Johnny Matthis said it best when he sang his classic song "Sleigh Bells!" However there are lots of crimes during this annual festival of greed! My friends, you should thank father Clause for the return of Top 10 Tuesday. Today we will examine the Top 10 things that the Shiznit dislikes about Christmas.
10. Multicultural Santa Clause's- People lets just face it, St. Nick is White. As a black owned blog, we have to admit that there is nothing worse than running into a brother who is calling himself Santa, with a frown on his face because he really doesn't like kids after all. This goes for the Hispanic Santa's out there too. It might fly in your native country, but not here in the good ole U.S. of A. Santa Clause is white,....... like Jesus. Hey don't give me that lip about he had hair of lambs wool, so does Howard Stern, Ben and Fred Savage, but I don't see you all trying to claim them.
9. Holiday Fashion- Men and Women alike shall be awarded a hefty fashion fine for Christmas sweaters this year. Year after year, we have laughed until we have pissed our pants, and said p*ss froze up in the blustery winters night, over Christmas Sweaters. And all of you little Polly Pockets that thinks its cool to wear patent leather church shoes, with frilly ruffle socks, can suck on a piece of Jell-O!
8. Busy Christmas Cookies- Here at the Shiznit we pride ourselves as connoisseurs of food, so you can't pull the wool over our eyes when it comes to delectable desserts. If you place any of the following items in your holiday cookies, you should be be-headed: Raisins, cranberry's, maraschino cherries, coconut, jelly. You get the point. This is the season of powdered sugar, chocolate chips, butter, cream cheese, marshmallows, rolled oats, etc. Don't pull a Martha Stewart!
10. Multicultural Santa Clause's- People lets just face it, St. Nick is White. As a black owned blog, we have to admit that there is nothing worse than running into a brother who is calling himself Santa, with a frown on his face because he really doesn't like kids after all. This goes for the Hispanic Santa's out there too. It might fly in your native country, but not here in the good ole U.S. of A. Santa Clause is white,....... like Jesus. Hey don't give me that lip about he had hair of lambs wool, so does Howard Stern, Ben and Fred Savage, but I don't see you all trying to claim them.
9. Holiday Fashion- Men and Women alike shall be awarded a hefty fashion fine for Christmas sweaters this year. Year after year, we have laughed until we have pissed our pants, and said p*ss froze up in the blustery winters night, over Christmas Sweaters. And all of you little Polly Pockets that thinks its cool to wear patent leather church shoes, with frilly ruffle socks, can suck on a piece of Jell-O!
8. Busy Christmas Cookies- Here at the Shiznit we pride ourselves as connoisseurs of food, so you can't pull the wool over our eyes when it comes to delectable desserts. If you place any of the following items in your holiday cookies, you should be be-headed: Raisins, cranberry's, maraschino cherries, coconut, jelly. You get the point. This is the season of powdered sugar, chocolate chips, butter, cream cheese, marshmallows, rolled oats, etc. Don't pull a Martha Stewart!
7. Carolers- What idiot came up with this idea. Who thought it was safe for a group of goofy strangers to walk up and down the street ringing people's doorbells, like Jehovah's Witness, and forcing the poor family inside the home, to listen to the word of God, via music. Well the Shiznit does the same thing to these crazy Yule Logs, that it does to the Jehovah's Witness. We turn off all the lights in the house, hide out, and look through the peep hole until it is safe to come out.
6. Black Christmas Films are a staple around the holiday time. However they are never really good. The producers usually look to those black stars who really need to catch a break. You know the usual suspects who never see the light of day the rest of the year, nor have they ever been in a film with anyone outside of their race.
5. Target go to heck! You call those sale prices, well shrew you! I don't care how dingy and in need of a makeover Wally World is, that is where I will be doing my Christmas shopping. Sure Tar'Zhe is beaming with a Christmas glow, but the prices scream member of Satan's army. I would like to match up your quote on quote prices with Wally's regular prices. Punks (Tar'Zhe) jump up to get beat down! Apparently you guys at the home of the bulls eye didn't get the memo that we were in a recession. True story...Barack Obama said so!
4. Real Christmas trees are so overrated. Fake is where it's at. You buy it one time and it last for at least 5 years. When is the last time you have been able to take a real tree out to the shed and go back out a year later to put it back up for Christmas? Oh you guessed it, the Shiz is gonna tell ya. Never! Besides that the real trees always have the oddest shapes. Either there are not enough pine needles, or it's fuller on one side than the other, so it causes the tree to lean. Not to mention all the tree parts that end up on your freshly buffed and waxed hardwood floor. Besides I don't need any Forest bugs showing up in my home (courtesy of the tree) trying to hate on our Christmas Celebration because he's Jewish. (DIFFERENT CAN'O WORMS FOR A NUVA DAY)
3. Starbucks goes into overdrive for 11 months trying to come up with those three Christmas flavors that everyone comes to know and love. Double Peppermint Mocha Java Hut Latte, Can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man Candy Cane Chai, and Dancer, Prancer, Donner, and Blitzen Frappachino's will be sold at Market price annually. Then come January and you can't have anymore, just when you finally found the flavor you love. Not to mention those Christmas compilation Cd's that Da Bucks put out, with the same songs, which by the way they just change the album cover, so that the CD never sees the light of day of the clearance rack.
2. Church is in session almost every day of the week during the Christmas Season. We might as well change the name of the month to Churchember, because weather you like it or not that is where you will be. How do they expect the Shiznit staffers to go out shopping for their families, with this busy church schedule? I know the saved don't think we accomplished all of that on Black Friday, during the month of Turkeyvember!
1. Christmas Compilations are just a major musical faux pas. In recent years many artist have tried their finger at old Christmas classics, and have sang them beyond recognition. Just think back circa 199?, I can't think of the year, but TLC decides to put their spin on "Sleigh Ride!" TLC and Christmas music go together about as well as.... T-Boz and singing. Separately it's magic, but put them together and you just have the second largest world disaster on your hands. Donny Hathaway was the last of the great Christmas song singers. The Shiznit is of the firm belief that there are enough pre-1970's Christmas Music to last us a nutha century. We don't need any new updates, kind words of warning to T-Pain and anyone else who may have thoughts of Sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads.
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