Dear Readers of the Shiznit,
It is with sadness that I tell you Honesty has passed away. No one tells the truth anymore. Life is now all about what's the best lie you can tell. And since today is Top 10 Tuesday we are going to give a list of the Top lies we've heard in 09'! Lies are the new truth if you will? With a grief stricken heart here goes:
1. 30 cheese's and counting- I know sounds like a fallacy from the start. Well someone had the nerve to tell us that they make a mean 30 cheese lasagna. *Go on get your laughter out* Now come on, I can't even think of 30 cheeses off the top of my head, let alone 30 that I want to combine together in one pan of lasagna so that I can choke to death.
2. Real Estate Class- I had a fool look me straight in the eye and tell me he is about to start taking up Real Estate. Seems Harmless...........Rrright! Well we have three issues at hand a. He can't read and b. He's dumb as sh*t (not going to pass the class)
3. Stalked- This happens to be my favorite of the bunch. One of the Shiznit staffers former significant other recently called in to let us know that he was being stalked by Hype Williams. So I guess the recession has gotten to Hype too. Celeb's are so broke that they can't afford to pay Hype for their video's. Hence Hype isn't getting paid, so now he has time to stalk the fat curly haired ground hog who work's at Pizza Hut! Wow, what an amazing turn of events.
4. Long Hair don't care- So Mme. Chieftainess is off for her bi-weekly day of pampering. So as she is getting relaxed in the Shampoo bowl of her favorite Salon, the leather breath that is washing her hair starts going into how long her hair used to be. She actually said it was down to her gluteus maximus. Now mind you the texture and condition of the hair was a dead give away that leather breath was a habitual liar. There is no way on earth that her hair ever grew past her chin let alone her donk! To keep it short and sweet Your highness gave her a stern look in the eye and said "Look Frederick Douglass, I don't have time for this, here's ur complimentary tube of pink oil moisturizer. Now shut ur mouth when ur talking to me!"
5. Senior Model Moment- There was an elderly lady of 65 or so who reported to the Shiznit that she was the first black model on the cover of Vogue Magazine. Immediately we don't become starstruck because this is the business we are in. We know everything there is to know about Hollywood, and not once did a Miss Blank Blank from the Bahama's come across our radar as being the first black model on the cover of Vogue. Nor will she ever. Someone please have her checked for dementia because there is a severe attack of lunacy going around.
6. Cherokee Nation- Now this particular lie has actually gone on from decade to decade in the black community across the United States. One of our Shiznicious family members *I won't say whether it is the Mme. or DJ Anthology* insist that they have Indian in their family. Cherokee Indian to be exact. And your proof for this would be the Charcoal Black Lizzy ancestor with the porcupine like hair. There's no lie DNA can't fix! Also a PSA courtesy of the Shiznit: The Cherokee aren't the only Native American group in the US and they are not a Northeastern Tribe. Cut it out!
7. Cornucopia of Food- Every time a holiday pass a lady that is known in secret circles as Fat Meat, goes on to share with the Shiznit how much food she prepared for said Holiday. (i.e. Easter) Let's take a look at the list: Fried, baked, grilled, and Bbq'd Chicken, mashed taters, mac n cheese, ham, green beans, greens, fish, brisket, ribs, Hot dogs, hamburgers, lasagna, pasta salad, tuna salad, ice cream and about 20 cakes and pies. Come on now, who do you think your fooling. They don't even have that much of a variety at a Las Vegas buffet. When do you have time to cook all of this and who are you feeding? Now don't get me wrong Fat Meat who is all of 350lbs+ can put away some food, but damn she can't prepare all of that. Half of that stuff doesn't even go together.
8. Butter ain't nobody, that's jus my babydaddy- There is a close associate of the Shiznit who is dating someone who is an a$$hole! But said associate is so embarrassed that they always say they are going out dancing or to study. We here at the Shiznit attended said associates graduation, so uhhhhhhhh..........what are you studying? Man/Woman up and claim that futhermucker in the name of Jesu Christo! They ain't nobodies burden but your own.
9. It wasn't me- Just leave that song to Reggae Pop Star Shaggy, cause we at the Shiznit ain't trying to here all that. We saw you and him/her walking in the rain, you were holding hands and now it will never be the same. You know what you can do. Get on outta here with that alley cat coat wearing, hush puppy shoe wearing, crumbcake I saw you with cause you are dismissed! Silly rabbit didn't you know tricks was for kids! Wait, wait, snap back to it.......sometimes we take it so personal here at the Shiznit. *walking away shaking head, while singing Single Ladies*
10. The Devil is a liar- Someone told us that it was spring! And I deemed them down to the pits of hell for telling a lie like this. We don't even get spring anymore in DC. We just jump strait from Winter to Summer without a word of warning. So get out of my face and hop the next flight to China if you really want to know what spring looks like. Cause 30 days of rain ain't it! Meteorologist my a$$!
