby Brown, but deep down on the inside he was just a shiny marble out of a dirty trash can. Do you know how many years it took for her to try and dust him off and make him presentable to the American public.

Scenario 2

Circa late 1990's Mme. Editor-in-Chief meets a young curly haired tenderoni. Upon meeting him she was blinded by his talk of internships at a law firm, an upstanding family that is a part of the Pennsylvania Gentry! Never mind that he had on a balled up pair of white K-Swiss (point em out, point em out)! But you know every pearl comes out of a crusty oyster. Needless to say dating him was like wearing a faux fur, not real enough! Fast forward to 2008, Coolie Joe, ain't even a secretary at a law firm, still owns those same pair of white K-Swiss, and has done every menial job on the block.

Scenario 3

Mme. Editor-in-Chief meets a country bumpkin who is in the process of trying to transform himself to a city slicker. He hit me with the okie doke, and gave me the Ralph Tresvant sensitivity BS! I fell for it, but I ran up out of this situation like Lolo Jones! He swore he was fashion guru numero uno because he gets clothes out of the Banana Republic. Nig, "F" yo clothes! You don't know shiz about fashion! As Barack Obama stated the other day "You can put lipstick on a pig, but its still a pig!" And as if the countriness ain't bad enough, he's was and probably still is a mama's boy! Tell mama to go get her a pair of nuts and sit on em! Bitcha$$ne$$ running rampant! To add insult to injury, he tries to play the Mme. Chieftainess! He starts hanging out (on the low of course) with what I believe is a Tranny (unbeknownst to him), who has a donkey grin with dimples. We will just call her Mellow Yellow! Scum! I tossed up the deuces, pulled my pointer finger down, and raised my remaining solo finger in a victorious salute! I'm too smooth to be embarrassed!

Scenario 1 & 2 made me laugh, but scenario 3 let me know that there was an attack of lunacy going around. I am a spy in my own right, I will get to the bottom of a situation! I am doing research till this day! Moral of the story is take time and find your diamond in the rough! Marbles are a game for street urchins! "Slum no more!"

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

What would you do for that little taste of fame? Would you let all of your bitchassness out the bag, on public television, like Day 26? Would you pretend to be a platinum selling artist (when in reality divided by 5 equals plastic selling artist) like Danity Kane? Would you play the 11th wheel to the collective 10 member Danity 26, like Donnie Klang! Or should I say lie in wait on a show about a BAND, and you are a SOLO artist, like Donnie Klang! Well whenever I watch MTV/Diddy's Making the Band, it always has me pondering "What would you do ooh, ooh, for a Klondike Bar?"

How much longer can they stand to live together? Will they ever have their own homes? I mean in reality this is just another season of the real world, only this time they keep using the same characters, with a few new faces. Not even B2K lived together. Sure they all lived next door to each other in a Nickelodeonesque stage neighborhood, but not in a 3 bedroom loft apartment with eleven people. I know people that barely want to share a room with their grass sandwich mate, let alone 4 other drooling, snoring, band mates. I guess on the flip side, Donnie is the lucky one with his own room. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

How much longer will you go through public humiliation, as though you are pledging Nut Phi Nut? I don't know any other artist who have to practice outside with 100's of people walking by. Most celebs are so famous they can barely walk down the street, let alone dance outside without bodyguards! In other words no-one from this eleven wheel dump truck, Danity 26 Klang, has arrived. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

How much longer can they deal with Laurie Ann Boom Boom Catting them all over the place? Do you think she would talk to Beyonce like that? Do you think she would mind Missy Elliot showing up late? So good people of the Shizfan audience, I ask you again.... "What the H would you do for an MF'ing Klondike Bar?"

El Topoteno!

Top 10 reasons the Shiznit can't stand Sarah Palin. Ughh! I think I just puked in my mouth! No explanation needed, but I shall go on.

10. The Desperation- When America wanted to make history with a woman, they didn't want just any woman, we wanted Hillary Clinton. And you my be-speckled friend ain't her. Why John McCain, Why? You could have used your P.O.W. baby arm to pick up the phone and call on someone else. Not this nobody from Igloo-town!

9. The Pictures- If I see another photo of her posted up with a moose rifle, I am going to submit her name to the army registration people. If we are so close to victory in Iraq like she claims, let her take her hunting equipment over there and finish this war off. Go on Sarah, bust a move! She need not take another picture until she shreds that PTA gear that she has been wearing. Every suit looks as though it came from JC Penny! No tailoring, just tacky!

8. The Trash Talk- Don't start none, won't be none. I like to think of myself as the anti-fighter, but if you talk about my hero, the people's hero, you got a good old fashioned roundhouse kick to the face coming. I wish she would bring that noise to DC. I can see it now, the King Riots all over again. Martin and Rodney King riots. Just call me Bonita Butrell, "Oh Lord, Bet nobody not talk about Mr. Obama! He a good man, good man!"

7. The Wilderness- I don't know about you but I don't want anybody hanging mooseheads in the White House. It just wouldn't do anything for their interior decorating sexy! And I do mean absolutely nothing. Nor do I want her to pull out a rifle every time congress disagrees with her.

6. The Accent- Just stop and decide whether you can take hearing that voice on your tube for the next four years. I already know I can't. So do the right thing, and save the countries ears from hearing that shrill, annoying, depressing, falsetto of a voice.

5. The Baby-Daddy-in-Law- The Palin's are just going to force this relationship their daughters BD. First we find out she is knocked up, then all of a sudden they want to drop a shotgun wedding on us. Can you imagine the keg beer parties he will be throwing when they are out of town.

4. The Husband- After 20 years, he's still her guy. So! In the words of former house arrest star/rapper T.I. , "Is you happy?" You all have 5 annoying kids, you can't possibly be happy. You have a new baby, and you are old as slave cabins. Where is the happiness in that? Also you live in Alaska, it's not like he has much of a choosing to leave you for. Come to DC (land of the kinky intern), then I will be the judge of, whether or not, Scruffy the gun-toting snowmobiler is still your guy!

3. The Kids- I think we all by this time should have seen Sarah Palin's 5 year old lick her paw and rub down the little baby Palin's head fur. How nasty is that? Where did she learn that from? You guessed it........her nasty a$$ mama, who probably primps her daughters hair by taking a big wet swipe to the hand and patting it down. I bet in Alaska they learned that from a mother bear nesting her cub. That type of behavior is not acceptable in Washington, DC let alone the White House. When she learns to use hair grease instead of formula Saliva as a styling solvent then we can talk. The oldest son, looks as though after its all said and done, he is still going to vote for Barack Obama. And so will her daughters BD, who is there getting his shine on! He put on for his city!

2. The Look- If I didn't know any better I would have sworn that last weeks RNC was just an episode of SNL where Tina Fey was playing the the loser vice presidential candidate. Her resemblance to Ms. Fey is uncanny, yet she doesn't manage to sparkle and shine like the SNL'er! She is more of a Tina Fey librarian, with bad hair, tacky glasses, and ugly suits. Does this donkeyface own one nice dress?

1. The Lack- The lack thereof to be the running mate of a slim, middle aged, fly, smooth, debonair, overdue black man, named Barack Obama, means that you are not eligible to be in the White house. You are on the wrong team. The wrong team, do you hear me. Sarah Palin in an Alaskan Igloo, cool. The White House...mmm....not so much.

Why don't you just stop wasting our time?

Someone please tell me when will the VMA's come to an end. They haven't been the least bit of good in lets say.......uh........5years! Last night might have been the worst in a long time. There are so many things wrong with what went down last night. However the list won't be long because I only watched about an hours worth of the show, and I can't imagine that it miraculously got better. I will say that Rihanna looked fabulous as usual, Lil Wayne had a good performance, and at some point I curiously clicked back and saw TI and Rihanna.

The Host- I know on season 2 episode 4 of Martin he said "RESPECT THE HOST!" But who is this guy? He shows up off of British Airways out of nowhere. I'd like to think I am pretty much up on my British Star list. And for some reason he ain't showing up in my radar. I do however give him a gold star for sticking it out in those extra sleek, satin Lycra, skinny jeans! I don't care what Dr.'s say, I believe our first male has caught a yeast infection. I still don't know his name or anything. All I know is that his back yard is frizzy, the front yard is oily and stringy, and he hosted the VMA's! I will just call him Edward Scissorhands, that's the only thing that comes to mind.

Now lets take a look at Brittany Spears getting an award. WHAT THE FCUK? I couldn't even keep that to myself. The only video footage I have seen of her in the last two years (including this one) was the 10:00 news. Since when has she pulled a music video out of her back pocket and is now winning an award. Then she hops up on stage only to show us all that she is still "not all here!" Who was that guy with her, clapping it up? Let me guess some leach she met while in rehab???? This must have been how MTV convinced her to show up. Think about it. What other reason would have placed her in the house, with a front row seat at that. Meanwhile Chris Brown (who has hits, and at least 4 video's by the way) is sitting in row FF seat 22! Did you see when he had to run from the back of the room to receive his award? I thought I was watching a recap from the 2008 track and field competition in Beijing. Taking the bronze for the 400 meter dash is Chris Brown. It's officially time to revamp the Civil Rights movement. I predict some shady things in the future for our people. Order our steps lord!

On with the show! Next up I see the Pussy Cat Dolls win an award for best dance video. I ask again, what back pocket did MTV whip this out of because I have never, and I mean never, heard this song, seen this video. Nothing! Also, since when have the Pussy Cat Dolls ever been able to out dance Chris Brown. I would have even given this to Danity Kane! If this is how they plan to cheat Barack Obama at the November elections, let me know now, so I can go the "heck" off.

On with the next order of business. Why have an awards show, if no one is going to perform inside of the auditorium where it is held? For some strange reason the people over at MTV thought it would be grand if the stars would perform outside on a movie set. I sure hope it was cost effective, otherwise they wasted time. The lineup of singers, was just.......... we'll say it weighed heavy on my heart! The one person I didn't mind seeing was Katy Perry and they had the nerve to go to commercial on her. Why is it that new stars can't take to the big stage at MTV. It's like they are going through a hazing phase! 1 year probation, until you get your sophomore CD. Yet they made us sit through torture watching the Jonas Brother's. My problem here is you don't mix Disney Channel with MTV! Who thought this travesty up. No you got their 7 year old fans accidentally watching lil Wayne and other's, when they were only supposed to be watching the goofy a$$ Jonas Brothers. We won't even discuss Miley Cyrus being there. I am still waiting for someone to tell me why she is a star. Also, has MTV ever shown one of her video's on this station (which by the way, it's been a long time since you've heard anyone refer to channels as a station). I suggest Disney Channel come up with their own award show. Then there was Pink who I like, but yet I haven't liked her music. Maybe I would like it if they played it. I haven't seen MTV play a Pink video since the GET THE PARTY STARTED album! So question, why was she there? Is she about to come out with something? Then there was Paramore who I love, but where the "H" was she? She didn't even perform at the studio prop stages like everyone else. She was off in some underworld dungeon, never to return.

If you want to know what happened after this, don't ask me, because I don't know. I told your a$$e$ I only watched an hour. If you saw the rest of this show feel free to share with the rest of us. I ain't watching this shiz no more.

Back Snitches:. Its Top Ten Tuesday

Top Ten CD’s you should have by now. And no, J*Davey is not on the list. Not really feeling them here at the Shiznit. I am sure they have their place in musical history, just not at the Shiznit.

1. Adele- The British are definitely repping their hood. No more ATL, NY, LA, Chi-town, etc! Londontown stand up! “How dare you think you’d get away with trying to play me!” How could you not love a woman with lyrics like that. Of course, Mark Ronson produces my favorite song on the album, Cold Shoulder!

2. Duffy- This is a sound out of 1960’s that is a wonderful eargasm, to my new millennium ears. Mercy will have you begging for mercy. Whenever I hear this song, I automatically start dancing as if I am auditioning for Hairspray.

3. Solange- I have to be honest in saying, I never thought she would be on the list. But I am loving this CD. I respect that she can do what Kelly Rowland cant’, “Get the hell out of Beyonce’s Shadow!” Different sound, creative producers. I mean does everything Mark Ronson touch, bring you a step away from catching the Holy Ghost. The boy is bad! Cee-lo and Pharrell also lend a hand to this effort. By the way when is Cee-lo working on another album, I’m feenin! Go on girl, put America back on the musical map! Highlights include T.O.N.Y., Would’ve Been the One, and I Decided!

4. Emily King- This is such a relaxing CD. It’s a wonder I can stay awake when I am driving and listening to Ms. King. The resemblance to Lauren Hills sound is uncanny, but there is something different. Come on Lauren don’t let these girls have the stage forever.

5. Estelle- Sheer Magnificence! But I think you already knew that. Her first US effort put American R&B to shame. No wonder Lauren Hill is in hiding, its too much competition coming out of Britania! No need to point out hits on this CD, the whole thing is musically consistent. The lyrics are en pointe, and it naturally does a graceful leap over all the other ugly swans in the lake.

6. Emiliana Torrini- Technically this album isn’t out, but it should be. A refreshing change from the humdrum R&B scene of the United States.

7. Ledisi- I played this cd to the point of no return. I have more scratches on this CD than on my Ray Parker Jr., Ghostbusters Soundtrack CD! That is just how much I have listened, rewound, and sang along with in my best bravado to this CD.

8. Al Green- Could it possibly be that because he recycled old beats from his classic songs to create new ones, that I love this so much. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t think he still had it, but he does. Whatever it is, I likes!

9. Raheem Devaughn- And Mr. Devaughn I have to let you know, you are lucky to be on this list. I am of the firm belief that you talk too much. Sing the damned song! However I love this effort. Customer was the main reason I even considered listening to the rest of this CD.

10. There is no entry for number ten, because I can't think of anyone who is worth putting in this slot. However it called top ten so we can't skip this number. Lets just say Alice Smith for the sake of argument. I like her music a lot. Her personality leaves a lot to be desired. So maybe you should tell us who is worthy of the #10 spot!