Top 10 things you should have done yesterday for Cinco de Mayo! This is all in fun, in a Don Imus kind of way, so don't take it personal! If you do, I will just bring up slavery and that will be the end of the discussion. Well at least that has been my experience.
10. Tell your Guatemalan clean up crew, in your best Spanish accent, Feliz Cinco de Mayo! The confused look on their faces should have been classic. Aye Yi Yi!
9. Take a 5 hour lunch break. You have to factor in that you get an hour for lunch, and because its a holiday with drinks you get an extra hour, and to respect that this is a holiday for a certain Hispanic group you have to respect the siesta. You are going to need a nap after all the tequila and burritos. Well at least I did. I got back to work in enough time to shut down my computer and show my face at least one last time. Aye Caramba!
8. Go to your favorite Mexican restaurant sporting your best St. Patty's Day outfit. If they look at you like your crazy tell them your going Green and ask them where was the love on Dr. King Day? Then shout out "I'ma tell you anotha thang. Somebody stole my piece of chicken. And I hopes they choke on the Goddamn bone!!!" This will likely get you a free meal. It works for me every year. Believe me nobody wants to come between a black woman/man and their chicken. Livin La vida Loca!
7. Show up to work in a Flamenco outfit, with a pinata and stick in your hand. The looks on everyones faces as you walk in should be amazing. Never mind Rosa the Panamanian laughing in the corner, she will never get promoted to head cook in the cafeteria with that attitude. Trust and believe, she really doesn't want to step to you while you are holding that Pinata stick in your hand and she wants the goodies out of the pinata! If she keeps it up start swinging that stick like she is the pinata and watch her run. After she leaves feel free to turn on Shakira's Hips Don't Lie and work your Flamenco outfit. Se Como Dice!
6. Ask your only Mexican co-worker what is Cinco de Mayo! I bet he wont be able to tell you! This is the most confusing holiday ever. It's supposed to be reflective of Mexican independence but really isn't because of some crap, something about Benito Juarez and General Zaragoza, yada, yada, yada. So that we are no longer confused I suggest we call up our local government officials and see if we can switch liquor day to another holiday and return Cinco de Mayo to it's Native land! Dios Mio!
5. Refuse to speak English at work. Keep a steady flow with your best espanol. This will keep all the annoying a$$holes away from your desk. The only people you have to worry about are the clean up crew who will now come to look at you as their translator and ticket out the ghetto! Be careful because Milagros will go from vacuuming holes in the carpet to micromanaging you. Aqui! Aqui!
4. Wear a Sombrero! It always brings a smile to people's faces, keeps the sun out of your eyes (not that there was any, well maybe in Mexico, but not here), and is the ultimate hater blocker. Dark Shades and tinted window's ain't got nothing on the sombrero. When people see you walking down the street all they will see is a hat and a body. Think about it, how can they hate on the person they can't see. Ahhhhhhh, the Mexicans are some real innovators. Que?
3. Babysit a Chihuahua. You don't have to be a dog lover to do this believe me I know. Those little adorable firecrackers are so much fun to hang around. After you have drank yourself into a tizzy these little fellas will keep saying Yo Quiero Taco Bell! and Here Lizard, Lizard! But you have to remember to drink first or else they wont say it! Aye Chihuahua!
2. Take a shot of Tequila, Cerveza, and Xtabentun at the same time. You don't want to disregard any group of Mexicans in any one region, so the best way is to mix all of their drinks into one killer shot. Literally you might die after drinking this concoction. But this way you have covered all groups and can get through the rest of your work day with a smile or maybe a fight! Just depends on how your body responds to alcohol! Y tambien Mama!
1. Wish DJ Anthology and his wife a Happy 1 Year anniversary. I know I know, they really shouldn't be trying to outshine the Mexicans on their day, but what are you going to do. That's between them and the Mexicans! I pity the fool!
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