Off the Wall

Words Can't express the emotions at the loss of an icon. My childhood hero: Michael Jackson.

He was more than a person he was an event. I can remember a time when a Michael Jackson video was like a movie premier. Everyone had to see it. Whether it be Thriller, Bad, or my personal favorite Remember the Times!

As a former dancer I was always enamored with Michael's moves and the choreography of his video's. I waited for the moment he would introduce the dance world to a knew move that we had yet to learn. The choreography which was often time simple yet difficult was the highlight of my life. Although a lot of the choreography was easy he made it look like it was the most difficult task to learn because he was so eloquent and smooth. He had charisma!

I wish he knew how much he was appreciated before he left this earth. The media wanted to turn him into a monster because he was different and they didn't get it. They lifted him up and then kicked him down. Some fell for it. But in the end he prevailed because his true fans knew the humanitarian Michael who did so much for people all over this planet, and who moved a race of black people from the side bar to the top of the music and video charts. We love you Michael!

You Can't Handle the Truth

Dear Readers of the Shiznit,

It is with sadness that I tell you Honesty has passed away. No one tells the truth anymore. Life is now all about what's the best lie you can tell. And since today is Top 10 Tuesday we are going to give a list of the Top lies we've heard in 09'! Lies are the new truth if you will? With a grief stricken heart here goes:

1. 30 cheese's and counting- I know sounds like a fallacy from the start. Well someone had the nerve to tell us that they make a mean 30 cheese lasagna. *Go on get your laughter out* Now come on, I can't even think of 30 cheeses off the top of my head, let alone 30 that I want to combine together in one pan of lasagna so that I can choke to death.

2. Real Estate Class- I had a fool look me straight in the eye and tell me he is about to start taking up Real Estate. Seems Harmless...........Rrright! Well we have three issues at hand a. He can't read and b. He's dumb as sh*t (not going to pass the class)

3. Stalked- This happens to be my favorite of the bunch. One of the Shiznit staffers former significant other recently called in to let us know that he was being stalked by Hype Williams. So I guess the recession has gotten to Hype too. Celeb's are so broke that they can't afford to pay Hype for their video's. Hence Hype isn't getting paid, so now he has time to stalk the fat curly haired ground hog who work's at Pizza Hut! Wow, what an amazing turn of events.

4. Long Hair don't care- So Mme. Chieftainess is off for her bi-weekly day of pampering. So as she is getting relaxed in the Shampoo bowl of her favorite Salon, the leather breath that is washing her hair starts going into how long her hair used to be. She actually said it was down to her gluteus maximus. Now mind you the texture and condition of the hair was a dead give away that leather breath was a habitual liar. There is no way on earth that her hair ever grew past her chin let alone her donk! To keep it short and sweet Your highness gave her a stern look in the eye and said "Look Frederick Douglass, I don't have time for this, here's ur complimentary tube of pink oil moisturizer. Now shut ur mouth when ur talking to me!"

5. Senior Model Moment- There was an elderly lady of 65 or so who reported to the Shiznit that she was the first black model on the cover of Vogue Magazine. Immediately we don't become starstruck because this is the business we are in. We know everything there is to know about Hollywood, and not once did a Miss Blank Blank from the Bahama's come across our radar as being the first black model on the cover of Vogue. Nor will she ever. Someone please have her checked for dementia because there is a severe attack of lunacy going around.

6. Cherokee Nation- Now this particular lie has actually gone on from decade to decade in the black community across the United States. One of our Shiznicious family members *I won't say whether it is the Mme. or DJ Anthology* insist that they have Indian in their family. Cherokee Indian to be exact. And your proof for this would be the Charcoal Black Lizzy ancestor with the porcupine like hair. There's no lie DNA can't fix! Also a PSA courtesy of the Shiznit: The Cherokee aren't the only Native American group in the US and they are not a Northeastern Tribe. Cut it out!

7. Cornucopia of Food- Every time a holiday pass a lady that is known in secret circles as Fat Meat, goes on to share with the Shiznit how much food she prepared for said Holiday. (i.e. Easter) Let's take a look at the list: Fried, baked, grilled, and Bbq'd Chicken, mashed taters, mac n cheese, ham, green beans, greens, fish, brisket, ribs, Hot dogs, hamburgers, lasagna, pasta salad, tuna salad, ice cream and about 20 cakes and pies. Come on now, who do you think your fooling. They don't even have that much of a variety at a Las Vegas buffet. When do you have time to cook all of this and who are you feeding? Now don't get me wrong Fat Meat who is all of 350lbs+ can put away some food, but damn she can't prepare all of that. Half of that stuff doesn't even go together.

8. Butter ain't nobody, that's jus my babydaddy- There is a close associate of the Shiznit who is dating someone who is an a$$hole! But said associate is so embarrassed that they always say they are going out dancing or to study. We here at the Shiznit attended said associates graduation, so uhhhhhhhh..........what are you studying? Man/Woman up and claim that futhermucker in the name of Jesu Christo! They ain't nobodies burden but your own.

9. It wasn't me- Just leave that song to Reggae Pop Star Shaggy, cause we at the Shiznit ain't trying to here all that. We saw you and him/her walking in the rain, you were holding hands and now it will never be the same. You know what you can do. Get on outta here with that alley cat coat wearing, hush puppy shoe wearing, crumbcake I saw you with cause you are dismissed! Silly rabbit didn't you know tricks was for kids! Wait, wait, snap back to it.......sometimes we take it so personal here at the Shiznit. *walking away shaking head, while singing Single Ladies*

10. The Devil is a liar- Someone told us that it was spring! And I deemed them down to the pits of hell for telling a lie like this. We don't even get spring anymore in DC. We just jump strait from Winter to Summer without a word of warning. So get out of my face and hop the next flight to China if you really want to know what spring looks like. Cause 30 days of rain ain't it! Meteorologist my a$$!

Stalker Shiz

You know today was supposed to be a different kinda day at the Shiznit! I don't know what exactly we were going to discuss, but definitely not stalkers and shiz! But I digress. Here we are! Now every great celeb has a stalker, so I guess we've arrived. Or shall I say her Chieftainess has arrived. Mme. Editor-in-Chief has a stalker and believe me you it's no laughing matter. She is trying to figure out how to deal with this. This particular stalker doesn't realize that they are a stalker. Let's do a run down of this stalker! I usually like to do top 10 list on Tuesday, but this list can't wait. How to know if you are a stalker?:

1. Constant Calls- Damn let someone call you for a change. And if they don't.... lose the number. This is not going to bring you closer to anyone. We are in a recession, no one can afford to talk these days. We at the Shiznit like to waste our much needed minutes on people we care about!Call the cops!

2. Constant Text- If you can't get through to a ringing phone, what makes you think you will get an appointment via texting. Where is that Do Not Text list when you need it! Block the number!

3. Trying to hang out- Now this may sound like normal behavior. True, if you are friends, but minor associates need not apply. No the difference. There are more important people out there, you just didn't make the cut buddy! Nolle Prosequi not granted!

4. Cyberchasing- Email, Myspace, Facebook, and twitter have done a great dis-service for celebs like us because now we are stalked electronically. Via the Web. It's hard out here with Lamo Joe's waiting to pounce on their prey. They just wait in the wings, lurking, watching your every move. Damn those friend requests. Time for a restraining order!

5. Ok I am so annoyed that I can't go on! Real Top 10 list coming tomorrow.

The Return of the Jedi

Well the staffers of the Shiznit have been on a rather extensive vacation. But guess what? We're back..........And we have so much to discuss, we aren't going to give it to you today. We beg your pardon on our hiatus, but we be needin rest sometimes. DJ Anthology has been cuttin the wheels of steel and having babies, and Mme Editor-in-Chief has been hitting the streets: soccer momming, travelling, and eating out! Oh and lest we forget, inaugurating! You know OUR inauguration party lasted for months! If you don't know what we mean by OUR then you aren't one of US!The social calendar was pretty tight but, we back.

By the way, here is the late staff congratulations to DJ Anthology and his leading lady on their new baby Connor. Shiznit write up on the butter bean coming soon.

In other news Mme. Editor-in-Chief just joined twitter. https://twitter.com/Mmeditorinchief

So follow her.........if you can keep up!

Dr. King tried to love somebody

I know you remember it like it was yesterday, a bunch of predictable has been's (Fat Boys, Stacy Lattisaw, James "JT" Taylor, etc.) with a few stars (Whitney Houston, Stephanie Mills) sprinkled here and there came together in honor of Dr. King and made a music video. May not seem special now, but back then the music video was pretty new on the scene and who better to Honor than Dr. King.

Now I know the man was much bigger than this video but there are a few things I need to point out:

The Fat Boys sweatsuits. I don't know what is more disturbing the fact that someone I know looks like Buffy (the Beatbox dude), or that they were really passing off the one size fits all sweat suits.

Whitney Houston's matching sweater and turban set. I mean who besides Whitney could match those items up with a lovely winter white and Merlot print.

New Edition rapping instead of singing. Where were they going with this? This wasn't Kings dream. Nope, I've heard it, didn't mention it not once.

Manudo: Who decided that they should be in this video? Maybe this was the little black boys and girls hanging out with little white boys and white girls element Dr. King was talking about in his speech! He said let freedom ring from various locations in the US, but not once did I hear him say Puerto Rico! Oh well.

Stephanie Mills and JT Taylor singing into each others bedroom eyes. Did these two get the memo that this wasn't your usual 80's ballad video, we are singing about peace, freedom, civil rights, and........Dr. King. Why are you gazing gazelle's looking off into the sunset? Huh?

I always wondered why Stacy Lattisaw's career never took off. But now I know, she had the voice of an angel, but the personality of an oyster.

Teena Marie was always down. She has had our backs over the years. Does she even like her own race? I don't recall her ever reaching out to them. Oh well lets take one for the team. The King team that is.

Dexter King in a music video period is just disturbing. Where were the other King kids? I am sure Yolanda would have had a more profound part in all of this.

Dr. King thanks for all you have done, except influence a bunch of mismatched fools to come together in your honor and create a low budget video. Everybody sing for Martin Luther King!

Cumpleanos Feliz

Happy Birthday to Madame Editor-in-Chief!

Chopped and Screwed

DMX and Jesse Jackson, Jr. you've officially been Chopped and Screwed. Didn't I warn you ignant futhermuckers, this was going to happen. Didn't you see our post on the little drummer boy? Don't say the Shiznit didn't warn you! Good people of the Shiz, watch as the dominoes fall. Week by week, for the next 4 years, a quota of lime light nigglets will be brought down to their knees! So all you negroes and negresses, watch your back. Don't let John Forte being pardoned fool you. That pardon was in exchange for a list of about 20 other nigglets wrapped up in a holiday box with a bow on it!

Let's start with DMX. This is just embarrassing. A drug addict hiding out in a foreclosed house that belongs to someone else. What on earth? Who reported him a bitter real estate agent? This is one brother who can't get a break.

Moving on! Jesse...Jesse! Why Jesse, Why? Hasn't your father done enough damage! Just when Barack comes along to clean it up for us, you go and do something like this. The media doesn't even refer to you by your name any more, they just call you by your FBI name Candidate #5! We don't even know who candidate #1,2,3, and 4 are! No, they have just plastered your black a$$ all over the news.

Don't sign up for that class!

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung by the Temptations. And folks dressed up in fur coats like Eskimos. Everybody knows......, it's going to take more than turkey and mistletoe for me to stray to the other side of the tracks. What is the other side you ask? Let's just say you bring home Sally or Hank for Christmas instead of Keisha or Tyvon! That's just a gift that your family never had a hankering about. Doesn't matter what race you are, if you celebrate your holiday's like an Amish family style smorgasbord, this applies to you too. You might be able to pull this off if you come from a lame family of cuatro! However, otherwise don't sign up for that class.

It's an unspoken rule. But can you imagine the family sitting together ready to listen to Nat King Cole sing the Christmas song, and all of a sudden your new beau puts in Yanni live at Buckingham Palace. Now look, we know that Yanni is talented, but he just doesn't fare thee well at the Soul Christmas. Now go on and pull out that James Brown Christmas please. In order to pull this off you will have had to introduce said outsider to each family member individually over the past year, so that they can adjust their race-o-meter.

The oreo romance works out about as well as an office romance (can'O worms for a nuva day)! Everyone isn't always welcome to break bread at the last supper table. You have to be able to recognize the greatness that is the big spoon and fork wall art. So good fans of the Shiznit, I leave you with these wise words from Nat:

Although it's been said many times, many ways, don't sign up for that class!

Making a list, checking it twice!

Time after time, year after year, we celebrate the holidays with style and class. That is until we receive that gift, that leaves you speechless and looking from side to side as if the swat team is on your back. You can't believe that you received such nonsense from someone who should have known better. Today the Shiznit take a look at the top 10 gifts that you just don't want. The gift that your parents always said "It's the thought that counts!" But you know deep down that if THOUGHT's were a bug it would be a roach, and would be good as dead.

10. The Clapper- Clap on....Clap Off....Clap on, Clap off....The Clapper! For years I have seen these commercials, but never knew anyone who owned one of these contraptions. Can you imagine the lazy Lima bean that created this thing. You can't get up to turn off your light in your room. How lame is that? If you have one of these, next year the Shiznit will be giving you a coupon for a weekend stay at the finest nursing home on the south side of Chicago.

9. Celebrity Perfume/Cologne- This applies to all with the exception of Diddy. Not even Liz Taylor's White Diamonds are excused from this list. Just think to that glorious day, where you are ripping open your Christmas paper, and voila, there you have a supersized bottle of T-Pain Tranquil Beaches!

8. Food Baskets- You know the ones! Nasty slimy jellies/jams, salty sausages (no pun intended), and processed cheeses. Why are these things still on the market? I just knew that after 1995 those things were going to die. You know who I blame this on don't you?????? The man!

7. Avon/Mary Kay Gift products- Thanks a lot for a rash in a bottle. Just what I always wanted. Ooh and you got me the country grass scent! Smells so earthy!

6. Chia Pet- A plant shaped like a pet. Who wouldn't want that. It just screams gotta have it. I wonder what the Chia Pet fall 2009 collection will consist of. Doesn't matter because I gots to have my plant pet. It brings the chicness out in my living room.

5. Books- In hindsight it seemed like a good idea, but in reality your the only lonely Joe who has no life and mucho time to read. Nobody wants a book when you have a blog as fantasmic as the Shiz! Just a word of warning.

4. Flannel PJ's- Who thought that Flannel was the fabric that would make your nights slumber more comfortable? Who thought that Flannel should be sold in fabric stores for any kind of use? Private summers have nothing on flannel pj's.

3. Calling Card- IIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii, am caaaaaaaalllllllllinnnnnngggggggg youuuuuuuuuu! Now this would have been a great gift like 10 years ago. Maybe even 8 years ago. But today, you are lucky if I don't reach out and smack your dumb a$$ with the heel of my boot. Maybe I can use it towards my texting on my cell phone.

2. Fruit Cake- Who decided that this would be a good dessert let alone a gift? Mushy fruit, that once baked, taste exactly like raisins. Ugghhhh! This sounds appetizing how? Can you imagine the breath of the person who just had a slice of Berneatha's fruit cake? I'm bout to puke, 'scuse me!

1. Walkman- What the "F" am I going to do with a walkman? Do you know how stupid you will look walking around with a walkman? Better question do you know anyone who still owns one, because the Shiznit is handing out vouchers for free backhand smacks to the face to anyone who owns a walkman or the even more We-tod-did Discman! If you are insistent on giving out a Walkman make sure it comes complete with a Babyface cassette tape!

Little Drummer Boy

Merry Christmas Black People, they incarcerated The Juice. That's right now close your mouth, Cause you cold busted! And no I am not talking about Oran Juice Jones, its Orenthal James. Barack Obama has won the presidency, and the man (white people) is not having any more of our shiznit! You know their first impulse was to run up on him and do a Rambo, pull out the Jimmy and flat blast him! But instead they chilled. That's right chilled!They are starting with OJ, but they are about to mop the floor with our arses. Now don't get me wrong, I believe OJ did it, like the next man, but I can think of at least 200,000 former slave owners who never did any time for beating, raping, killing, torturing, black folks for years. They are going to see to it that he suffers, and that we don't see his face in 2023. That release date is going to come up with not so much as a peep from his former in laws. Why? Because he'll be long gone by that time.

Rodney King, I know you are on that MTV drug show to improve your life, but run brotha. You next! Don't go lookin' in that closet 'cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. So until then. You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, hushpuppy-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with. Cause you dismissed!

Sleighbells, Jingling, Ring, Ting, Tingling, too!

Johnny Matthis said it best when he sang his classic song "Sleigh Bells!" However there are lots of crimes during this annual festival of greed! My friends, you should thank father Clause for the return of Top 10 Tuesday. Today we will examine the Top 10 things that the Shiznit dislikes about Christmas.

10. Multicultural Santa Clause's- People lets just face it, St. Nick is White. As a black owned blog, we have to admit that there is nothing worse than running into a brother who is calling himself Santa, with a frown on his face because he really doesn't like kids after all. This goes for the Hispanic Santa's out there too. It might fly in your native country, but not here in the good ole U.S. of A. Santa Clause is white,....... like Jesus. Hey don't give me that lip about he had hair of lambs wool, so does Howard Stern, Ben and Fred Savage, but I don't see you all trying to claim them.

9. Holiday Fashion- Men and Women alike shall be awarded a hefty fashion fine for Christmas sweaters this year. Year after year, we have laughed until we have pissed our pants, and said p*ss froze up in the blustery winters night, over Christmas Sweaters. And all of you little Polly Pockets that thinks its cool to wear patent leather church shoes, with frilly ruffle socks, can suck on a piece of Jell-O!

8. Busy Christmas Cookies- Here at the Shiznit we pride ourselves as connoisseurs of food, so you can't pull the wool over our eyes when it comes to delectable desserts. If you place any of the following items in your holiday cookies, you should be be-headed: Raisins, cranberry's, maraschino cherries, coconut, jelly. You get the point. This is the season of powdered sugar, chocolate chips, butter, cream cheese, marshmallows, rolled oats, etc. Don't pull a Martha Stewart!

7. Carolers- What idiot came up with this idea. Who thought it was safe for a group of goofy strangers to walk up and down the street ringing people's doorbells, like Jehovah's Witness, and forcing the poor family inside the home, to listen to the word of God, via music. Well the Shiznit does the same thing to these crazy Yule Logs, that it does to the Jehovah's Witness. We turn off all the lights in the house, hide out, and look through the peep hole until it is safe to come out.

6. Black Christmas Films are a staple around the holiday time. However they are never really good. The producers usually look to those black stars who really need to catch a break. You know the usual suspects who never see the light of day the rest of the year, nor have they ever been in a film with anyone outside of their race.

5. Target go to heck! You call those sale prices, well shrew you! I don't care how dingy and in need of a makeover Wally World is, that is where I will be doing my Christmas shopping. Sure Tar'Zhe is beaming with a Christmas glow, but the prices scream member of Satan's army. I would like to match up your quote on quote prices with Wally's regular prices. Punks (Tar'Zhe) jump up to get beat down! Apparently you guys at the home of the bulls eye didn't get the memo that we were in a recession. True story...Barack Obama said so!

4. Real Christmas trees are so overrated. Fake is where it's at. You buy it one time and it last for at least 5 years. When is the last time you have been able to take a real tree out to the shed and go back out a year later to put it back up for Christmas? Oh you guessed it, the Shiz is gonna tell ya. Never! Besides that the real trees always have the oddest shapes. Either there are not enough pine needles, or it's fuller on one side than the other, so it causes the tree to lean. Not to mention all the tree parts that end up on your freshly buffed and waxed hardwood floor. Besides I don't need any Forest bugs showing up in my home (courtesy of the tree) trying to hate on our Christmas Celebration because he's Jewish. (DIFFERENT CAN'O WORMS FOR A NUVA DAY)

3. Starbucks goes into overdrive for 11 months trying to come up with those three Christmas flavors that everyone comes to know and love. Double Peppermint Mocha Java Hut Latte, Can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man Candy Cane Chai, and Dancer, Prancer, Donner, and Blitzen Frappachino's will be sold at Market price annually. Then come January and you can't have anymore, just when you finally found the flavor you love. Not to mention those Christmas compilation Cd's that Da Bucks put out, with the same songs, which by the way they just change the album cover, so that the CD never sees the light of day of the clearance rack.

2. Church is in session almost every day of the week during the Christmas Season. We might as well change the name of the month to Churchember, because weather you like it or not that is where you will be. How do they expect the Shiznit staffers to go out shopping for their families, with this busy church schedule? I know the saved don't think we accomplished all of that on Black Friday, during the month of Turkeyvember!

1. Christmas Compilations are just a major musical faux pas. In recent years many artist have tried their finger at old Christmas classics, and have sang them beyond recognition. Just think back circa 199?, I can't think of the year, but TLC decides to put their spin on "Sleigh Ride!" TLC and Christmas music go together about as well as.... T-Boz and singing. Separately it's magic, but put them together and you just have the second largest world disaster on your hands. Donny Hathaway was the last of the great Christmas song singers. The Shiznit is of the firm belief that there are enough pre-1970's Christmas Music to last us a nutha century. We don't need any new updates, kind words of warning to T-Pain and anyone else who may have thoughts of Sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads.

Lazy Hustla

So it's that time of year when we give thanks! Most of you greedy retards will only eat until you have sugar diabetes. Have you ever stopped and consider giving a little so that some other unfortunate soul might be thankful. Of course not. Thank goodness here at the Shiznit we are givers. We have taken to helping out those in need this holiday season, and so that we don't come off as self righteous braggers, I will end it right there.

Now on to you selfish S.O.B.'s! Nothing burns me up more than that yearly request for can goods, for the needy. Why does this supposed good dead irk me so? I will give you two reasons. One people are hungry all year long, why load them up with the good stuff on the last Thursday in the month, then let them down on the last friday of the month and the days to follow. Have a heart!

Moving on to reason two, people always give away old stuff they don't want anymore. If you don't want a 5 year old bottle of brand x apple sauce, what makes you think someone else wants it. I know they are needy, but everyone has a cutoff point. Can you imagine Benji, the former janitor from Holy Cross Hospital, coming in to receive his care package, and it is loaded with year old goodies. Yummy! He can't wait to make a wish sandwich out of that moldy pumpernickle, and wait til he opens that can of two year old Corn. Surprise!!!!!!!, the corn has been in there so long, he now gets a free sip of Makers Mark Bourbon and a side of creamed corn. You little giver you, two gifts in one can.

Pepsi Break

OK I didn't want to break away from church week but I had to do it. There is too much to talk about, so we will get back to our praise and worship tomorrow.

Item numero uno: Beyonce's new CD. I likes! Perhaps I like the Sasha Fierce half of the album better than the Beyonce half. Nonetheless still a good effort. I didn't know what to expect. A lot sounds like she borrowed Prince's former band the Revolution. Perhaps she convinced Wendy and Lisa to strike up those instruments and help her out on her new album. So what makes her Sasha Fierce, is it that King of Pop glove that she is wearing? Or is it the double disc, which by the way I am of the mind that she could have fit all 11 songs on 1 CD? But I digress. However I now realize that I really don't dislike Beyonce as much as I thought. It's Kelly Rowland who we hate. She is the leach who hangs on to Beys proverbial ball's! Bey has done nothing but befriend this desperately seeking Susan. Sorry for all of the unkind words in the past Mrs. Carter or shall I call you Your Fierceness?

Numero Dos: Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am hooked, this has to have been the best Housewives of them all. I liked New York, but when I watch ATL I feel like I am at a family reunion, minus Kim though. I don't think she could come around trying to sing, and no one tell her. NeeNee is a favorite.

Numero Tres: Keyshia Coles show. Honestly they should change this to the Frankie and Neffy comedy hour. Somebody please donate a church outfit to Frankie. Please. I know this is supposed to be the last season, but they have to give Frankie and Neffy their own show. BET if you do nothing else for black people please give us more cowbell, in the form of Frankie and Neffy. Sadly for Keyshia they are ruining her career, because now I could care less about her Cd's I just want to see her mother say "Man down" and hear her sister curse somebody out every 15 seconds.

The Evils of Carnality!

Gluttony Envy Pride Greed Sloth Wrath Lust

As you can tell from today's topic someone who works for the Shiznit has started to enter the house of the Lord. To God be the glory! Is this a conspiracy of the Catholic Church to condemn all of our souls to eternal damnation. Here at the Shiznit we commit all of these sins on at least a weekly if not daily basis. Lets examine these sins, shall we?

Gluttony- The over indulging or over consumption of anything. Down with Thanksgiving Dinner you negligible gluttons. I have seen these gluttons walking around and they disgust me, with all of their over spending and over eating. Oh wait, that's my second plate of food. I thought they were talking about the ones with the 4th and 5th plates. My bad. I will just try and have one from now on. Oh these, I got these shoes like 4 years ago, I wear these old things all the time. I might give them to some unfortunate soul if I get a hole in the bottom. You get the point people.

Envy- Is definitely one of the worst sins on the list. The desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. Haters beware, the lord hath his eye on you and he heard what you said about Michelle Obama's dress! But we have an even bigger issue people! Beyonce's new CD is coming out tomorrow and its guaranteed to be a lot of envious people on the sidelines, us included. Sure we will purchase the CD, but you already know how we do at the Shiznit. The world is doomed to die in the biggest flame of fire you will ever see! And we ain't talking about the California wild fires. No the lord holds a special place in his heart for lady B, which is why she is at the top, and the envious ones are at the bottom. But on the real I am going to need her to ease up off of the Ballads when she makes her fourth album "I was always a solo artist, with backup dancers!"

Pride- This can be tricky for my peeps because since the day we were born we were told to have pride and hold our head up,like Martin Luther King! Get back Lucifer, I rebuke you! Pride is the excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individuals recognition of the grace of God. I am starting to believe that life after Hollywood, ain't all that great. There's a lot of pride in that town. Kanye, you are going to have to do a little more than sing Jesus Walks!

Greed- You people thought the state of California was burning because of some mad arsoner! No that's just his majesty beaming down through extra hot sun rays reminding all of those millionaires to donate to us little folks sometimes. Thank you Lord!

Sloth- Flat out laziness. I would love to take the fall for this, but I blame America. They have made everything available to all of the Slothful Americans, legals, and illegals alike. We've been backed into a dark hollow corner of laziness. Especially DJ Anthology who hasn't written a blog posting in a couple of months now! Its real dark and lonely at the bottom Anthology!

Wrath- I don't know how to avoid wrath, but to relocate to some super friendly backwoods peninsula around 36 longitude, and 175 latitude, such as Happytown, Canada! If you live in a major city the fact is no matter how fly you are, how much money you make, and if your significant other has the best pimp juice in town, you are a doomed S. O. B. You are the meanest futhermuckers ever. Feel the wrath on Judgement day biatch!

Lust- Obsessive thoughts of sexual desires. Its safe to say that Mme. Editor in Chief is a regular luster. As a matter of fact she was lusting so much recently that the lord just went on ahead and blessed her with a lil sum'n sum'n to curve her appetite, so that she might enter into the kingdom of heaven. And we are not talking about a slice of pie, this was more like Banana's Foster. I'm guessing its safe to say that maybe there is space for Mme. Editor in Chief to blog eternally in the pits of darkness.

The Lord is my Sheperd, he knows what I don't have!

The Shiznit is dedicating this week to the Church. We've been enlightened to share our love of the lord with the fans, in a different but unique way. Shiznit Style if you will. I know that some of you are sensitive, but everything we do is in good positive spiritual fun. Also, thanks to the economy we don't have enough money to give Tithes & Offerings, so we figure if we give 10% of our blog time to the Lord it more than makes up for what we lack in the big gold plate.

Speaking of which, lets examine this whole tithing and offering situation. Word on the street is that we are supposed to give 10% of our earnings to the church. Now we aren't selfish, but when did the omnipotent start working in the form of dividends. What did they tithe with when there wasn't money? Someone let us know, so that I can start giving that way. The staff at the Shiznit are traditionalist and would like to tithe the historic and/or original way. Pass the Peas like we used to do!

Two Words

Wayne Brady! Get It. Still Amazed!

You know I realize now that I have spent the first half of my life underestimating people. Wayne Brady is one of those people who was forced to make a believer out of the Shiznit. Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the new side of Wayne Brady. Perhaps its his old side, that he is bringing to the forefront. Whatever the case his new CD is simply amazing. He doesn't try to hard, he is just a natural. Move over Jamie Foxx, theirs a new strip of bacon in the pan! The Highlights of the album are pretty much the whole damned thing! You decide.

Operation Celebration! Mission Complete

Yes.WE.DID! And if you are a part of the opposition and you are complaining today, kick rocks cuck-soccer, beat it!

For all of those that didn't believe me when I said he would devour the opposition, bite me.

To Sarah Palin, pig go put some lipstick on!

To John McCain, sorry you lost a second time, but at least this time it was to a better man.

To Black People, Mazel Tov, its a celebration b*tches, L'Chayim!

To all of the other masses who supported Barack, once you go black, you know the rest! Thanks for the turnout and whatnot!

To George Bush, have your sh*t out by January One!

To Joe Biden, enjoy the ride!

And in closing Obamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Oh and if you are not from DC, and you talk trash about Marion Barry, F you because he won another election last night as council member in the 8th Ward!

The Vote has been Baracked!

One half of the Shiznit has voted so far. Mme. Editor-in-Chief, went out at 6:42am with her seed and her younger brother. As some of the Shiznit's fans know, all of the above people are crazy and hilarious. We must have had the whole voting line about to pee on themselves from laughing. When we arrived at Oxon Hill Elementary (O-Hill Represent), the line was wrapped around to the back of the school. We had no choice but to get the jokes started and get a gym credit for hiking to the back of the school. As we are standing in line we have seen black folks from every walk of life come out. I know some of the men haven't come up out of their mama's basement in almost 20 years. It was so good to see Bubba N'dem, Man Man the pusher man, and Nikki the Ho of Babylon resurface!

The highlight of the voting was definitely supporting the first time voters. Who knew that they would be the laughing stock, simply because they were a FTV? So as I approached the line I ran into a girl from High School, who shall remain nameless, because I had no idea she was a first time voter. You know I always thought us Catholic School kids were so progressive, but I guess not. So she is in front of me and she goes up to get her card, and the people up front shout out, to the audience of about 300 black folks + kids, and says "We have another first time voter, lets cheer them on and give them a round of applause!" I die, literally. Once I come to, I picked my convulsing body up off the ground, wiped the tears from my eyes, and stopped laughing, I was able to cheer my fellow alumni on! But as I cheered, I thought to myself this was the same girl who was progressive enough to have not 1 but 2 babies while in High School, but this is her first time voting. But better late than never, is what we always say at the Shiznit, and she came out right on time for Barack! She probably voted for slots too, but that is a different can of worms for another day! Happy voting everyone.

When Doves Cry????

Time after time, after time, after time, I have received emails with the most disturbingly hilarious ghetto wedding photo's. Well today is no different. Today I received what I thought was an innocently tacky wedding photo shoot of a couple with bad haberdashery judgement.

The Bride

Quanette' Murdock is glamorous as she steps down the aisle in a White frock with what looks like big lollipops without the stick attached to the gown. I'm not talking your plain tootsie pop. No that is for lame Joe's. I'm talking huge Willie Wanka-esque rainbow swirl lollipops! Her bouquet (courtesy of the craft department at Michael's craft store) is laden with flowers that range from every spectrum of the rainbow.

The Groom

Man Man Robinson is so debonair in his rainbow colored vest to match the lovely pendants on the brides gown. What caps Man Man's look off is the rainbow colored tennis shoes that match the vest. Just when you think they had covered all of the patterns that could possibly end up on a shoe! Also who knew that sports shoes should ever show up at a wedding.

So as this affair is going on Man Man gets bored and starts texting people at his own wedding. But Nette' knows how to get his attention back. She lifts up her dress (bedroom style) and tells Man Man to come get the garter. The photo captures it all. The excited look on Man Man's face is a cross between I'm the champion and I am going to blow her back out tonight. I had to do a double take to capture that look on Man Man's face again, when all of a sudden I realized something. Man Man really is Latasha Robinson from across the street. No one warned me that it was a Lezzyfest! Not even the rainbows gave it away. I just shrieked in horror. This is what it sounds like when Doves Cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignorance becomes insitutionalized!

OK, so here at the Shiznit we are big supporters of the whole HBCU network. Why? you ask! Well I will tell you. The Shiznit staff of two both attended HBCU's, one of us was fortunate to attend the esteemed Howard University, while the other not so fortunate staffer had to go to Morgan State University! Speaking of which, these two schools met up at the better schools homecoming for a showdown on the football field.

Now lets face it, Howard University has the best homecoming amongst all colleges and universities, not just HBCU's. I'm serious just ask the people over at Sport's Illustrated, they will tell you. However it doesn't mean that this renowned institute of higher learning is above opening it's doors to ignorance. Ignorance needs love too. So one of our staffers decides to attend Howard Universities Yardfest on Friday. No harm in that. Wrong!!!!!!!!! If you can get past the sea of nappy headed h*es and perpetrating Percell's, who never even thought about going to school, you just might run into some of the folks, who attend, had attended, and will attend.

Said staffer, met up with another alumni to take it all in. Since it was kinda chilly on Friday. Let me rephrase that. It was cold on Friday, the two alumni are bundled up in stylish jeans, boots, and jackets. However they had not received the memo that it was summer time on the yard. There were so many girls in shorts with boots. I don't know the last time a boot protected me from the winter Hawk, but to each his own. Ignorance is alive and well.

So on to lunch! So its a must to stand in line for fried fish and fries at the Real HU. While waiting in line there are tons of club promoters with bullhorns trying to persuade the younguns on the yard to attend. One club promoter stood out amongst the crowd. How could he not as he spoke the words "All you real n*gga's come out to club Fur. My New York N*gga's! My Trini N*gga's! Big up my Trini N*gga's! Ladies get at me if you wanna party with real N*gga's!" What better place to find a N*gga than at an institution of higher education. I was quite frankly embarrassed because I had no idea that I had gone to school with n*gga's. That I had come back to meet up with a bunch of n*gga's! Can you imagine what the line must have looked like at Fur that night. N*gga's running wild. Ignorance 101 at an HBCU! So I get my fish and my mind is now off of the most ignorant n*gga on the yard, out of nowhere I hear this raspy singing. Is this brother choking on wind? He is killing my ears, but people are clapping for him. "Other alumni, hold my fish please!" I go to catch a glance, and it's none other than no shape-up heartthrob, Terrance Howard! I love T. Howard, but he is ignorant enough to believe he can sing. His singing is like Terrance Trent D'arby with the flu! Master guitar player, who knew? Singing sensation, N*gga please!

When I think it couldn't possibly get any worse, I decide to go to the bookstore to purchase some Howard tagged items. Imagine my chagrin when I rise to the second floor and none other than Howard University's own Omarosa Manigault is conducting a book signing. So I am happy for her because she has been given the short end of the stick by public media. I debate with myself over whether I buy the book, or not! Not! The book was titled The Bitch Switch! This n*gga done lost her mind. So I go back downstairs and "Browse" when I keep hearing this loud mouth boy, who refuses to shut up. He wants to be seen so bad. Who is it? None other than Roll Bounces own Brandon T. Jackson. I can only imagine how jealous you guys are that you didn't get to see him, considering how popular and well known he is in Hollywood. I start thinking to myself, "I truly am surrounded by n*gga's, maybe I should have gone to Morgan State University! Ignorance is institutionalized! Now can I please go back to my life without a bunch of n*ggerdom!