When Doves Cry????

Time after time, after time, after time, I have received emails with the most disturbingly hilarious ghetto wedding photo's. Well today is no different. Today I received what I thought was an innocently tacky wedding photo shoot of a couple with bad haberdashery judgement.

The Bride

Quanette' Murdock is glamorous as she steps down the aisle in a White frock with what looks like big lollipops without the stick attached to the gown. I'm not talking your plain tootsie pop. No that is for lame Joe's. I'm talking huge Willie Wanka-esque rainbow swirl lollipops! Her bouquet (courtesy of the craft department at Michael's craft store) is laden with flowers that range from every spectrum of the rainbow.

The Groom

Man Man Robinson is so debonair in his rainbow colored vest to match the lovely pendants on the brides gown. What caps Man Man's look off is the rainbow colored tennis shoes that match the vest. Just when you think they had covered all of the patterns that could possibly end up on a shoe! Also who knew that sports shoes should ever show up at a wedding.

So as this affair is going on Man Man gets bored and starts texting people at his own wedding. But Nette' knows how to get his attention back. She lifts up her dress (bedroom style) and tells Man Man to come get the garter. The photo captures it all. The excited look on Man Man's face is a cross between I'm the champion and I am going to blow her back out tonight. I had to do a double take to capture that look on Man Man's face again, when all of a sudden I realized something. Man Man really is Latasha Robinson from across the street. No one warned me that it was a Lezzyfest! Not even the rainbows gave it away. I just shrieked in horror. This is what it sounds like when Doves Cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignorance becomes insitutionalized!

OK, so here at the Shiznit we are big supporters of the whole HBCU network. Why? you ask! Well I will tell you. The Shiznit staff of two both attended HBCU's, one of us was fortunate to attend the esteemed Howard University, while the other not so fortunate staffer had to go to Morgan State University! Speaking of which, these two schools met up at the better schools homecoming for a showdown on the football field.

Now lets face it, Howard University has the best homecoming amongst all colleges and universities, not just HBCU's. I'm serious just ask the people over at Sport's Illustrated, they will tell you. However it doesn't mean that this renowned institute of higher learning is above opening it's doors to ignorance. Ignorance needs love too. So one of our staffers decides to attend Howard Universities Yardfest on Friday. No harm in that. Wrong!!!!!!!!! If you can get past the sea of nappy headed h*es and perpetrating Percell's, who never even thought about going to school, you just might run into some of the folks, who attend, had attended, and will attend.

Said staffer, met up with another alumni to take it all in. Since it was kinda chilly on Friday. Let me rephrase that. It was cold on Friday, the two alumni are bundled up in stylish jeans, boots, and jackets. However they had not received the memo that it was summer time on the yard. There were so many girls in shorts with boots. I don't know the last time a boot protected me from the winter Hawk, but to each his own. Ignorance is alive and well.

So on to lunch! So its a must to stand in line for fried fish and fries at the Real HU. While waiting in line there are tons of club promoters with bullhorns trying to persuade the younguns on the yard to attend. One club promoter stood out amongst the crowd. How could he not as he spoke the words "All you real n*gga's come out to club Fur. My New York N*gga's! My Trini N*gga's! Big up my Trini N*gga's! Ladies get at me if you wanna party with real N*gga's!" What better place to find a N*gga than at an institution of higher education. I was quite frankly embarrassed because I had no idea that I had gone to school with n*gga's. That I had come back to meet up with a bunch of n*gga's! Can you imagine what the line must have looked like at Fur that night. N*gga's running wild. Ignorance 101 at an HBCU! So I get my fish and my mind is now off of the most ignorant n*gga on the yard, out of nowhere I hear this raspy singing. Is this brother choking on wind? He is killing my ears, but people are clapping for him. "Other alumni, hold my fish please!" I go to catch a glance, and it's none other than no shape-up heartthrob, Terrance Howard! I love T. Howard, but he is ignorant enough to believe he can sing. His singing is like Terrance Trent D'arby with the flu! Master guitar player, who knew? Singing sensation, N*gga please!

When I think it couldn't possibly get any worse, I decide to go to the bookstore to purchase some Howard tagged items. Imagine my chagrin when I rise to the second floor and none other than Howard University's own Omarosa Manigault is conducting a book signing. So I am happy for her because she has been given the short end of the stick by public media. I debate with myself over whether I buy the book, or not! Not! The book was titled The Bitch Switch! This n*gga done lost her mind. So I go back downstairs and "Browse" when I keep hearing this loud mouth boy, who refuses to shut up. He wants to be seen so bad. Who is it? None other than Roll Bounces own Brandon T. Jackson. I can only imagine how jealous you guys are that you didn't get to see him, considering how popular and well known he is in Hollywood. I start thinking to myself, "I truly am surrounded by n*gga's, maybe I should have gone to Morgan State University! Ignorance is institutionalized! Now can I please go back to my life without a bunch of n*ggerdom!

Let me clear my thoat? (Pun intended)

Exsqueeze Me, can you please stop playing word games? Seriously there are some folks out there who should be banned from the English speaking world. Have you had a conversation with a co-worker and you walked away wondering what East African dialect of Arabic they were speaking? Well I have news for you, they were speaking English. Was it proper? Nah! Did they put a lot of effort into it? Hell yeah, Didn't you hear how they said Shaushage with conviction? If you are wondering what a shaushage is....so begins our discussion.

Food for thought:

Shaushage's can be found in almost any supermarket across the globe (especially the US and Germany). You and I know them as sausages, but Tobias refuses to pronounce his S's without an h, so there you have it, Shaushages! But they are indeed tasty.

Moving on to our next word: Panny Cakes! Because you just simply can't eat shaushages without Panny Cakes. To hear an adult talk about the joy they experienced while eating panny cakes and shaushages makes me wanna run in my pantry and pull out the big bottle of Mrs. Butterworths surrp.

Which brings me to Debbled Eggs! What is a a debbled egg? I have been offered debbled eggs so many times, but I kindly turn the host down because I only eat deviled eggs! Once you start debbling them I get turned off, because there isn't enough manayse.

Politically Speaking:

Its sad to say that although I am voting for Barack Obama I am learning to love Sarah Palin. Why? Because she's a Mavericky Mavericking Maverick, I look forward to Tina Fey mocking her for the next 4 years on SNL, and because she always reminds us about Nucular energy. I know that some of you might only be familiar with Nuclear Energy, but it's about time you step up your Nucular game. Where does Nucular energy exist, I don't know. Maybe its the outer rim of Nuclear energy.

Say my Name, Say my Name!

So I am sitting at my 9-5 when lunch hour falls upon me. So I do the usual go pick something up to eat and return to laugh it up with my folks. We get into a hot and heavy discussion about movies we love. And of course the uneducated bunch always bring up how much they love Friday (a movie which I never liked, but that's a different can'O worms). While in the midst of the conversation someone says, I just loved Frayzhon Love as Big Worm. Who the Eff is Frayzhon Love. I can recall a Faizon Love, but I didn't know he had a twin brother named Frayzhon, who played his stunt double in the movie.

The next victim of name fraud is Poor Donnie McClurkin. People have said his name wrong so many times that he fell down and did not get up. Donnie McClerklin, Donnie McKirklin. It's not that hard. (Mc-Clur-Kin)! Get it, Got it, good!

Which brings me to my all time favorite! Baskin and Robinson's. I don't know about you, but I have never purchased Ice Cream from that establishment. I prefer to get my sundaes from Baskin Robbins, although I believe Baskin and Robinson's just might have 42 flavors!

Past Perfect/Present Perfect

Flash back a couple of years when MTV was honoring Janet Jackson and they asked her brother's to introduce her. Low and behold they are really doing a good job, when all of a sudden the Gary, Indiana comes out of Marlon Jackson when he says "Janet, you all growed up now!" Growed up? Growed up, Marlon? I expect that from Randy Jackson, but come on Marlon. Grew is the past tense of grow. Not Growed! Same applies to Throw, the past tense is threw, not throwed.

So this Christmas season, if you open your mailbox and there is a free copy of word smart I & II, instead of a card know that its from the Shiznit with love. Changing lives one at a time. We are only giving out Cards to those who know how to talk.

I’ve got the grocery store blues

Grocery shopping is just not as exciting as it used to be. There are so many strange and interesting characters who go out of their way to make sure your shopping experience is uncomfortable. Top 10 reasons the Shiznit is too through! There could be more, but we are limited to 10. If you think we missed something let us know!

The Rule Breaker is here to stay. The rule breaker is that idiot with 52 items who insist on getting in the 15 items or less line. Who the hell do you think you are? It’s not that they can’t read, they just insist that they are going to have faster service regardless.

The Segregationist is the second most annoying person at the grocery store. Who is the segregationist? Oh, my friends you know him/her very well! It’s that person in front of you in the check-out line, who will have a fit, if your food is within 5 inches of theirs. So what do they do? He/She/It slams down that plastic stick that is used to separate orders from one another, like you don’t have common sense to get it yourself. Imagine this, Rutherford in front of you has $100 worth of groceries, meanwhile you have a soda, pack of Trident, and mini bag of chips. Rutherford just can’t stand the thought of accidentally having your $2.25 order standing side by side with his order, so the OCD victim slams down said plastic stick in protest. Why, because segregation is still alive and well! Dr. King is so disappointed.

Re-stockers get on my nerve for two reasons! A.) Because they never re-stock the stuff we grocery constituents want and need, and b.) Because they wait until the busy hours of the day to restock. They are in your way, but yet they somehow manage to make you feel like it’s the other way around. They are looking at you like, “I know you see me with all my boxes here, and you have the nerve to come down this aisle wanting flour and sugar!”

The Love Dr. lives and works at the grocery store. I wanna make love in this grocery store. Not! Usher did not sing it that way. So if you work at a grocery store stop trying to hit on people. No one in truth wants to date someone who works at the grocery store. Think about it. I know it’s decent that you have a job, but you just aren't on the level of the shopper. Which is why you work there, and they shop there. It’s not a meeting ground for future couplehood. Imagine Sarah a partner at a law firm dating, Brice from the meat department. Stop sprucing up your uniform with nice shoes and jewelry.

The Cart Racer is on his/her way to getting slapped. There are always about 10 of these idiots in a grocery store at any given time. The fool is about to run you over trying to get to the soup aisle. So what do they do, they ride their cart so close to your rear, that when you stop, there is a major collision with you and the metal battering ram.

Jesus loves the little children, all of the children of the world! Red and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in his site. Jesus loves the little children of the world. Well I ain't Jesus! I am of the mind that the grocery store is no place for kids, kinda like the liquor store! So please leave Man Man and Tee Tee home. Even if you have no sitter, I would rather you stay home and starve. These people are always in the way with their strollers, or the world famous child cart. You know the one, with a fisher price children's truck attached to the shopping cart. You look like an idiot. So does little Tommy.

The Constant Dropper should be banned from the grocery store. The constant dropper acts as though they never heard the phrase you break it, you buy it! Once they drop the glass jar of salsa/ or cheese spread they look at you as if you are going to take the fall for them. I know people with MS, Parkinson’s, and tremors that have a better grip on breakables than the constant dropper.

The Newbie who doesn't know sh*t. No matter what you ask the Newbie they don't know. Why? Because he/she just started. Where is the bathroom? I don't even know, I just started! So you mean to tell me you haven't peed all day. You just held it out like a soldier. Get the "F" outta here, you virgin!

The Sale Hog is just plain greedy. I like the next person love Minute Maid fruit punch, but just because it's on sale for $0.99 this week doesn't mean you have to get the whole stock of them, leaving everyone else with the tart lemonade. Besides, where are you going to store all of this juice Horse Head?

The Price Check shopper, has an eye for sales, a hand full of coupons! The price check shopper wouldn't be so annoying if they would just take care of this out of the line. They wait until they are in front of you to figure out a price. Then the dreaded blinking light has to be turned on. Had you known this would happen you would hath never lain all of your items out on the conveyor belt. S.O.B.!

High Pitch Heaven or So high only a dog can hear it!

When was it, that the American Public decided that it would be nice to hear a strapping lad singing in Soprano? When did that become sexy? Do you really want sweet nothings whispered in your ear, by a man with a voice 12 octaves higher than yours? Well apparently we do because we have attempted to make the following men rich.

1. Prince is the.......well...I guess you can say PRINCE of high pitchedness! Who is the King you ask? We may never know. But Prince is hands down the.......Prince of the high piercing screech. Somehow when one of his songs come on (lets say Insatiable), your body automatically goes into a time warp where there are ropes, chains, a strange mans breath beaming down your neck, and a king size bed with love ointments (waiting to be used) lying on the pillow. The next day you wake up hog tied to the shower rod, and you don't even how you got there. That ladies and gentleman is the power of Prince.

2. El Debarge where are you? I miss that little wavy haired ken doll! The last I remember hearing about El, is him getting locked up for domestic violence. 1 point for the home team. I know most people would say that is wrong, but if you are walking around getting beat up by the likes of El Debarge, you should be ashamed. Oh and step your fight club game up. If El even so much as tap danced and mistakenly stepped on my toe, I would take him out. Who is the weakling that got beat up by El? Whoever she is, should be ashamed, getting beat up by a 5'1, 115 lb., Balladeer. Magin Dat!

3. D'angelo's soprano is currently in jail or could be house arrest. Either way he hasn't really done a good job of preserving his Soprano Sexy! You know who I blame for this don't you? Angie Stone. She knew she wasn't on his level. And don't act surprised that I said it, because ya'll were thinking the same thing. Why couldn't she just go and date someone along the lines of Dave Hollister. If it wasn't for her we would have seen parts 2 & 3 of D's How does it feel trilogy. Or at least I was patiently lying in wait for part 2 & 3. However, despite all this travesty (weight gain, drugs, etc.), I still am a big fan of Lady. "I can tell their looking at us!"

4. Al B. Sure only had 15 minutes of High Pitched fame. 5 Minutes for Nite and Day (we won't discuss how he misspelled night), 5 minutes for Off on Your Own Girl, 1 minute for Rescue Me, 1 minute for Killing Me Softly, 1 minute for If I'm Not Your Lover, and finally 2 minutes for The Secret Garden. He got 2 minutes for Secret Garden because the song was hot, and he shared the stage with others, which is why he can't get full credited minutes. Al went into the Secret Garden, got lost, and never came back. Once upon a time I actually believed that Al was going to be around 4eva! But now the only remnants of him floating around are his sons Quincy (the cute cornball) and Lil B. Sure (the not so cute cornball). Although Quincy has the potential to be cool one day, that is if he takes his step daddy's money and runs! Lil B. Sure will just fade into the sunset with his dear old dad! Do you, wanna, wanna, rescue them?

5. Maxwell something about his songs just make you go into hysterics, all while washing dishes! Then the next thing you know, you are knocked up by some random fish face (catfish if you need more specifics), because you needed a quick fix, thanks to MAXWELL!

6. Bilal is just a character all together! Talented, but just strange as all hell. He has a high pitched voice and that is all I have to say about him.

7. Tevin Campbell must be making a come back because this is the second time we have used his name in our blog here at the Shiznit. Tevin was on a falsetto roll, when once upon a time (circa 1989) he was a guest star on the Arsenio Hall show, and could not deliver that sound that we had all come to know and love. Low and behold Tevin starts out in his usual aria, then somewhere in the middle his voice cracks, and he finishes the song as an Alto! Why Tevin, Why?

Enough is Enough! Or is it?

Initially I was going to write about Dancing With the Stars, but in walks Making the Band. There are sooo many things about this show that irk me, but I will start with the most irksome moments of the show: Q and Dawn. I will then follow that up with Aubrey (I am sure you get the point). To close I will just fill up the cornucopia with random fruits and vegetables from the show! The Highlight of this week was that we didn't have to see Mrs. Boom Kat! However through all of this I still remain steadfast in watching this show.

Qwanell and Dawn- Lets begin with the fact that his name is Qwanell, which is no fault of his, but it is his fault that he decided to stick with that name. Dawn, the whiny voiced, mocha colored, my little pony, officially irks my nerve. I tried to be supportive of their little love affair, but I can’t take her saying “Awwwwwww Babyyyyyyy” not another time. We have stated it here at the Shiznit before, “Its not gonna last!” Damn people when are you going to get it. Dawn is going to get tired of looking at those large marble eyes and Q is going to get tired of looking into that long antelope face of hers. I give it 6 more months of foolishness, before he tells her what he really thinks of her singing, and she will let him know how much he is lacking in macking & shacking, yada, yada, yada!

Aubarella- Well that is what she was calling herself a couple of seasons ago, when Danity Kane had their first show. Aubarella truly thinks she is a star, ordering people around, like she can’t lift a finger. She is one paycheck away from living right next door to the Shiznit headquarters. Who does she think she is? Christina Aguillera. No boo-kie, you are more on the level of Christina Millian, who right about now can only afford to live in her native of Waldorf, MD! But that is another can of worms, for another post (maybe tomorrow)! All in all, I really just wish this chick would shut up. She tries too hard, in a Ray J kind of way.

Diddy- What’s with him and his faux commercial breaks! I am convinced that he believes America, is just as in love with him as Kim Porter. When in reality we love him just as much as ex-Mega star Jennifer Lopez. I don’t need to see him flashing across the screen every 3 minutes with those too close Baboon Eyes, and that drooly mouth! His top lip is like a toucan beak, ready to pop open a can of soda pop! Did I just refer to a soft drink as soda pop?

The rest of the folk:
D. Woods, Aundrea, and Shannon- I see them on the screen, yet it seems like they are not really there. I couldn't tell you what they have been doing since the new season started. There is nothing to talk about.

Robert has finally learned to maintain his S-Curl. Now if we could just get him to realize that the S-Curl hasn't shone in the spotlight since Jodeci left the scene. If it were believe me, Usher would be shellacked down in moisturizer.

Brian, who I am convinced, was the inspiration for Diddy’s No Bitchassness campaign, really makes the hair on my baby toe stand up! Stop whining, cut off those extra skinny Virginia Slim cornrows, and retire.

Big Mike I like, because he is cool and down to earth, but is strait off the conveyor belt of the Build-a-bear workshop. Imagine dat, a build-a-bear with contacts, and an S-Curl. Ooh mommy can I have one?

The Ova guy! I still don’t know his name or his purpose! As a matter of fact I am still trying to figure out how he claimed a spot in this group. All I know now is that he is known for ripping off his wife beater at all the Day 26 shows. He is very reminiscent of Ronnie DeVoe, circa 1984.

The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed!

So word on the radio is that The Summit is going on tour. I say to myself..........Who tha? Then before I can complete my thought the announcer states that The Summit consist of non other than Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant, and Johnny Gill. Then another thought pops into said head.........What tha? Then the above stated announcer goes on to say that the concert will be at DC's own Constitution Hall. My question to The Summit is how do they plan to pack the house. That is unless they advertise this show as a comedy act. Let's evaluate this show. There is a lot to take into consideration.

The Group- Lets look at the fact that the name of the group sounds like a gospel singing group of 3 big sisters and their instrumentally talented but somewhat smaller 6 brothers from the south side of Detroit or Chicago (whatever tickles your fancy to envision this)! I could imagine this for Ginuwine, little Tevin Campbell, and Tyrese. But come on, New Edition minus BBD! That doesn't even sound right!

Bobby Brown- Reality TV Mega Star, definitely. Musical sensation, not so much! It will be extremely hard for him to pronounce the words to his songs when his mouth is so twisted to the side and rests right beside his ear! Sure he can hear what he's singing, but we won't be able to. But who knows! I just might like to see what Bobby still has in his repertoire of dance moves. And maybe he will bring out his equally talented son Landon (who we all know and love)! Majin Dat! Should be interesting. Maybe Bobby can convince Whitney and Little Bobbi Christina to join in as the family wonder, The Brown 4! Now that's a show.

Ralph Tresvant- Boy wonder, once upon a time. Beautiful falsetto voice, so 1980's! What are we going to get from him! He hasn't been a soprano in about 15 years. I don't know that I can appreciate his vocal stylings as a tenor! As a 40 something, these days he just isn't interesting! Maybe if he grows his 1980's shag back, I might be willing to pay attention.

Johnny Gill- Honey Roasted, Touche'! Beautiful Voice, true! Uses said beautiful voice to the best of his ability, not always! Within 2 minutes of his set, I guarantee he will be screaming like a howler monkey. My ears can't stand the pressure. The only way I might be willing to sit through this is if he brings Eddie Murphy out on the stage and serenades him with an awe inspiring version of My, My, My!

What's wrong with going on the road as New Edition? I know that Ricky Bell, Mike Bivins, and Ronnie Devoe aren't that busy. If it ain't broke don't fix it. The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed.