Slippin into Darkness

Well I am going to a wedding tonight and in my mind I already can think of all the things I am going to hate about it. First let me start by saying I think of marriage as crossing over to the Dark Side. I don’t know one Happy Couple that is over the age of 40. So if this is the case, why waste my time? I am of the mindset, if that is how things are going to end up, I can just float on! So back to this wedding I am going to attend, I love the bride and groom to be dearly, but I know their wedding won’t be any different than all the others. Which brings me to my top ten list of things that I absolutely hate about weddings. Let’s do this countdown. Drum Roll Please……….

10. The Church Service- I say everyone should eliminate the middle man and just go to the Justice of the Peace. After that is said and done, invite everyone to the Reception. Who doesn't like to Party? Plus I don't know about you, but I personally don't want to slob down my man in a CHURCH, in front of my FAMILY and FRIENDS. I mean I have really seen some people go at it. Get a Room! There is enough time at the Honeymoon, slow down!

9. Air Space-I don't know what it is but there is never a smooth transition from the wedding to the reception. This takes me back to my thought that everyone should just stop by their local JOP. It is so annoying to arrive at the reception and have to wait an hour or two for the bride and groom. Approximately how many raw vegetables do you think I am going to snack on while you take Photo's. Sista is ready to eat.

8. Announcements- I have always said that announcements should be reserved for high school homeroom. But no we insist that at the reception the whole darned wedding party has to be announced. "Introducing the Best Man Bay Bay Turner and he is escorting the baby mother of the brides brother Ro'taniqua Miller. Just come in and sit down. Then to add insult to injury they introduce the bride and groom as if we don't already know them. I mean they been shacking up for 10+ years, get them seated so we can eat. Sista is starving by this point. Which brings me to #7

7. Dinner Served- I don't care how much money is spent on a wedding or if your mother is Oprah Winfrey the food is always disgusting. Is there a secret handbook that states wedding food has to be disgusting? "The Macaroni's soggy, the peas are mush, and the Chicken taste like wood!" Thank goodness there is always that empty seat at the table, which I call dibs on their salad.

6. Toast to Life- The right person is never selected to give a toast. They always leave you with the same feeling "What the heck are you talking about?" They always drift off into la la land discussing things that have absolutely nothing to do with the newlyweds or their wedding. "You know I just want to say I grew up with the bride and she is so special to me, like that 50 Cent song. You know I love 50 cent, he is the best rapper out there. I dare any one of y'all to get up and say something bad about 50!" Whoa, are we at a wedding or the Source Awards.

5. The First Dance- Come on people this is not a recital. I don't want to dance with your father or my father and you don't need to dance with my mother and your mother. Cut that out, Get the music playing so I can dance off some of that dry meat, rice, and unidentifiable vegetable that was served earlier.

4. Last night a DJ saved my life- I love to dance at Wedding Receptions that is truly the excitement of the night. Here is when the guest have the opportunity to show off their best moves. The DJ usually is doing fine, then you get to the line dance portion. You are getting your groove on to the Cupid Shuffle, Booty Call, and any new shuffle that is out, When Mr. Music Man decides he is going to take it way back. You hear that whistle and right at that moment realize that the Electric Slide is coming on. Don't get me wrong I was a mean slider in my day, but its time to retire it and let it burn. And to my disappointment there are still folks out there that still don't know how to do it. Get Real!

3. Photographer- I am a paparazzi in my own right, so I don't need no weirdo with a camera to flash pics of me all night long. Next thing you know he done copied my face onto the body of Trina and is selling it on the Internet. Unless you have a digital camera where I can approve my pics, get out my damned face.

2. Garter/Bouquet Showdown- I absolutely hate this part of the wedding. They make you feel like a weird alien when they announce over the microphone "All the desperate, lonely, bitter, ugly, fat, skinny, low self esteem no man having women come to the floor and fight over the bouquet!" At that moment all of your married friends turn around with a look on their face, as if to say "This is your last shot at finding a man, Desperado." So you go out there just to show that you are a good sport, then low and behold the bride wants to play games. She is up there faking like she is going to throw the bouquet and doesn't, she does it again as if this is a joke. I want to wrestle every bride to the ground that does that. There is nothing funny about it. No thank you! As if this isn't enough the groom then proceeds to remove the garter from his wife's leg, which in my book is another one of those "Get a Room" moments. He tosses it out into a mixed crowd of single and married men. Then some freak catches it and has to slide this expensive piece of lace and satin up your leg, all while his tongue is hanging out his mouth. I have been the victim before, won't go down tonight!

And Finally Reason #1 why I hate Weddings

1. The Cutting of the Cake- Cut the damned cake already. I have been eyeballing that big ball of fattening sweetness all night long, and you have the nerve to make me wait through this travesty you call a wedding. Then the whole smashing of the cake in the face. Please I wish a ______ would! Wasting all that good cake. Happy Friday!

On a good note, my psychic says I probably wont be invited to another wedding again after this post.