The Shiznit

Off the Wall

2009-06-26T10:23:00.002-04:00

Words Can't express the emotions at the loss of an icon. My childhood hero: Michael Jackson.

He was more than a person he was an event. I can remember a time when a Michael Jackson video was like a movie premier. Everyone had to see it. Whether it be Thriller, Bad, or my personal favorite Remember the Times!

As a former dancer I was always enamored with Michael's moves and the choreography of his video's. I waited for the moment he would introduce the dance world to a knew move that we had yet to learn. The choreography which was often time simple yet difficult was the highlight of my life. Although a lot of the choreography was easy he made it look like it was the most difficult task to learn because he was so eloquent and smooth. He had charisma!

I wish he knew how much he was appreciated before he left this earth. The media wanted to turn him into a monster because he was different and they didn't get it. They lifted him up and then kicked him down. Some fell for it. But in the end he prevailed because his true fans knew the humanitarian Michael who did so much for people all over this planet, and who moved a race of black people from the side bar to the top of the music and video charts. We love you Michael!

You Can't Handle the Truth

2009-05-05T11:19:00.008-04:00

Dear Readers of the Shiznit,

It is with sadness that I tell you Honesty has passed away. No one tells the truth anymore. Life is now all about what's the best lie you can tell. And since today is Top 10 Tuesday we are going to give a list of the Top lies we've heard in 09'! Lies are the new truth if you will? With a grief stricken heart here goes:

1. 30 cheese's and counting- I know sounds like a fallacy from the start. Well someone had the nerve to tell us that they make a mean 30 cheese lasagna. *Go on get your laughter out* Now come on, I can't even think of 30 cheeses off the top of my head, let alone 30 that I want to combine together in one pan of lasagna so that I can choke to death.

2. Real Estate Class- I had a fool look me straight in the eye and tell me he is about to start taking up Real Estate. Seems Harmless...........Rrright! Well we have three issues at hand a. He can't read and b. He's dumb as sh*t (not going to pass the class)

3. Stalked- This happens to be my favorite of the bunch. One of the Shiznit staffers former significant other recently called in to let us know that he was being stalked by Hype Williams. So I guess the recession has gotten to Hype too. Celeb's are so broke that they can't afford to pay Hype for their video's. Hence Hype isn't getting paid, so now he has time to stalk the fat curly haired ground hog who work's at Pizza Hut! Wow, what an amazing turn of events.

4. Long Hair don't care- So Mme. Chieftainess is off for her bi-weekly day of pampering. So as she is getting relaxed in the Shampoo bowl of her favorite Salon, the leather breath that is washing her hair starts going into how long her hair used to be. She actually said it was down to her gluteus maximus. Now mind you the texture and condition of the hair was a dead give away that leather breath was a habitual liar. There is no way on earth that her hair ever grew past her chin let alone her donk! To keep it short and sweet Your highness gave her a stern look in the eye and said "Look Frederick Douglass, I don't have time for this, here's ur complimentary tube of pink oil moisturizer. Now shut ur mouth when ur talking to me!"

5. Senior Model Moment- There was an elderly lady of 65 or so who reported to the Shiznit that she was the first black model on the cover of Vogue Magazine. Immediately we don't become starstruck because this is the business we are in. We know everything there is to know about Hollywood, and not once did a Miss Blank Blank from the Bahama's come across our radar as being the first black model on the cover of Vogue. Nor will she ever. Someone please have her checked for dementia because there is a severe attack of lunacy going around.

6. Cherokee Nation- Now this particular lie has actually gone on from decade to decade in the black community across the United States. One of our Shiznicious family members *I won't say whether it is the Mme. or DJ Anthology* insist that they have Indian in their family. Cherokee Indian to be exact. And your proof for this would be the Charcoal Black Lizzy ancestor with the porcupine like hair. There's no lie DNA can't fix! Also a PSA courtesy of the Shiznit: The Cherokee aren't the only Native American group in the US and they are not a Northeastern Tribe. Cut it out!

7. Cornucopia of Food- Every time a holiday pass a lady that is known in secret circles as Fat Meat, goes on to share with the Shiznit how much food she prepared for said Holiday. (i.e. Easter) Let's take a look at the list: Fried, baked, grilled, and Bbq'd Chicken, mashed taters, mac n cheese, ham, green beans, greens, fish, brisket, ribs, Hot dogs, hamburgers, lasagna, pasta salad, tuna salad, ice cream and about 20 cakes and pies. Come on now, who do you think your fooling. They don't even have that much of a variety at a Las Vegas buffet. When do you have time to cook all of this and who are you feeding? Now don't get me wrong Fat Meat who is all of 350lbs+ can put away some food, but damn she can't prepare all of that. Half of that stuff doesn't even go together.

8. Butter ain't nobody, that's jus my babydaddy- There is a close associate of the Shiznit who is dating someone who is an a$$hole! But said associate is so embarrassed that they always say they are going out dancing or to study. We here at the Shiznit attended said associates graduation, so uhhhhhhhh..........what are you studying? Man/Woman up and claim that futhermucker in the name of Jesu Christo! They ain't nobodies burden but your own.

9. It wasn't me- Just leave that song to Reggae Pop Star Shaggy, cause we at the Shiznit ain't trying to here all that. We saw you and him/her walking in the rain, you were holding hands and now it will never be the same. You know what you can do. Get on outta here with that alley cat coat wearing, hush puppy shoe wearing, crumbcake I saw you with cause you are dismissed! Silly rabbit didn't you know tricks was for kids! Wait, wait, snap back to it.......sometimes we take it so personal here at the Shiznit. *walking away shaking head, while singing Single Ladies*

10. The Devil is a liar- Someone told us that it was spring! And I deemed them down to the pits of hell for telling a lie like this. We don't even get spring anymore in DC. We just jump strait from Winter to Summer without a word of warning. So get out of my face and hop the next flight to China if you really want to know what spring looks like. Cause 30 days of rain ain't it! Meteorologist my a$$!

Stalker Shiz

2009-05-04T15:10:00.002-04:00

You know today was supposed to be a different kinda day at the Shiznit! I don't know what exactly we were going to discuss, but definitely not stalkers and shiz! But I digress. Here we are! Now every great celeb has a stalker, so I guess we've arrived. Or shall I say her Chieftainess has arrived. Mme. Editor-in-Chief has a stalker and believe me you it's no laughing matter. She is trying to figure out how to deal with this. This particular stalker doesn't realize that they are a stalker. Let's do a run down of this stalker! I usually like to do top 10 list on Tuesday, but this list can't wait. How to know if you are a stalker?:

1. Constant Calls- Damn let someone call you for a change. And if they don't.... lose the number. This is not going to bring you closer to anyone. We are in a recession, no one can afford to talk these days. We at the Shiznit like to waste our much needed minutes on people we care about!Call the cops!

2. Constant Text- If you can't get through to a ringing phone, what makes you think you will get an appointment via texting. Where is that Do Not Text list when you need it! Block the number!

3. Trying to hang out- Now this may sound like normal behavior. True, if you are friends, but minor associates need not apply. No the difference. There are more important people out there, you just didn't make the cut buddy! Nolle Prosequi not granted!

4. Cyberchasing- Email, Myspace, Facebook, and twitter have done a great dis-service for celebs like us because now we are stalked electronically. Via the Web. It's hard out here with Lamo Joe's waiting to pounce on their prey. They just wait in the wings, lurking, watching your every move. Damn those friend requests. Time for a restraining order!

5. Ok I am so annoyed that I can't go on! Real Top 10 list coming tomorrow.

The Return of the Jedi

2009-04-29T14:32:00.003-04:00

Well the staffers of the Shiznit have been on a rather extensive vacation. But guess what? We're back..........And we have so much to discuss, we aren't going to give it to you today. We beg your pardon on our hiatus, but we be needin rest sometimes. DJ Anthology has been cuttin the wheels of steel and having babies, and Mme Editor-in-Chief has been hitting the streets: soccer momming, travelling, and eating out! Oh and lest we forget, inaugurating! You know OUR inauguration party lasted for months! If you don't know what we mean by OUR then you aren't one of US!The social calendar was pretty tight but, we back.

By the way, here is the late staff congratulations to DJ Anthology and his leading lady on their new baby Connor. Shiznit write up on the butter bean coming soon.

In other news Mme. Editor-in-Chief just joined twitter. https://twitter.com/Mmeditorinchief

So follow her.........if you can keep up!

Dr. King tried to love somebody

2009-01-19T17:16:00.003-05:00

I know you remember it like it was yesterday, a bunch of predictable has been's (Fat Boys, Stacy Lattisaw, James "JT" Taylor, etc.) with a few stars (Whitney Houston, Stephanie Mills) sprinkled here and there came together in honor of Dr. King and made a music video. May not seem special now, but back then the music video was pretty new on the scene and who better to Honor than Dr. King.

Now I know the man was much bigger than this video but there are a few things I need to point out:

The Fat Boys sweatsuits. I don't know what is more disturbing the fact that someone I know looks like Buffy (the Beatbox dude), or that they were really passing off the one size fits all sweat suits.

Whitney Houston's matching sweater and turban set. I mean who besides Whitney could match those items up with a lovely winter white and Merlot print.

New Edition rapping instead of singing. Where were they going with this? This wasn't Kings dream. Nope, I've heard it, didn't mention it not once.

Manudo: Who decided that they should be in this video? Maybe this was the little black boys and girls hanging out with little white boys and white girls element Dr. King was talking about in his speech! He said let freedom ring from various locations in the US, but not once did I hear him say Puerto Rico! Oh well.

Stephanie Mills and JT Taylor singing into each others bedroom eyes. Did these two get the memo that this wasn't your usual 80's ballad video, we are singing about peace, freedom, civil rights, and........Dr. King. Why are you gazing gazelle's looking off into the sunset? Huh?

I always wondered why Stacy Lattisaw's career never took off. But now I know, she had the voice of an angel, but the personality of an oyster.

Teena Marie was always down. She has had our backs over the years. Does she even like her own race? I don't recall her ever reaching out to them. Oh well lets take one for the team. The King team that is.

Dexter King in a music video period is just disturbing. Where were the other King kids? I am sure Yolanda would have had a more profound part in all of this.

Dr. King thanks for all you have done, except influence a bunch of mismatched fools to come together in your honor and create a low budget video. Everybody sing for Martin Luther King!

Cumpleanos Feliz

2008-12-30T06:41:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to Madame Editor-in-Chief!

Chopped and Screwed

2008-12-11T09:27:00.002-05:00

DMX and Jesse Jackson, Jr. you've officially been Chopped and Screwed. Didn't I warn you ignant futhermuckers, this was going to happen. Didn't you see our post on the little drummer boy? Don't say the Shiznit didn't warn you! Good people of the Shiz, watch as the dominoes fall. Week by week, for the next 4 years, a quota of lime light nigglets will be brought down to their knees! So all you negroes and negresses, watch your back. Don't let John Forte being pardoned fool you. That pardon was in exchange for a list of about 20 other nigglets wrapped up in a holiday box with a bow on it!

Let's start with DMX. This is just embarrassing. A drug addict hiding out in a foreclosed house that belongs to someone else. What on earth? Who reported him a bitter real estate agent? This is one brother who can't get a break.

Moving on! Jesse...Jesse! Why Jesse, Why? Hasn't your father done enough damage! Just when Barack comes along to clean it up for us, you go and do something like this. The media doesn't even refer to you by your name any more, they just call you by your FBI name Candidate #5! We don't even know who candidate #1,2,3, and 4 are! No, they have just plastered your black a$$ all over the news.

Don't sign up for that class!

2008-12-10T09:47:00.005-05:00

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung by the Temptations. And folks dressed up in fur coats like Eskimos. Everybody knows......, it's going to take more than turkey and mistletoe for me to stray to the other side of the tracks. What is the other side you ask? Let's just say you bring home Sally or Hank for Christmas instead of Keisha or Tyvon! That's just a gift that your family never had a hankering about. Doesn't matter what race you are, if you celebrate your holiday's like an Amish family style smorgasbord, this applies to you too. You might be able to pull this off if you come from a lame family of cuatro! However, otherwise don't sign up for that class.

It's an unspoken rule. But can you imagine the family sitting together ready to listen to Nat King Cole sing the Christmas song, and all of a sudden your new beau puts in Yanni live at Buckingham Palace. Now look, we know that Yanni is talented, but he just doesn't fare thee well at the Soul Christmas. Now go on and pull out that James Brown Christmas please. In order to pull this off you will have had to introduce said outsider to each family member individually over the past year, so that they can adjust their race-o-meter.

The oreo romance works out about as well as an office romance (can'O worms for a nuva day)! Everyone isn't always welcome to break bread at the last supper table. You have to be able to recognize the greatness that is the big spoon and fork wall art. So good fans of the Shiznit, I leave you with these wise words from Nat:

Although it's been said many times, many ways, don't sign up for that class!

Making a list, checking it twice!

2008-12-09T14:33:00.006-05:00

Time after time, year after year, we celebrate the holidays with style and class. That is until we receive that gift, that leaves you speechless and looking from side to side as if the swat team is on your back. You can't believe that you received such nonsense from someone who should have known better. Today the Shiznit take a look at the top 10 gifts that you just don't want. The gift that your parents always said "It's the thought that counts!" But you know deep down that if THOUGHT's were a bug it would be a roach, and would be good as dead.

10. The Clapper- Clap on....Clap Off....Clap on, Clap off....The Clapper! For years I have seen these commercials, but never knew anyone who owned one of these contraptions. Can you imagine the lazy Lima bean that created this thing. You can't get up to turn off your light in your room. How lame is that? If you have one of these, next year the Shiznit will be giving you a coupon for a weekend stay at the finest nursing home on the south side of Chicago.

9. Celebrity Perfume/Cologne- This applies to all with the exception of Diddy. Not even Liz Taylor's White Diamonds are excused from this list. Just think to that glorious day, where you are ripping open your Christmas paper, and voila, there you have a supersized bottle of T-Pain Tranquil Beaches!

8. Food Baskets- You know the ones! Nasty slimy jellies/jams, salty sausages (no pun intended), and processed cheeses. Why are these things still on the market? I just knew that after 1995 those things were going to die. You know who I blame this on don't you?????? The man!

7. Avon/Mary Kay Gift products- Thanks a lot for a rash in a bottle. Just what I always wanted. Ooh and you got me the country grass scent! Smells so earthy!

6. Chia Pet- A plant shaped like a pet. Who wouldn't want that. It just screams gotta have it. I wonder what the Chia Pet fall 2009 collection will consist of. Doesn't matter because I gots to have my plant pet. It brings the chicness out in my living room.

5. Books- In hindsight it seemed like a good idea, but in reality your the only lonely Joe who has no life and mucho time to read. Nobody wants a book when you have a blog as fantasmic as the Shiz! Just a word of warning.

4. Flannel PJ's- Who thought that Flannel was the fabric that would make your nights slumber more comfortable? Who thought that Flannel should be sold in fabric stores for any kind of use? Private summers have nothing on flannel pj's.

3. Calling Card- IIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii, am caaaaaaaalllllllllinnnnnngggggggg youuuuuuuuuu! Now this would have been a great gift like 10 years ago. Maybe even 8 years ago. But today, you are lucky if I don't reach out and smack your dumb a$$ with the heel of my boot. Maybe I can use it towards my texting on my cell phone.

2. Fruit Cake- Who decided that this would be a good dessert let alone a gift? Mushy fruit, that once baked, taste exactly like raisins. Ugghhhh! This sounds appetizing how? Can you imagine the breath of the person who just had a slice of Berneatha's fruit cake? I'm bout to puke, 'scuse me!

1. Walkman- What the "F" am I going to do with a walkman? Do you know how stupid you will look walking around with a walkman? Better question do you know anyone who still owns one, because the Shiznit is handing out vouchers for free backhand smacks to the face to anyone who owns a walkman or the even more We-tod-did Discman! If you are insistent on giving out a Walkman make sure it comes complete with a Babyface cassette tape!

Little Drummer Boy

2008-12-05T16:39:00.004-05:00

Merry Christmas Black People, they incarcerated The Juice. That's right now close your mouth, Cause you cold busted! And no I am not talking about Oran Juice Jones, its Orenthal James. Barack Obama has won the presidency, and the man (white people) is not having any more of our shiznit! You know their first impulse was to run up on him and do a Rambo, pull out the Jimmy and flat blast him! But instead they chilled. That's right chilled!They are starting with OJ, but they are about to mop the floor with our arses. Now don't get me wrong, I believe OJ did it, like the next man, but I can think of at least 200,000 former slave owners who never did any time for beating, raping, killing, torturing, black folks for years. They are going to see to it that he suffers, and that we don't see his face in 2023. That release date is going to come up with not so much as a peep from his former in laws. Why? Because he'll be long gone by that time.

Rodney King, I know you are on that MTV drug show to improve your life, but run brotha. You next! Don't go lookin' in that closet 'cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. So until then. You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, hushpuppy-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with. Cause you dismissed!

Sleighbells, Jingling, Ring, Ting, Tingling, too!

2008-12-02T17:43:00.006-05:00

Johnny Matthis said it best when he sang his classic song "Sleigh Bells!" However there are lots of crimes during this annual festival of greed! My friends, you should thank father Clause for the return of Top 10 Tuesday. Today we will examine the Top 10 things that the Shiznit dislikes about Christmas.

10. Multicultural Santa Clause's- People lets just face it, St. Nick is White. As a black owned blog, we have to admit that there is nothing worse than running into a brother who is calling himself Santa, with a frown on his face because he really doesn't like kids after all. This goes for the Hispanic Santa's out there too. It might fly in your native country, but not here in the good ole U.S. of A. Santa Clause is white,....... like Jesus. Hey don't give me that lip about he had hair of lambs wool, so does Howard Stern, Ben and Fred Savage, but I don't see you all trying to claim them.

9. Holiday Fashion- Men and Women alike shall be awarded a hefty fashion fine for Christmas sweaters this year. Year after year, we have laughed until we have pissed our pants, and said p*ss froze up in the blustery winters night, over Christmas Sweaters. And all of you little Polly Pockets that thinks its cool to wear patent leather church shoes, with frilly ruffle socks, can suck on a piece of Jell-O!

8. Busy Christmas Cookies- Here at the Shiznit we pride ourselves as connoisseurs of food, so you can't pull the wool over our eyes when it comes to delectable desserts. If you place any of the following items in your holiday cookies, you should be be-headed: Raisins, cranberry's, maraschino cherries, coconut, jelly. You get the point. This is the season of powdered sugar, chocolate chips, butter, cream cheese, marshmallows, rolled oats, etc. Don't pull a Martha Stewart!

7. Carolers- What idiot came up with this idea. Who thought it was safe for a group of goofy strangers to walk up and down the street ringing people's doorbells, like Jehovah's Witness, and forcing the poor family inside the home, to listen to the word of God, via music. Well the Shiznit does the same thing to these crazy Yule Logs, that it does to the Jehovah's Witness. We turn off all the lights in the house, hide out, and look through the peep hole until it is safe to come out.

6. Black Christmas Films are a staple around the holiday time. However they are never really good. The producers usually look to those black stars who really need to catch a break. You know the usual suspects who never see the light of day the rest of the year, nor have they ever been in a film with anyone outside of their race.

5. Target go to heck! You call those sale prices, well shrew you! I don't care how dingy and in need of a makeover Wally World is, that is where I will be doing my Christmas shopping. Sure Tar'Zhe is beaming with a Christmas glow, but the prices scream member of Satan's army. I would like to match up your quote on quote prices with Wally's regular prices. Punks (Tar'Zhe) jump up to get beat down! Apparently you guys at the home of the bulls eye didn't get the memo that we were in a recession. True story...Barack Obama said so!

4. Real Christmas trees are so overrated. Fake is where it's at. You buy it one time and it last for at least 5 years. When is the last time you have been able to take a real tree out to the shed and go back out a year later to put it back up for Christmas? Oh you guessed it, the Shiz is gonna tell ya. Never! Besides that the real trees always have the oddest shapes. Either there are not enough pine needles, or it's fuller on one side than the other, so it causes the tree to lean. Not to mention all the tree parts that end up on your freshly buffed and waxed hardwood floor. Besides I don't need any Forest bugs showing up in my home (courtesy of the tree) trying to hate on our Christmas Celebration because he's Jewish. (DIFFERENT CAN'O WORMS FOR A NUVA DAY)

3. Starbucks goes into overdrive for 11 months trying to come up with those three Christmas flavors that everyone comes to know and love. Double Peppermint Mocha Java Hut Latte, Can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man Candy Cane Chai, and Dancer, Prancer, Donner, and Blitzen Frappachino's will be sold at Market price annually. Then come January and you can't have anymore, just when you finally found the flavor you love. Not to mention those Christmas compilation Cd's that Da Bucks put out, with the same songs, which by the way they just change the album cover, so that the CD never sees the light of day of the clearance rack.

2. Church is in session almost every day of the week during the Christmas Season. We might as well change the name of the month to Churchember, because weather you like it or not that is where you will be. How do they expect the Shiznit staffers to go out shopping for their families, with this busy church schedule? I know the saved don't think we accomplished all of that on Black Friday, during the month of Turkeyvember!

1. Christmas Compilations are just a major musical faux pas. In recent years many artist have tried their finger at old Christmas classics, and have sang them beyond recognition. Just think back circa 199?, I can't think of the year, but TLC decides to put their spin on "Sleigh Ride!" TLC and Christmas music go together about as well as.... T-Boz and singing. Separately it's magic, but put them together and you just have the second largest world disaster on your hands. Donny Hathaway was the last of the great Christmas song singers. The Shiznit is of the firm belief that there are enough pre-1970's Christmas Music to last us a nutha century. We don't need any new updates, kind words of warning to T-Pain and anyone else who may have thoughts of Sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads.

Lazy Hustla

2008-11-24T10:57:00.004-05:00

So it's that time of year when we give thanks! Most of you greedy retards will only eat until you have sugar diabetes. Have you ever stopped and consider giving a little so that some other unfortunate soul might be thankful. Of course not. Thank goodness here at the Shiznit we are givers. We have taken to helping out those in need this holiday season, and so that we don't come off as self righteous braggers, I will end it right there.

Now on to you selfish S.O.B.'s! Nothing burns me up more than that yearly request for can goods, for the needy. Why does this supposed good dead irk me so? I will give you two reasons. One people are hungry all year long, why load them up with the good stuff on the last Thursday in the month, then let them down on the last friday of the month and the days to follow. Have a heart!

Moving on to reason two, people always give away old stuff they don't want anymore. If you don't want a 5 year old bottle of brand x apple sauce, what makes you think someone else wants it. I know they are needy, but everyone has a cutoff point. Can you imagine Benji, the former janitor from Holy Cross Hospital, coming in to receive his care package, and it is loaded with year old goodies. Yummy! He can't wait to make a wish sandwich out of that moldy pumpernickle, and wait til he opens that can of two year old Corn. Surprise!!!!!!!, the corn has been in there so long, he now gets a free sip of Makers Mark Bourbon and a side of creamed corn. You little giver you, two gifts in one can.

Pepsi Break

2008-11-19T09:34:00.003-05:00

OK I didn't want to break away from church week but I had to do it. There is too much to talk about, so we will get back to our praise and worship tomorrow.

Item numero uno: Beyonce's new CD. I likes! Perhaps I like the Sasha Fierce half of the album better than the Beyonce half. Nonetheless still a good effort. I didn't know what to expect. A lot sounds like she borrowed Prince's former band the Revolution. Perhaps she convinced Wendy and Lisa to strike up those instruments and help her out on her new album. So what makes her Sasha Fierce, is it that King of Pop glove that she is wearing? Or is it the double disc, which by the way I am of the mind that she could have fit all 11 songs on 1 CD? But I digress. However I now realize that I really don't dislike Beyonce as much as I thought. It's Kelly Rowland who we hate. She is the leach who hangs on to Beys proverbial ball's! Bey has done nothing but befriend this desperately seeking Susan. Sorry for all of the unkind words in the past Mrs. Carter or shall I call you Your Fierceness?

Numero Dos: Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am hooked, this has to have been the best Housewives of them all. I liked New York, but when I watch ATL I feel like I am at a family reunion, minus Kim though. I don't think she could come around trying to sing, and no one tell her. NeeNee is a favorite.

Numero Tres: Keyshia Coles show. Honestly they should change this to the Frankie and Neffy comedy hour. Somebody please donate a church outfit to Frankie. Please. I know this is supposed to be the last season, but they have to give Frankie and Neffy their own show. BET if you do nothing else for black people please give us more cowbell, in the form of Frankie and Neffy. Sadly for Keyshia they are ruining her career, because now I could care less about her Cd's I just want to see her mother say "Man down" and hear her sister curse somebody out every 15 seconds.

The Evils of Carnality!

2008-11-18T08:00:00.008-05:00

Gluttony Envy Pride Greed Sloth Wrath Lust

As you can tell from today's topic someone who works for the Shiznit has started to enter the house of the Lord. To God be the glory! Is this a conspiracy of the Catholic Church to condemn all of our souls to eternal damnation. Here at the Shiznit we commit all of these sins on at least a weekly if not daily basis. Lets examine these sins, shall we?

Gluttony- The over indulging or over consumption of anything. Down with Thanksgiving Dinner you negligible gluttons. I have seen these gluttons walking around and they disgust me, with all of their over spending and over eating. Oh wait, that's my second plate of food. I thought they were talking about the ones with the 4th and 5th plates. My bad. I will just try and have one from now on. Oh these, I got these shoes like 4 years ago, I wear these old things all the time. I might give them to some unfortunate soul if I get a hole in the bottom. You get the point people.

Envy- Is definitely one of the worst sins on the list. The desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. Haters beware, the lord hath his eye on you and he heard what you said about Michelle Obama's dress! But we have an even bigger issue people! Beyonce's new CD is coming out tomorrow and its guaranteed to be a lot of envious people on the sidelines, us included. Sure we will purchase the CD, but you already know how we do at the Shiznit. The world is doomed to die in the biggest flame of fire you will ever see! And we ain't talking about the California wild fires. No the lord holds a special place in his heart for lady B, which is why she is at the top, and the envious ones are at the bottom. But on the real I am going to need her to ease up off of the Ballads when she makes her fourth album "I was always a solo artist, with backup dancers!"

Pride- This can be tricky for my peeps because since the day we were born we were told to have pride and hold our head up,like Martin Luther King! Get back Lucifer, I rebuke you! Pride is the excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individuals recognition of the grace of God. I am starting to believe that life after Hollywood, ain't all that great. There's a lot of pride in that town. Kanye, you are going to have to do a little more than sing Jesus Walks!

Greed- You people thought the state of California was burning because of some mad arsoner! No that's just his majesty beaming down through extra hot sun rays reminding all of those millionaires to donate to us little folks sometimes. Thank you Lord!

Sloth- Flat out laziness. I would love to take the fall for this, but I blame America. They have made everything available to all of the Slothful Americans, legals, and illegals alike. We've been backed into a dark hollow corner of laziness. Especially DJ Anthology who hasn't written a blog posting in a couple of months now! Its real dark and lonely at the bottom Anthology!

Wrath- I don't know how to avoid wrath, but to relocate to some super friendly backwoods peninsula around 36 longitude, and 175 latitude, such as Happytown, Canada! If you live in a major city the fact is no matter how fly you are, how much money you make, and if your significant other has the best pimp juice in town, you are a doomed S. O. B. You are the meanest futhermuckers ever. Feel the wrath on Judgement day biatch!

Lust- Obsessive thoughts of sexual desires. Its safe to say that Mme. Editor in Chief is a regular luster. As a matter of fact she was lusting so much recently that the lord just went on ahead and blessed her with a lil sum'n sum'n to curve her appetite, so that she might enter into the kingdom of heaven. And we are not talking about a slice of pie, this was more like Banana's Foster. I'm guessing its safe to say that maybe there is space for Mme. Editor in Chief to blog eternally in the pits of darkness.

The Lord is my Sheperd, he knows what I don't have!

2008-11-17T07:30:00.008-05:00

The Shiznit is dedicating this week to the Church. We've been enlightened to share our love of the lord with the fans, in a different but unique way. Shiznit Style if you will. I know that some of you are sensitive, but everything we do is in good positive spiritual fun. Also, thanks to the economy we don't have enough money to give Tithes & Offerings, so we figure if we give 10% of our blog time to the Lord it more than makes up for what we lack in the big gold plate.

Speaking of which, lets examine this whole tithing and offering situation. Word on the street is that we are supposed to give 10% of our earnings to the church. Now we aren't selfish, but when did the omnipotent start working in the form of dividends. What did they tithe with when there wasn't money? Someone let us know, so that I can start giving that way. The staff at the Shiznit are traditionalist and would like to tithe the historic and/or original way. Pass the Peas like we used to do!

Two Words

2008-11-14T11:16:00.003-05:00

Wayne Brady! Get It. Still Amazed!

You know I realize now that I have spent the first half of my life underestimating people. Wayne Brady is one of those people who was forced to make a believer out of the Shiznit. Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the new side of Wayne Brady. Perhaps its his old side, that he is bringing to the forefront. Whatever the case his new CD is simply amazing. He doesn't try to hard, he is just a natural. Move over Jamie Foxx, theirs a new strip of bacon in the pan! The Highlights of the album are pretty much the whole damned thing! You decide.

Operation Celebration! Mission Complete

2008-11-05T11:56:00.005-05:00

Yes.WE.DID! And if you are a part of the opposition and you are complaining today, kick rocks cuck-soccer, beat it!

For all of those that didn't believe me when I said he would devour the opposition, bite me.

To Sarah Palin, pig go put some lipstick on!

To John McCain, sorry you lost a second time, but at least this time it was to a better man.

To Black People, Mazel Tov, its a celebration b*tches, L'Chayim!

To all of the other masses who supported Barack, once you go black, you know the rest! Thanks for the turnout and whatnot!

To George Bush, have your sh*t out by January One!

To Joe Biden, enjoy the ride!

And in closing Obamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Oh and if you are not from DC, and you talk trash about Marion Barry, F you because he won another election last night as council member in the 8th Ward!

The Vote has been Baracked!

2008-11-04T12:00:00.002-05:00

One half of the Shiznit has voted so far. Mme. Editor-in-Chief, went out at 6:42am with her seed and her younger brother. As some of the Shiznit's fans know, all of the above people are crazy and hilarious. We must have had the whole voting line about to pee on themselves from laughing. When we arrived at Oxon Hill Elementary (O-Hill Represent), the line was wrapped around to the back of the school. We had no choice but to get the jokes started and get a gym credit for hiking to the back of the school. As we are standing in line we have seen black folks from every walk of life come out. I know some of the men haven't come up out of their mama's basement in almost 20 years. It was so good to see Bubba N'dem, Man Man the pusher man, and Nikki the Ho of Babylon resurface!

The highlight of the voting was definitely supporting the first time voters. Who knew that they would be the laughing stock, simply because they were a FTV? So as I approached the line I ran into a girl from High School, who shall remain nameless, because I had no idea she was a first time voter. You know I always thought us Catholic School kids were so progressive, but I guess not. So she is in front of me and she goes up to get her card, and the people up front shout out, to the audience of about 300 black folks + kids, and says "We have another first time voter, lets cheer them on and give them a round of applause!" I die, literally. Once I come to, I picked my convulsing body up off the ground, wiped the tears from my eyes, and stopped laughing, I was able to cheer my fellow alumni on! But as I cheered, I thought to myself this was the same girl who was progressive enough to have not 1 but 2 babies while in High School, but this is her first time voting. But better late than never, is what we always say at the Shiznit, and she came out right on time for Barack! She probably voted for slots too, but that is a different can of worms for another day! Happy voting everyone.

When Doves Cry????

2008-10-22T15:14:00.004-04:00

Time after time, after time, after time, I have received emails with the most disturbingly hilarious ghetto wedding photo's. Well today is no different. Today I received what I thought was an innocently tacky wedding photo shoot of a couple with bad haberdashery judgement.

The Bride

Quanette' Murdock is glamorous as she steps down the aisle in a White frock with what looks like big lollipops without the stick attached to the gown. I'm not talking your plain tootsie pop. No that is for lame Joe's. I'm talking huge Willie Wanka-esque rainbow swirl lollipops! Her bouquet (courtesy of the craft department at Michael's craft store) is laden with flowers that range from every spectrum of the rainbow.

The Groom

Man Man Robinson is so debonair in his rainbow colored vest to match the lovely pendants on the brides gown. What caps Man Man's look off is the rainbow colored tennis shoes that match the vest. Just when you think they had covered all of the patterns that could possibly end up on a shoe! Also who knew that sports shoes should ever show up at a wedding.

So as this affair is going on Man Man gets bored and starts texting people at his own wedding. But Nette' knows how to get his attention back. She lifts up her dress (bedroom style) and tells Man Man to come get the garter. The photo captures it all. The excited look on Man Man's face is a cross between I'm the champion and I am going to blow her back out tonight. I had to do a double take to capture that look on Man Man's face again, when all of a sudden I realized something. Man Man really is Latasha Robinson from across the street. No one warned me that it was a Lezzyfest! Not even the rainbows gave it away. I just shrieked in horror. This is what it sounds like when Doves Cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignorance becomes insitutionalized!

2008-10-20T09:23:00.003-04:00

OK, so here at the Shiznit we are big supporters of the whole HBCU network. Why? you ask! Well I will tell you. The Shiznit staff of two both attended HBCU's, one of us was fortunate to attend the esteemed Howard University, while the other not so fortunate staffer had to go to Morgan State University! Speaking of which, these two schools met up at the better schools homecoming for a showdown on the football field.

Now lets face it, Howard University has the best homecoming amongst all colleges and universities, not just HBCU's. I'm serious just ask the people over at Sport's Illustrated, they will tell you. However it doesn't mean that this renowned institute of higher learning is above opening it's doors to ignorance. Ignorance needs love too. So one of our staffers decides to attend Howard Universities Yardfest on Friday. No harm in that. Wrong!!!!!!!!! If you can get past the sea of nappy headed h*es and perpetrating Percell's, who never even thought about going to school, you just might run into some of the folks, who attend, had attended, and will attend.

Said staffer, met up with another alumni to take it all in. Since it was kinda chilly on Friday. Let me rephrase that. It was cold on Friday, the two alumni are bundled up in stylish jeans, boots, and jackets. However they had not received the memo that it was summer time on the yard. There were so many girls in shorts with boots. I don't know the last time a boot protected me from the winter Hawk, but to each his own. Ignorance is alive and well.

So on to lunch! So its a must to stand in line for fried fish and fries at the Real HU. While waiting in line there are tons of club promoters with bullhorns trying to persuade the younguns on the yard to attend. One club promoter stood out amongst the crowd. How could he not as he spoke the words "All you real n*gga's come out to club Fur. My New York N*gga's! My Trini N*gga's! Big up my Trini N*gga's! Ladies get at me if you wanna party with real N*gga's!" What better place to find a N*gga than at an institution of higher education. I was quite frankly embarrassed because I had no idea that I had gone to school with n*gga's. That I had come back to meet up with a bunch of n*gga's! Can you imagine what the line must have looked like at Fur that night. N*gga's running wild. Ignorance 101 at an HBCU! So I get my fish and my mind is now off of the most ignorant n*gga on the yard, out of nowhere I hear this raspy singing. Is this brother choking on wind? He is killing my ears, but people are clapping for him. "Other alumni, hold my fish please!" I go to catch a glance, and it's none other than no shape-up heartthrob, Terrance Howard! I love T. Howard, but he is ignorant enough to believe he can sing. His singing is like Terrance Trent D'arby with the flu! Master guitar player, who knew? Singing sensation, N*gga please!

When I think it couldn't possibly get any worse, I decide to go to the bookstore to purchase some Howard tagged items. Imagine my chagrin when I rise to the second floor and none other than Howard University's own Omarosa Manigault is conducting a book signing. So I am happy for her because she has been given the short end of the stick by public media. I debate with myself over whether I buy the book, or not! Not! The book was titled The Bitch Switch! This n*gga done lost her mind. So I go back downstairs and "Browse" when I keep hearing this loud mouth boy, who refuses to shut up. He wants to be seen so bad. Who is it? None other than Roll Bounces own Brandon T. Jackson. I can only imagine how jealous you guys are that you didn't get to see him, considering how popular and well known he is in Hollywood. I start thinking to myself, "I truly am surrounded by n*gga's, maybe I should have gone to Morgan State University! Ignorance is institutionalized! Now can I please go back to my life without a bunch of n*ggerdom!

Let me clear my thoat? (Pun intended)

2008-10-14T10:47:00.009-04:00

Exsqueeze Me, can you please stop playing word games? Seriously there are some folks out there who should be banned from the English speaking world. Have you had a conversation with a co-worker and you walked away wondering what East African dialect of Arabic they were speaking? Well I have news for you, they were speaking English. Was it proper? Nah! Did they put a lot of effort into it? Hell yeah, Didn't you hear how they said Shaushage with conviction? If you are wondering what a shaushage is....so begins our discussion.

Food for thought:

Shaushage's can be found in almost any supermarket across the globe (especially the US and Germany). You and I know them as sausages, but Tobias refuses to pronounce his S's without an h, so there you have it, Shaushages! But they are indeed tasty.

Moving on to our next word: Panny Cakes! Because you just simply can't eat shaushages without Panny Cakes. To hear an adult talk about the joy they experienced while eating panny cakes and shaushages makes me wanna run in my pantry and pull out the big bottle of Mrs. Butterworths surrp.

Which brings me to Debbled Eggs! What is a a debbled egg? I have been offered debbled eggs so many times, but I kindly turn the host down because I only eat deviled eggs! Once you start debbling them I get turned off, because there isn't enough manayse.

Politically Speaking:

Its sad to say that although I am voting for Barack Obama I am learning to love Sarah Palin. Why? Because she's a Mavericky Mavericking Maverick, I look forward to Tina Fey mocking her for the next 4 years on SNL, and because she always reminds us about Nucular energy. I know that some of you might only be familiar with Nuclear Energy, but it's about time you step up your Nucular game. Where does Nucular energy exist, I don't know. Maybe its the outer rim of Nuclear energy.

Say my Name, Say my Name!

So I am sitting at my 9-5 when lunch hour falls upon me. So I do the usual go pick something up to eat and return to laugh it up with my folks. We get into a hot and heavy discussion about movies we love. And of course the uneducated bunch always bring up how much they love Friday (a movie which I never liked, but that's a different can'O worms). While in the midst of the conversation someone says, I just loved Frayzhon Love as Big Worm. Who the Eff is Frayzhon Love. I can recall a Faizon Love, but I didn't know he had a twin brother named Frayzhon, who played his stunt double in the movie.

The next victim of name fraud is Poor Donnie McClurkin. People have said his name wrong so many times that he fell down and did not get up. Donnie McClerklin, Donnie McKirklin. It's not that hard. (Mc-Clur-Kin)! Get it, Got it, good!

Which brings me to my all time favorite! Baskin and Robinson's. I don't know about you, but I have never purchased Ice Cream from that establishment. I prefer to get my sundaes from Baskin Robbins, although I believe Baskin and Robinson's just might have 42 flavors!

Past Perfect/Present Perfect

Flash back a couple of years when MTV was honoring Janet Jackson and they asked her brother's to introduce her. Low and behold they are really doing a good job, when all of a sudden the Gary, Indiana comes out of Marlon Jackson when he says "Janet, you all growed up now!" Growed up? Growed up, Marlon? I expect that from Randy Jackson, but come on Marlon. Grew is the past tense of grow. Not Growed! Same applies to Throw, the past tense is threw, not throwed.

So this Christmas season, if you open your mailbox and there is a free copy of word smart I & II, instead of a card know that its from the Shiznit with love. Changing lives one at a time. We are only giving out Cards to those who know how to talk.

I’ve got the grocery store blues

2008-09-30T10:05:00.004-04:00

Grocery shopping is just not as exciting as it used to be. There are so many strange and interesting characters who go out of their way to make sure your shopping experience is uncomfortable. Top 10 reasons the Shiznit is too through! There could be more, but we are limited to 10. If you think we missed something let us know!

The Rule Breaker is here to stay. The rule breaker is that idiot with 52 items who insist on getting in the 15 items or less line. Who the hell do you think you are? It’s not that they can’t read, they just insist that they are going to have faster service regardless.

The Segregationist is the second most annoying person at the grocery store. Who is the segregationist? Oh, my friends you know him/her very well! It’s that person in front of you in the check-out line, who will have a fit, if your food is within 5 inches of theirs. So what do they do? He/She/It slams down that plastic stick that is used to separate orders from one another, like you don’t have common sense to get it yourself. Imagine this, Rutherford in front of you has $100 worth of groceries, meanwhile you have a soda, pack of Trident, and mini bag of chips. Rutherford just can’t stand the thought of accidentally having your $2.25 order standing side by side with his order, so the OCD victim slams down said plastic stick in protest. Why, because segregation is still alive and well! Dr. King is so disappointed.

Re-stockers get on my nerve for two reasons! A.) Because they never re-stock the stuff we grocery constituents want and need, and b.) Because they wait until the busy hours of the day to restock. They are in your way, but yet they somehow manage to make you feel like it’s the other way around. They are looking at you like, “I know you see me with all my boxes here, and you have the nerve to come down this aisle wanting flour and sugar!”

The Love Dr. lives and works at the grocery store. I wanna make love in this grocery store. Not! Usher did not sing it that way. So if you work at a grocery store stop trying to hit on people. No one in truth wants to date someone who works at the grocery store. Think about it. I know it’s decent that you have a job, but you just aren't on the level of the shopper. Which is why you work there, and they shop there. It’s not a meeting ground for future couplehood. Imagine Sarah a partner at a law firm dating, Brice from the meat department. Stop sprucing up your uniform with nice shoes and jewelry.

The Cart Racer is on his/her way to getting slapped. There are always about 10 of these idiots in a grocery store at any given time. The fool is about to run you over trying to get to the soup aisle. So what do they do, they ride their cart so close to your rear, that when you stop, there is a major collision with you and the metal battering ram.

Jesus loves the little children, all of the children of the world! Red and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in his site. Jesus loves the little children of the world. Well I ain't Jesus! I am of the mind that the grocery store is no place for kids, kinda like the liquor store! So please leave Man Man and Tee Tee home. Even if you have no sitter, I would rather you stay home and starve. These people are always in the way with their strollers, or the world famous child cart. You know the one, with a fisher price children's truck attached to the shopping cart. You look like an idiot. So does little Tommy.

The Constant Dropper should be banned from the grocery store. The constant dropper acts as though they never heard the phrase you break it, you buy it! Once they drop the glass jar of salsa/ or cheese spread they look at you as if you are going to take the fall for them. I know people with MS, Parkinson’s, and tremors that have a better grip on breakables than the constant dropper.

The Newbie who doesn't know sh*t. No matter what you ask the Newbie they don't know. Why? Because he/she just started. Where is the bathroom? I don't even know, I just started! So you mean to tell me you haven't peed all day. You just held it out like a soldier. Get the "F" outta here, you virgin!

The Sale Hog is just plain greedy. I like the next person love Minute Maid fruit punch, but just because it's on sale for $0.99 this week doesn't mean you have to get the whole stock of them, leaving everyone else with the tart lemonade. Besides, where are you going to store all of this juice Horse Head?

The Price Check shopper, has an eye for sales, a hand full of coupons! The price check shopper wouldn't be so annoying if they would just take care of this out of the line. They wait until they are in front of you to figure out a price. Then the dreaded blinking light has to be turned on. Had you known this would happen you would hath never lain all of your items out on the conveyor belt. S.O.B.!

High Pitch Heaven or So high only a dog can hear it!

2008-09-29T09:00:00.001-04:00

When was it, that the American Public decided that it would be nice to hear a strapping lad singing in Soprano? When did that become sexy? Do you really want sweet nothings whispered in your ear, by a man with a voice 12 octaves higher than yours? Well apparently we do because we have attempted to make the following men rich.

1. Prince is the.......well...I guess you can say PRINCE of high pitchedness! Who is the King you ask? We may never know. But Prince is hands down the.......Prince of the high piercing screech. Somehow when one of his songs come on (lets say Insatiable), your body automatically goes into a time warp where there are ropes, chains, a strange mans breath beaming down your neck, and a king size bed with love ointments (waiting to be used) lying on the pillow. The next day you wake up hog tied to the shower rod, and you don't even how you got there. That ladies and gentleman is the power of Prince.

2. El Debarge where are you? I miss that little wavy haired ken doll! The last I remember hearing about El, is him getting locked up for domestic violence. 1 point for the home team. I know most people would say that is wrong, but if you are walking around getting beat up by the likes of El Debarge, you should be ashamed. Oh and step your fight club game up. If El even so much as tap danced and mistakenly stepped on my toe, I would take him out. Who is the weakling that got beat up by El? Whoever she is, should be ashamed, getting beat up by a 5'1, 115 lb., Balladeer. Magin Dat!

3. D'angelo's soprano is currently in jail or could be house arrest. Either way he hasn't really done a good job of preserving his Soprano Sexy! You know who I blame for this don't you? Angie Stone. She knew she wasn't on his level. And don't act surprised that I said it, because ya'll were thinking the same thing. Why couldn't she just go and date someone along the lines of Dave Hollister. If it wasn't for her we would have seen parts 2 & 3 of D's How does it feel trilogy. Or at least I was patiently lying in wait for part 2 & 3. However, despite all this travesty (weight gain, drugs, etc.), I still am a big fan of Lady. "I can tell their looking at us!"

4. Al B. Sure only had 15 minutes of High Pitched fame. 5 Minutes for Nite and Day (we won't discuss how he misspelled night), 5 minutes for Off on Your Own Girl, 1 minute for Rescue Me, 1 minute for Killing Me Softly, 1 minute for If I'm Not Your Lover, and finally 2 minutes for The Secret Garden. He got 2 minutes for Secret Garden because the song was hot, and he shared the stage with others, which is why he can't get full credited minutes. Al went into the Secret Garden, got lost, and never came back. Once upon a time I actually believed that Al was going to be around 4eva! But now the only remnants of him floating around are his sons Quincy (the cute cornball) and Lil B. Sure (the not so cute cornball). Although Quincy has the potential to be cool one day, that is if he takes his step daddy's money and runs! Lil B. Sure will just fade into the sunset with his dear old dad! Do you, wanna, wanna, rescue them?

5. Maxwell something about his songs just make you go into hysterics, all while washing dishes! Then the next thing you know, you are knocked up by some random fish face (catfish if you need more specifics), because you needed a quick fix, thanks to MAXWELL!

6. Bilal is just a character all together! Talented, but just strange as all hell. He has a high pitched voice and that is all I have to say about him.

7. Tevin Campbell must be making a come back because this is the second time we have used his name in our blog here at the Shiznit. Tevin was on a falsetto roll, when once upon a time (circa 1989) he was a guest star on the Arsenio Hall show, and could not deliver that sound that we had all come to know and love. Low and behold Tevin starts out in his usual aria, then somewhere in the middle his voice cracks, and he finishes the song as an Alto! Why Tevin, Why?

Enough is Enough! Or is it?

2008-09-24T10:35:00.002-04:00

Initially I was going to write about Dancing With the Stars, but in walks Making the Band. There are sooo many things about this show that irk me, but I will start with the most irksome moments of the show: Q and Dawn. I will then follow that up with Aubrey (I am sure you get the point). To close I will just fill up the cornucopia with random fruits and vegetables from the show! The Highlight of this week was that we didn't have to see Mrs. Boom Kat! However through all of this I still remain steadfast in watching this show.

Qwanell and Dawn- Lets begin with the fact that his name is Qwanell, which is no fault of his, but it is his fault that he decided to stick with that name. Dawn, the whiny voiced, mocha colored, my little pony, officially irks my nerve. I tried to be supportive of their little love affair, but I can’t take her saying “Awwwwwww Babyyyyyyy” not another time. We have stated it here at the Shiznit before, “Its not gonna last!” Damn people when are you going to get it. Dawn is going to get tired of looking at those large marble eyes and Q is going to get tired of looking into that long antelope face of hers. I give it 6 more months of foolishness, before he tells her what he really thinks of her singing, and she will let him know how much he is lacking in macking & shacking, yada, yada, yada!

Aubarella- Well that is what she was calling herself a couple of seasons ago, when Danity Kane had their first show. Aubarella truly thinks she is a star, ordering people around, like she can’t lift a finger. She is one paycheck away from living right next door to the Shiznit headquarters. Who does she think she is? Christina Aguillera. No boo-kie, you are more on the level of Christina Millian, who right about now can only afford to live in her native of Waldorf, MD! But that is another can of worms, for another post (maybe tomorrow)! All in all, I really just wish this chick would shut up. She tries too hard, in a Ray J kind of way.

Diddy- What’s with him and his faux commercial breaks! I am convinced that he believes America, is just as in love with him as Kim Porter. When in reality we love him just as much as ex-Mega star Jennifer Lopez. I don’t need to see him flashing across the screen every 3 minutes with those too close Baboon Eyes, and that drooly mouth! His top lip is like a toucan beak, ready to pop open a can of soda pop! Did I just refer to a soft drink as soda pop?

The rest of the folk:
D. Woods, Aundrea, and Shannon- I see them on the screen, yet it seems like they are not really there. I couldn't tell you what they have been doing since the new season started. There is nothing to talk about.

Robert has finally learned to maintain his S-Curl. Now if we could just get him to realize that the S-Curl hasn't shone in the spotlight since Jodeci left the scene. If it were believe me, Usher would be shellacked down in moisturizer.

Brian, who I am convinced, was the inspiration for Diddy’s No Bitchassness campaign, really makes the hair on my baby toe stand up! Stop whining, cut off those extra skinny Virginia Slim cornrows, and retire.

Big Mike I like, because he is cool and down to earth, but is strait off the conveyor belt of the Build-a-bear workshop. Imagine dat, a build-a-bear with contacts, and an S-Curl. Ooh mommy can I have one?

The Ova guy! I still don’t know his name or his purpose! As a matter of fact I am still trying to figure out how he claimed a spot in this group. All I know now is that he is known for ripping off his wife beater at all the Day 26 shows. He is very reminiscent of Ronnie DeVoe, circa 1984.

The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed!

2008-09-16T16:49:00.009-04:00

So word on the radio is that The Summit is going on tour. I say to myself..........Who tha? Then before I can complete my thought the announcer states that The Summit consist of non other than Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant, and Johnny Gill. Then another thought pops into said head.........What tha? Then the above stated announcer goes on to say that the concert will be at DC's own Constitution Hall. My question to The Summit is how do they plan to pack the house. That is unless they advertise this show as a comedy act. Let's evaluate this show. There is a lot to take into consideration.

The Group- Lets look at the fact that the name of the group sounds like a gospel singing group of 3 big sisters and their instrumentally talented but somewhat smaller 6 brothers from the south side of Detroit or Chicago (whatever tickles your fancy to envision this)! I could imagine this for Ginuwine, little Tevin Campbell, and Tyrese. But come on, New Edition minus BBD! That doesn't even sound right!

Bobby Brown- Reality TV Mega Star, definitely. Musical sensation, not so much! It will be extremely hard for him to pronounce the words to his songs when his mouth is so twisted to the side and rests right beside his ear! Sure he can hear what he's singing, but we won't be able to. But who knows! I just might like to see what Bobby still has in his repertoire of dance moves. And maybe he will bring out his equally talented son Landon (who we all know and love)! Majin Dat! Should be interesting. Maybe Bobby can convince Whitney and Little Bobbi Christina to join in as the family wonder, The Brown 4! Now that's a show.

Ralph Tresvant- Boy wonder, once upon a time. Beautiful falsetto voice, so 1980's! What are we going to get from him! He hasn't been a soprano in about 15 years. I don't know that I can appreciate his vocal stylings as a tenor! As a 40 something, these days he just isn't interesting! Maybe if he grows his 1980's shag back, I might be willing to pay attention.

Johnny Gill- Honey Roasted, Touche'! Beautiful Voice, true! Uses said beautiful voice to the best of his ability, not always! Within 2 minutes of his set, I guarantee he will be screaming like a howler monkey. My ears can't stand the pressure. The only way I might be willing to sit through this is if he brings Eddie Murphy out on the stage and serenades him with an awe inspiring version of My, My, My!

What's wrong with going on the road as New Edition? I know that Ricky Bell, Mike Bivins, and Ronnie Devoe aren't that busy. If it ain't broke don't fix it. The Man who sleeps on the floor, will never fall out the bed.

Cats do not provide Milk, or Wool, or Meat!

2008-09-16T15:43:00.004-04:00

What do we need you for? What can you do? I can type in http://www.youtube.com/ with my pointer finger, my eyes closed, while standing on one foot in 2 seconds! People act so surprised when they are fired. You see it coming. Top 10 signs that you are about to be fired!

10. Milagros the clean up lady ask what your job entails. I know you cant possibly think she wanted to come to the USA to vacuum. She heard that there was going to be a job opening soon, and her immigration papers have just been cleared. Se tu Quiere mujere, she said she blow la la, and she my baby mama!

9. Your best buddy Lo Boogie was fired a week before. Birds of a feather, birds of a feather! In her exit interview Lo couldn't understand why she was being fired, when you are the one who takes a two hour lunch break, came in late, and left early for the past 5 years. She only knew this because you all carpooled!

8. There is some kind of celebration going on and all of the staff heard about it through the company email. All of the staff, but you that is! I know for a fact that you enjoy cake and watered down punch as much, as Dartagnan in research!

7. Someone had the audacity to park in my space. Oh but wait, that looks like Reverdy the volunteers car. I thought he usually used public transportation to get here.

6. Where on earth are all of the HR reps? Hiding from you, that's where. They know that you are about to tear the club up! So they all decided to participate in a departmental retreat at Swampy Fox Forrest. They will see you when they get back, but then again maybe not because you will be fired when they return.

5. Your usual lunch buddies decide to do lunch, without you! You have ordered the #4 from Popeye's every Tuesday since you got here with those Benedict Arnold's. Now all of a sudden they are at Red Lobster and no one even mentioned a cheddar bay biscuit.

4. You are bogged down with assignments. Face it you haven't done anything in years, the least you can do is a days worth of work. Well at least that is how your supervisor sees it. As you are typing your fingers start to hurt. Aha! Well guess what your back is going to hurt because after you've been fired, you will only be eligible for landscaping duty.

3. Your co-worker who is one paycheck away from being homeless, decided to treat you to lunch. You two never at lunch together, mostly because you can't stand to watch he/she eat whatever mayonnaise salad they have. Mayonnaise in the corner's of any mammals mouth is enough to make Biz Markie puke.

2. Your computer system is running super slow. It's not a virus, they're watching you. They know all of the sites you visit including http://www.poontang.net/. And not once did the company site ever show up in your email browser's history. Perhaps you should go look and see that your name has been removed from the staff roster under the contact us section.

1. Raynard the security was eyeballing you all week. After all of the lunch that you brought for his alcoholic a$$ and now he is looking at you like you broke into the CFO's car. Raynard always trusted you with him money to bring him back a bonafide two piece from Popeye's. Now all of a sudden he is asking La'tice, who was born to be a secretary, to bring him back a Pirate's Platter, with extra hush puppies on the side from the Shrimper.

That's Right honey, kick her a$$!

2008-09-15T11:54:00.004-04:00

Tyler Perry is magnifique!

I don’t recall the good book saying that Tyler Perry would take over the Black Movie Market, and kill all other competition except Spike Lee, with the force of Hurricane Ike. Revelations did not say it would be like this. The Shiznit went to see this wickedly cast group of actors perform wonderfully. I must say that Tyler is the first person, to produce a black movie, and cast black people in roles that could’ve been portrayed by black, Nordic, Bangladeshan, or Tokyoan people. The first person who had the nerve to cast Robin Givens (the altruistic American-baptized heifer), as a child of God, and Sanaa Lathan (the All American Omar Epps reject) as the Mega B*tch! And believe me it was refreshing. I will say that Kathy Bates one of the few Nordic people in the movie was my favorite onscreen actor. She was amazing! Alfre Woodard was good, but it’s to be expected. On the flip side I would have preferred for Rockmond Dunbar to not have been such a naive character, nor for TP to have that disturbingly crooked Afro! And must he make us cry every time. It’s nice to just go in and laugh at a movie. But no TP insist that we wail out as if we have just been moved by Sunday morning testimony. However he made up for last years meet the Browns (recipe for disaster), with an excellent story line. Bravo, Clap, Clap!

This movie had me doing all of the things, that I hate about attending a black movie. I was yelling at the screen, sobbing out loud, and laughing uncontrollably. I wish I could expound on this further, but as usual there are those lackluster folks who have not seen it yet. Shame!

Pearl out of an Oyster, or, Marble out of a Dirty Trash Can

2008-09-11T09:46:00.002-04:00

Far too often people are dooped into believing they have found the one. No one wants to take the extended time it takes to do their research!

Scenario 1

I am pretty certain that Whitney Houston thought she had a cultured pearl when she found Bobby Brown, but deep down on the inside he was just a shiny marble out of a dirty trash can. Do you know how many years it took for her to try and dust him off and make him presentable to the American public.

Scenario 2

Circa late 1990's Mme. Editor-in-Chief meets a young curly haired tenderoni. Upon meeting him she was blinded by his talk of internships at a law firm, an upstanding family that is a part of the Pennsylvania Gentry! Never mind that he had on a balled up pair of white K-Swiss (point em out, point em out)! But you know every pearl comes out of a crusty oyster. Needless to say dating him was like wearing a faux fur, not real enough! Fast forward to 2008, Coolie Joe, ain't even a secretary at a law firm, still owns those same pair of white K-Swiss, and has done every menial job on the block.

Scenario 3

Mme. Editor-in-Chief meets a country bumpkin who is in the process of trying to transform himself to a city slicker. He hit me with the okie doke, and gave me the Ralph Tresvant sensitivity BS! I fell for it, but I ran up out of this situation like Lolo Jones! He swore he was fashion guru numero uno because he gets clothes out of the Banana Republic. Nig, "F" yo clothes! You don't know shiz about fashion! As Barack Obama stated the other day "You can put lipstick on a pig, but its still a pig!" And as if the countriness ain't bad enough, he's was and probably still is a mama's boy! Tell mama to go get her a pair of nuts and sit on em! Bitcha$$ne$$ running rampant! To add insult to injury, he tries to play the Mme. Chieftainess! He starts hanging out (on the low of course) with what I believe is a Tranny (unbeknownst to him), who has a donkey grin with dimples. We will just call her Mellow Yellow! Scum! I tossed up the deuces, pulled my pointer finger down, and raised my remaining solo finger in a victorious salute! I'm too smooth to be embarrassed!

Scenario 1 & 2 made me laugh, but scenario 3 let me know that there was an attack of lunacy going around. I am a spy in my own right, I will get to the bottom of a situation! I am doing research till this day! Moral of the story is take time and find your diamond in the rough! Marbles are a game for street urchins! "Slum no more!"

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

2008-09-09T11:40:00.002-04:00

What would you do for that little taste of fame? Would you let all of your bitchassness out the bag, on public television, like Day 26? Would you pretend to be a platinum selling artist (when in reality divided by 5 equals plastic selling artist) like Danity Kane? Would you play the 11th wheel to the collective 10 member Danity 26, like Donnie Klang! Or should I say lie in wait on a show about a BAND, and you are a SOLO artist, like Donnie Klang! Well whenever I watch MTV/Diddy's Making the Band, it always has me pondering "What would you do ooh, ooh, for a Klondike Bar?"

How much longer can they stand to live together? Will they ever have their own homes? I mean in reality this is just another season of the real world, only this time they keep using the same characters, with a few new faces. Not even B2K lived together. Sure they all lived next door to each other in a Nickelodeonesque stage neighborhood, but not in a 3 bedroom loft apartment with eleven people. I know people that barely want to share a room with their grass sandwich mate, let alone 4 other drooling, snoring, band mates. I guess on the flip side, Donnie is the lucky one with his own room. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

How much longer will you go through public humiliation, as though you are pledging Nut Phi Nut? I don't know any other artist who have to practice outside with 100's of people walking by. Most celebs are so famous they can barely walk down the street, let alone dance outside without bodyguards! In other words no-one from this eleven wheel dump truck, Danity 26 Klang, has arrived. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

How much longer can they deal with Laurie Ann Boom Boom Catting them all over the place? Do you think she would talk to Beyonce like that? Do you think she would mind Missy Elliot showing up late? So good people of the Shizfan audience, I ask you again.... "What the H would you do for an MF'ing Klondike Bar?"

El Topoteno!

2008-09-09T11:04:00.007-04:00

Top 10 reasons the Shiznit can't stand Sarah Palin. Ughh! I think I just puked in my mouth! No explanation needed, but I shall go on.

10. The Desperation- When America wanted to make history with a woman, they didn't want just any woman, we wanted Hillary Clinton. And you my be-speckled friend ain't her. Why John McCain, Why? You could have used your P.O.W. baby arm to pick up the phone and call on someone else. Not this nobody from Igloo-town!

9. The Pictures- If I see another photo of her posted up with a moose rifle, I am going to submit her name to the army registration people. If we are so close to victory in Iraq like she claims, let her take her hunting equipment over there and finish this war off. Go on Sarah, bust a move! She need not take another picture until she shreds that PTA gear that she has been wearing. Every suit looks as though it came from JC Penny! No tailoring, just tacky!

8. The Trash Talk- Don't start none, won't be none. I like to think of myself as the anti-fighter, but if you talk about my hero, the people's hero, you got a good old fashioned roundhouse kick to the face coming. I wish she would bring that noise to DC. I can see it now, the King Riots all over again. Martin and Rodney King riots. Just call me Bonita Butrell, "Oh Lord, Bet nobody not talk about Mr. Obama! He a good man, good man!"

7. The Wilderness- I don't know about you but I don't want anybody hanging mooseheads in the White House. It just wouldn't do anything for their interior decorating sexy! And I do mean absolutely nothing. Nor do I want her to pull out a rifle every time congress disagrees with her.

6. The Accent- Just stop and decide whether you can take hearing that voice on your tube for the next four years. I already know I can't. So do the right thing, and save the countries ears from hearing that shrill, annoying, depressing, falsetto of a voice.

5. The Baby-Daddy-in-Law- The Palin's are just going to force this relationship their daughters BD. First we find out she is knocked up, then all of a sudden they want to drop a shotgun wedding on us. Can you imagine the keg beer parties he will be throwing when they are out of town.

4. The Husband- After 20 years, he's still her guy. So! In the words of former house arrest star/rapper T.I. , "Is you happy?" You all have 5 annoying kids, you can't possibly be happy. You have a new baby, and you are old as slave cabins. Where is the happiness in that? Also you live in Alaska, it's not like he has much of a choosing to leave you for. Come to DC (land of the kinky intern), then I will be the judge of, whether or not, Scruffy the gun-toting snowmobiler is still your guy!

3. The Kids- I think we all by this time should have seen Sarah Palin's 5 year old lick her paw and rub down the little baby Palin's head fur. How nasty is that? Where did she learn that from? You guessed it........her nasty a$$ mama, who probably primps her daughters hair by taking a big wet swipe to the hand and patting it down. I bet in Alaska they learned that from a mother bear nesting her cub. That type of behavior is not acceptable in Washington, DC let alone the White House. When she learns to use hair grease instead of formula Saliva as a styling solvent then we can talk. The oldest son, looks as though after its all said and done, he is still going to vote for Barack Obama. And so will her daughters BD, who is there getting his shine on! He put on for his city!

2. The Look- If I didn't know any better I would have sworn that last weeks RNC was just an episode of SNL where Tina Fey was playing the the loser vice presidential candidate. Her resemblance to Ms. Fey is uncanny, yet she doesn't manage to sparkle and shine like the SNL'er! She is more of a Tina Fey librarian, with bad hair, tacky glasses, and ugly suits. Does this donkeyface own one nice dress?

1. The Lack- The lack thereof to be the running mate of a slim, middle aged, fly, smooth, debonair, overdue black man, named Barack Obama, means that you are not eligible to be in the White house. You are on the wrong team. The wrong team, do you hear me. Sarah Palin in an Alaskan Igloo, cool. The White House...mmm....not so much.

Why don't you just stop wasting our time?

2008-09-08T10:45:00.005-04:00

Someone please tell me when will the VMA's come to an end. They haven't been the least bit of good in lets say.......uh........5years! Last night might have been the worst in a long time. There are so many things wrong with what went down last night. However the list won't be long because I only watched about an hours worth of the show, and I can't imagine that it miraculously got better. I will say that Rihanna looked fabulous as usual, Lil Wayne had a good performance, and at some point I curiously clicked back and saw TI and Rihanna.

The Host- I know on season 2 episode 4 of Martin he said "RESPECT THE HOST!" But who is this guy? He shows up off of British Airways out of nowhere. I'd like to think I am pretty much up on my British Star list. And for some reason he ain't showing up in my radar. I do however give him a gold star for sticking it out in those extra sleek, satin Lycra, skinny jeans! I don't care what Dr.'s say, I believe our first male has caught a yeast infection. I still don't know his name or anything. All I know is that his back yard is frizzy, the front yard is oily and stringy, and he hosted the VMA's! I will just call him Edward Scissorhands, that's the only thing that comes to mind.

Now lets take a look at Brittany Spears getting an award. WHAT THE FCUK? I couldn't even keep that to myself. The only video footage I have seen of her in the last two years (including this one) was the 10:00 news. Since when has she pulled a music video out of her back pocket and is now winning an award. Then she hops up on stage only to show us all that she is still "not all here!" Who was that guy with her, clapping it up? Let me guess some leach she met while in rehab???? This must have been how MTV convinced her to show up. Think about it. What other reason would have placed her in the house, with a front row seat at that. Meanwhile Chris Brown (who has hits, and at least 4 video's by the way) is sitting in row FF seat 22! Did you see when he had to run from the back of the room to receive his award? I thought I was watching a recap from the 2008 track and field competition in Beijing. Taking the bronze for the 400 meter dash is Chris Brown. It's officially time to revamp the Civil Rights movement. I predict some shady things in the future for our people. Order our steps lord!

On with the show! Next up I see the Pussy Cat Dolls win an award for best dance video. I ask again, what back pocket did MTV whip this out of because I have never, and I mean never, heard this song, seen this video. Nothing! Also, since when have the Pussy Cat Dolls ever been able to out dance Chris Brown. I would have even given this to Danity Kane! If this is how they plan to cheat Barack Obama at the November elections, let me know now, so I can go the "heck" off.

On with the next order of business. Why have an awards show, if no one is going to perform inside of the auditorium where it is held? For some strange reason the people over at MTV thought it would be grand if the stars would perform outside on a movie set. I sure hope it was cost effective, otherwise they wasted time. The lineup of singers, was just.......... we'll say it weighed heavy on my heart! The one person I didn't mind seeing was Katy Perry and they had the nerve to go to commercial on her. Why is it that new stars can't take to the big stage at MTV. It's like they are going through a hazing phase! 1 year probation, until you get your sophomore CD. Yet they made us sit through torture watching the Jonas Brother's. My problem here is you don't mix Disney Channel with MTV! Who thought this travesty up. No you got their 7 year old fans accidentally watching lil Wayne and other's, when they were only supposed to be watching the goofy a$$ Jonas Brothers. We won't even discuss Miley Cyrus being there. I am still waiting for someone to tell me why she is a star. Also, has MTV ever shown one of her video's on this station (which by the way, it's been a long time since you've heard anyone refer to channels as a station). I suggest Disney Channel come up with their own award show. Then there was Pink who I like, but yet I haven't liked her music. Maybe I would like it if they played it. I haven't seen MTV play a Pink video since the GET THE PARTY STARTED album! So question, why was she there? Is she about to come out with something? Then there was Paramore who I love, but where the "H" was she? She didn't even perform at the studio prop stages like everyone else. She was off in some underworld dungeon, never to return.

If you want to know what happened after this, don't ask me, because I don't know. I told your a$$e$ I only watched an hour. If you saw the rest of this show feel free to share with the rest of us. I ain't watching this shiz no more.

Back Snitches:. Its Top Ten Tuesday

2008-09-02T11:48:00.004-04:00

Top Ten CD’s you should have by now. And no, J*Davey is not on the list. Not really feeling them here at the Shiznit. I am sure they have their place in musical history, just not at the Shiznit.

1. Adele- The British are definitely repping their hood. No more ATL, NY, LA, Chi-town, etc! Londontown stand up! “How dare you think you’d get away with trying to play me!” How could you not love a woman with lyrics like that. Of course, Mark Ronson produces my favorite song on the album, Cold Shoulder!

2. Duffy- This is a sound out of 1960’s that is a wonderful eargasm, to my new millennium ears. Mercy will have you begging for mercy. Whenever I hear this song, I automatically start dancing as if I am auditioning for Hairspray.

3. Solange- I have to be honest in saying, I never thought she would be on the list. But I am loving this CD. I respect that she can do what Kelly Rowland cant’, “Get the hell out of Beyonce’s Shadow!” Different sound, creative producers. I mean does everything Mark Ronson touch, bring you a step away from catching the Holy Ghost. The boy is bad! Cee-lo and Pharrell also lend a hand to this effort. By the way when is Cee-lo working on another album, I’m feenin! Go on girl, put America back on the musical map! Highlights include T.O.N.Y., Would’ve Been the One, and I Decided!

4. Emily King- This is such a relaxing CD. It’s a wonder I can stay awake when I am driving and listening to Ms. King. The resemblance to Lauren Hills sound is uncanny, but there is something different. Come on Lauren don’t let these girls have the stage forever.

5. Estelle- Sheer Magnificence! But I think you already knew that. Her first US effort put American R&B to shame. No wonder Lauren Hill is in hiding, its too much competition coming out of Britania! No need to point out hits on this CD, the whole thing is musically consistent. The lyrics are en pointe, and it naturally does a graceful leap over all the other ugly swans in the lake.

6. Emiliana Torrini- Technically this album isn’t out, but it should be. A refreshing change from the humdrum R&B scene of the United States.

7. Ledisi- I played this cd to the point of no return. I have more scratches on this CD than on my Ray Parker Jr., Ghostbusters Soundtrack CD! That is just how much I have listened, rewound, and sang along with in my best bravado to this CD.

8. Al Green- Could it possibly be that because he recycled old beats from his classic songs to create new ones, that I love this so much. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t think he still had it, but he does. Whatever it is, I likes!

9. Raheem Devaughn- And Mr. Devaughn I have to let you know, you are lucky to be on this list. I am of the firm belief that you talk too much. Sing the damned song! However I love this effort. Customer was the main reason I even considered listening to the rest of this CD.

10. There is no entry for number ten, because I can't think of anyone who is worth putting in this slot. However it called top ten so we can't skip this number. Lets just say Alice Smith for the sake of argument. I like her music a lot. Her personality leaves a lot to be desired. So maybe you should tell us who is worthy of the #10 spot!

Fashion Highlight: Ella Moss

2008-08-06T07:24:00.004-04:00

Now that we have entered the phase of Less is More, I figured now is as best a time as any to highlight Ella Moss. Designer Pamella Protzel, stays busy creating for Ella Moss. Her style can not be described in one word, so just think of it as a cornucopia of collections!

Check out the lovely Ella Moss Black Label Dress above. The dress is very versatile. It can be worn out at an evening function, and if you have been keeping late hours on Saturday and find that its now Sunday, you can even wear it to church. How do you like that? Partying and praising the lord in the same dress. That's almost like having two dresses for the price of 1! This dress is classy and sassy. If you are interested in other pieces from this collection visit the website below:

http://www.ellamoss.com/

Top Ten Tuesday

2008-08-05T14:40:00.005-04:00

Well as some of you know The Shiznit was on vacation in St. Thomas. The decision was unanimous to do a Top 10 that reflected this trip. So here are the Top 10 reasons you should vacation in the U.S. Virgin Islands

10. Rastaman in de mashup- It's always a clear sign that you have arrived in the Caribbean when you see a true rastaman. And no I am not talking about all of these US imitators walking around with dreadlocks. It takes more than that. You have to push around a grocery cart with a machete and other items in it, own a makeshift restaurant (drinks or food, it's your choice).

9. U.S. Territory- For all of you with empty pockets, who can't afford to pay for that passport that you keep hearing about, this is the location for you. If you are that U.S. citizen who hasn't been off the block since you were born, this is your chance to get out and see the world. Just make sure you bring your birth certificate and ID.

8. Family- I know that this doesn't apply to everyone, however it applies to The Shiznit, and this is our blog, so we can do what we want. Believe me you haven't laughed until you sit back with your island family and crack jokes! Now mind you usually you won't get their jokes, but you still laugh all the same. Maybe it's the accent and how they pronounce things. I don't know. Don't shoot the messenger. Then to top it off it's family so you know there will be at least one argument or that awkward moment that leaves everyone speechless. Cousin J was the highlight of this trip. Not only is she a Psalmist at the Presbyterian church, who is saved, but she can't stand her husband and is cheating on him. Praise him, Lord-A-Mercy!

7. Scenery- Photo ops are ridiculous. Lets just say the Shiz came back with over 400 pics. You just want to capture every waking moment. Believe me that's what we did. Its what we do. They don't call Madame-Editor-In-Chief the Paparazzi for nothing.

6. Partying- The party never ends in the Virgin Islands. You can get tired if you want, but the party is going to go on without you.

5. Slang- I don't know about you, but the highlight of my trip is always listening to the different slang. It makes for great comic relief, or it makes you realize just how behind your area might be in the slang department. In the V.I. you could steal a line and take it back home. No one would ever know, and you would get full credit for it.

4. Music- If you are in need of an eargasmic break from the hustle and bustle of your local R&B/Hip Hop Station, I definitely suggest you go here. The radio stations in the Virgin Islands will play a 1981 Maxi Priest album before they would dare play the latest from Weezy. The Calypso, Soca, and Reggae puts you at ease, and in the mood (if you know what I mean). The lyrics will do it to you. My favorite tune while I was there was "4 Men" by Supa G. The chorus is as follows:

"White man pay de bills,

Spanish man build the house,

Chinese man cook de food,

and Black man lay de pipe!"

3. Food- There is no food like Caribbean Cuisine! Its the best, and the Virgin Islands put there own little spin on things. As soon as the Shiznit arrived in St. Thomas we pulled over and got a hot of the press Beef Pate'. I know what your thinking, what is that? I believe on the streets of America we refer to them as Beef Patty's. But this is how the Virgin Islands lets you know that this is the real thing and you are not home anymore. Let your vacation start Meh Son! The fruit is like nothing you have ever seen in a Shoppers Food Warehouse. Genip, Ripe Mangoes, Guava, Banana, etc.

2. Duty Free Shopping- Jewelry, Alcohol, Perfume, and Cigarettes. Who needs clothes when you could by all of the above for next to nothing. You might as well walk down the street nude, smoking a cigarette, smelling good, and sipping on your favorite libation.

1. Beaches- I know a lot of people have never seen clear blue water before, besides at the pool. Well you need to leave that cappuccino lake you call a beach alone and check out real water. If your only experience at the beach is walking on the shoreline of the Anacostia River, believe me your still living in Babylon!

Words of Wisdom

2008-07-21T09:31:00.002-04:00

This is an excerpt taken from allhiphop.com in an interview they had with Buckeey from Flavor of Love Season 2. These girls never cease to amaze me. This statement is actually quite comical.

Former Flavor of Love Season 2 and Charm School standout Buckeey has broken her silence about her leaked sex tape, which was distributed throughout the internet in June. In an exclusive interview, Buckeey, real name Shay Johnson, is steadfast in stating the tape’s distribution was done without her permission, and she had no intention of using it for publicity as some have claimed. “It troubled me to find out my intimate act of love was classified as a sex tape. I didn’t speak on it because I knew how tender the situation was between me and my partner,” Buckeey revealed to AllHipHop.com. “Once you become a personality on television you become the target of haters and I am no different, the release of the tape was done by a hater, stolen by a hater and is just another blatant case of b**chassness.”

What on earth? I would expect this kind of foolishness from Bootz, but come on Buckey. Was this really worth making a statement? And most importantly if its on video its not an intimate act of love. Its low down and dirty grass sandwich making.

The Crying Game

2008-07-19T00:07:00.005-04:00

A friend of The Shiznit told me the other day that we should highlight HIV/AIDS on the site. He was really taken aback by the newest statistics. I on the other hand, was of the mind that it couldn't happen because we are strictly comedy and positivity here at the Shiz. However due to an incident on Friday, I felt that maybe it was in our calling to shed light on this subject. "God is trying to tell you something!" (Color Purple Moment) Sex is a very touchy topic, in which I usually don't like to swim in those waters. Who am I to judge? However when people start getting careless, you have to step up to the plate. I won't throw out any names to protect the innocent and or guilty party. But I will say some people's parents didn't raise them like that!

Despite all of that, I am of the mind that no one on this earth can afford to cheat. Cheating is a thing of the past. Clarification: if you are single and sleeping with more than one person that is sexual cheating (you are endangering people, including yourself, who are unsuspecting). I don't care if you are single, and are getting offers from all the Beyonce's and/or Morris Chestnut's out there. Underneath all that skin we all look like the Crypt Keeper, but weather you can keep that hidden depends on you playing it safe. Claim the life you were born to live and do not settle. Especially if you live in or near the Nations Capitol or another Metropolitan area with high cases of HIV/AIDS, you should already know this. Take control of your yearnings people, that is unless you have a death wish. There are so many people in this city (and others) who are being swallowed alive by all the hype. Sure we have some of the best Sexual Chocolate you have ever seen, but don't be fooled. Everything that glitters ain't gold plated copper! You might think you are biting into a chocolate with nuts and caramel inside, but it might be one of those nasty Cherry Cordials (that I hate by the way). Oh trust and believe you don't want the cherry cordial.

Young people we are not taking this epidemic serious enough. We walk around like we were given a lifetime supply of Viagara, that we have to use before the end of days. If you are going to do it be sure to wrap it up. Try keeping your flock down to one lamb! I know there is that saying that Men aren't meant to be with one woman, but have you met the sicko in the hospital, with a mysterious case of pneumonia that came up with that? Believe me he would love to resend that statement, but he can't talk because of that pneumonia we discussed earlier. Women if you are out there living up to that same mentality as if you are the HBIC, I have a gift certificate for you to seek psychiatric help. We are killing off the human race, one day at a time. I suggest we start giving the gift of life to ourselves and our partners. Be affected!

Back Again

2008-07-17T15:34:00.004-04:00

Lisa Curran is back at it with more lovely looks before summer exits the building. If you think these dresses are beautiful, you will love the fact that they are both on sale at Lisa Curran's website. Now tell me you don't like a sale, and I will introduce you to the person who doesn't like Coming to America. Good luck pulling that off! These pieces are not the only thing on sale on Curran's website, I just happen to love yellow this summer.. There's an array of items that I will be purchasing, so you better hope there is more left when I get through. Enjoy!

Top Ten Tuesday: Sit Down

2008-07-01T10:18:00.001-04:00

There are a lot of semi-stars in Hollywood whose light doesn't shine as bright as they have been mislead think. Just because you get an invite to an Award show, or gain access to your own reality show, it does not make you A-List in the minds of the American Public. Hence the list:

Top 10 C List stars who think they are A List Stars.

How to know if you are a C-list star? Well its really complicated, perhaps not. If no one is interested in you, your C list. Haven't had an acting gig and not by choice, your C-list. If you can't get a date with a regular Joe, your C list. If you are hanging on to the proverbial nuts of an A list star, your C list. I see more light at the end of the Tunnel for Keyshia Coles mother Frankie and her sister Neffy, than any of the folks listed below. Either ya got it or ya don't.

10. Tracy Bingham- OK so she was on Bay Watch, and she has a black version of Pamela Anderson's body, but who the hell cares. Every time I see here I just turn the channel. She looks so old in the face, her body is disproportionate, and that weave. Lord have mercy the weave! The weave is really what took her down. Then to top it off she is about as dumb as an oyster.

9. Kenya Moore- (In my best Dr. Evil Voice) Right!!!!!! There is only room for one Miss America in Hollywood and her first name begins with a V and last name ends with a W. Doesn't sound like the answer will be Kenya Moore. She is holding on

8. Aaron and Nick Carter- These brother's are the lamest. One dated Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff, while the other was a member of eons ago chart topping boy band Backstreet Boys. Yet neither of these blond b*tches could find super stardom in their twisted life. Aaron had the nerve to try a singing career with a song where he was rapping with a fake Jamaican accent. Then in the song he called himself a Dondada. What! That's as retarded as Heidi going back to Spencer on MTV's The Hills. Nick on the other hand is an alcoholic plain and simple. My theory is once trailer trash always trailer trash. Maybe they could publish a recipe book of Trailer Trash Recipes. Mayonnaise sandwiches anyone?

7. Nick Cannon- He could have married Beyonce and he still would be one of the biggest pickle head C Lister in the industry. I am convinced that there is nothing that can be done to up his status. Now mind you he has definitely done B List work, yet his persona can't catch up with his talent or lack there of. I loved drumline just as much as the next man, but lets face it we just don't like him. I try, but......I can't! Then there was that time he dumped Christina Milian like he was above her. In my opinion he was never worthy of a good clean disney channel girl like herself. Always running around proposing to people. He must have an endorsement from the Cubic Zirconia East Indies Company. How Mariah could stoop so low is beyond me. All I can say is she picked up where Whitney left off.

6. Christina Milian- I didnt want to put her on this list because she is from the DMV. However I had to do it. I had hoped that she would have graduated out of this spectrum, but instead the Hollywood Monopoly game would not allow her to pass go! She tried everything possible to assure herself a slot in the A list crowd. It just couldnt be done. She's cute, but as entertaining as a pet rock.

5. Corey Clark- Most of the contestants of American Idol could go on this list, but there just isnt enough room. I don't know how he came in so low on the list. He really should have won the coveted number one spot. He was doomed to be on this list from the moment he stepped on American Idol. First and foremost everyone is nut cut out for cornrows. Second why is he still wearing cornrows. Third don't try to tarnish the image of Paula Abdul (that was done years ago, its too late). Last but not least, you are an American Idol reject. Fake ass Maxwell. The voice was never there. I don't know what extraterrestrial being was calling in and voting for him. All I know is there couldn't have been a human with good hearing calling in to keep him on the show. I just know it. Then to hold on to his 15 minutes with a death defying Kung Fu grip he attempts to write a tell all book. The only thing is no publishing company would pick it up. When you can't sell gossip, you are an F Lister and your career is null and void. He might as well go and work for the trash and sanitation because that's about how much the world cares about him.

4. Janice Combs- Puffy's Mama is in denial. Just because you dress like an 80 year old Lil Kim does not mean you have star potential. Most mama's try to take on the classy role when their child fall's into the big time. Oh no not this hood rat. She stuck to her ghetto roots. Blond hair (very reminiscent of a Shih-tzu), too small clothes, and multicolored contacts. Recipe for disaster!

3. Ray J- It would have been so easy to put him in the number one spot, but its too predictable. Not to mention he has a semi-hit on his hand. Lets see if he can follow it up. NOT! No matter how you look at it he is still just Brandy's brother. Its a sad fate that many of Hollywood siblings face. However I feel no pity for him because its his own fault that he is a C Lister. He tries to hard. Either you got it or you don't. And I'm no Norwood family hater, because I honestly love Brandy (although as Moesha I wanted to punch her in the shoulder).

2. Marques Houston- Sure he was at the top of his game back when he was 10, but its a new day. The only thing people know him for is that big light bulb head and horrible fashion sense. Oh and lest we forget he is Omarion's big "Play" brother. Thank goodness for O, or else he wouldn't have his C list status. Quite frankly O is hanging on to his A list status by the skin of his teeth. Right now he is about an A- borderline B! So Marques if I were you I would get up with Aaron Hall and invest in a line caps for big headed people. There may be light and money at the end of the tunnel for you, with yo big head self!

1. Laurie Anne Gibson- This is definitely a train wreck waiting to happen. Although I have to give her props for standing up to his royal highness, Diddy! Lord knows we have all wanted to tell him off. However she ain't the only choreographer in the game as she would like to think. That slot has already been filled by Fatima Robinson, who stole it from Rosie Perez! Anywho, with a voice as irritating as that she will never see the light of day of an A List star. Shut up and go dance.

Fashion Highlight: Lisa Curran

2008-06-30T16:36:00.005-04:00

Are you tired of squeezing into a 5 year old swimsuit, are you sick of looking like last year's beach fashionista at this years beach, or are you simply trying to bring something new and exciting into your ancient and depressing beach repertoire? Well I have the perfect line of swimwear for you in the form of Lisa Curran! Summer is here and believe me, you definitely want to preserve your beach sexy. So why not choose the perfect swim wear courtesy of Lisa Curran! I urge you to check out Curran's line of fabulous bathing suits and cover-ups. Remember that name, Lisa Curran, because your going to need it this summer, next summer, and every summer after that!

Lisa Curran offers pieces in an array of colors and patterns, and for every body type! Not only does she have Bikini's for the Beachy Keen Fashionista's, but she also has whole pieces for those with a little more bounce to the ounce or those that are scared to show a little skin. No Child left Behind!

If simple elegance is what you crave I urge you to invest in a Lisa Curran swimsuit . If you don't believe me ask the folks over at InStyle Magazine who highlighted the the swimwear in their April 08 issue. Or you can simply purchase one of their lovely pieces. That should make a believer out of you.

Highlights from the collection include:

The Lucite Halter and the Cotton Crochet Tank which are pictured above.

WHERE TO FIND THEM: Barneys, Saks Fifth Avenue, and specialty boutiques

For more information or to get a larger view of the above pieces, visit the website to confirm what I have already shared with you: http://www.lisacurranswim.com/

Top Ten Tuesday

2008-06-24T22:10:00.000-04:00

Top 10 Artist I wish would like to see at tonight's BET Awards! Some artist have been missing in action for the longest time. Or maybe I just miss them, but who doesnt love a reunion? Make sure you check back in tomorrow for full coverage of the show.

10. The Boys or ABC- I'm not sure I want this so much as for the music or just to see what they are looking like. Maybe they could come back with a Dial My Heart 2008 or Coolin at the Playground 08'! I just need to know what a 28 year old Red looks like, or even a 30 year old Ro-Ro. I know they have those moves in their repertoire. I just know it.

9. Al B. Sure- With all the musicians in the industry imitating Prince's high pitched falsetto, I am sure we can squeeze in a slot for Al B. Long before Usher found his upper register, and the Dream came on the scene, there was Al B. Sure. Just think about it, wouldn't it be interesting to watch him run into Kim Porter and Diddy on the red carpet. And if they serve him with child support papers, man that would be the best BET show ever.

8. Guy- Teddy, Aaron, and Damion, would kill all of these imitators. I'm just dying to know if Aaron Hall still has those chops. And I need Teddy Riley to remind T-Pain who the real synthesizer star is. Roger Troutman is no longer with us so he can't do it, but Teddy needs to give it to T-Pain. And Damian Hall can show all these unappreciative band mates how to just play their role in the background. This brother never complained about not receiving a lead role. He was content with dancing his a$$ off (in the back of course)and being a member of Guy. True showmanship!

7. Sisco- How dare the American public get upset with him for having a hit. I mean its not his fault the Thong Song took off. I want him back just the way he left, golden tresses and all. Maybe he can do a little spin and flip across the stage. He is more than welcome to invite Dru Hill along if he wants.

6. The Deele- This group brought about one of the hottest producer duo's (LA & Babyface). I just don't think its fair that the other guys didn't get a fair Deele (get it)! Well anywho if we can gather up Babyface, LA, and the rest of the gang this would make for an interesting BET awards. Catch is they must where those Prince and the Revolution outfits they loved so much and the Jheri Curl/Perms, all while singing Shoot Em Up Movies! Oh and don't forget the eyeliner.

5. Dangelo- I never saw this brother falling off. As a matter of fact I am still wondering why he is on this list. I just wonder if he were to be invited to the show, would he still have cornrows. If so I need to update yesterday's list.

4. Tevin Campbell- As a young protegee of Quincy Jones, falling off should not be in your vocabulary. I know his fresh soprano voice has been replaced by a rusty alto, but give the brother a chance. He deserves at least to present an award tonight.

3. Patra- You know the music industry has the shadiest relationship with reggae artist. One year we are loving reggae the next we are tired of them. It ain't right. The Queen of the pack introduced us to such wonderful dances as the butterfly and the pepperseed. And had me doing said dances for the better part of 2 years. I usually retire a dance after 6 months to a year. If she shows up tonight I might rekindle my dance relationship with the butterfly.

2. Jodeci- These brothers showed up one year and I ha vent seen them since. I was hoping they could return in a singing capacity. I know that K-Ci and JoJo have a little bit of voice left to pull this off. I'm certain of it and they have so much showmanship. Maybe they could bring that big body guard and let K-Ci piggy back ride around the arena. They invented the ad lib, and didn't get credit! I mean where do you think Ooh Yeah, came from! K-Ci damnit. Dalvin and DeVante could just stand around like they did before. I don't know that they would provide much of the beauty aspect as they did in the past. The last time I saw them they had on platform tennis shoes and Merlot colored leather outfits, Devante had jheri perm. However, a professional stylist could restore them to what they once were.

1. Bobby Brown- Either as a fill in with new edition or as a solo artist, Bobby has to come back. I miss he and Whitney on the red carpet. They were like the Cephas and Reesie of any award show. He has child support to fulfil and he can only do this if he is working. This brother is the real life Eddie Kane, Jr. without the stellar voice, but none the less a similar story. He has one hell of a karate kick move that he can still execute on the stage, and it shouldn't go unnoticed.

Grow Up

2008-06-13T12:02:00.007-04:00

There comes a point when its time to let go of cornrows. It is my personal opinion that no man should have them anymore. Just imagine my disgust every time I revert back to that R. Kelly video when you could see his cornrows with nappy a$$ baby hair surrounding it. When you go to court and the artist has to draw you with cornrows, its not a good look. Not only is this laughable piece of art shown on every news station across the nation. It makes it real hard for the jury to find you not guilty (unless you are R. Kelly, but that's another can of worms for another day). In about two more years the same will apply to locks (because the integrity has been taken from this style).

How do you know when its time to give them up?

When you enter the work force its time to let it go. There is nothing worse than a brother sporting Thug business casual. This look has never been in style. As a matter of fact this look never made it to the red carpet, well I take that back, but still wrong none the less. It makes you look like you work for Cutco Industries, selling knives door to door.

If you never get any hang time, let it go. You were not among the follicular blessed. If your stylist Ja-Rule's you then its time to let her go. Now think about the statement I just made. There are key words to let you know its time for a change. Stylist- No man should be going to a stylist. Real men go to Barbers and if its your barber that is braiding your hair.......Say no more. That's a conversation for a whole different day and time, Sweetness. On to the next keyword Ja-Rule you! I know you are saying what does it mean to be Ja-Ruled. Its when your cornrows are so short they stop just above your neck line, think back to Ja-Rule at the height of his career. No one wants to be Ja-Ruled. Its so embarrassing. And believe me some people will never make it beyond that point. I vote that you just run and turn on the first pair of clippers you can find and mow it down.

You are over 25, let it go. I am sure your love life is not going right and its because of those damned braids that you insist on holding on to. Your to old to have a security blanket, cut that mess off. Not that those who are 24 and under don't have to get rid of this look, but at 25 you should know better.

The color gray and cornrows never looked good together. And believe me this applies for men and women. I have seen plenty of grandmothers with silver rows and a Kente Cloth outfit. Its a travesty. But on a grown man its even worse. When you have gray hair, you have entered into your golden years. It should be a celebratory time. But who can celebrate when you are damned near about to blind everybody with those Brillo pad cornrows.

Picture it: You walk up on a brother from behind with a head full of braids. He turns around and you cant see where the braids begin. Its definitely time to let it go. There is nothing attractive about receding cornrows. You can't be Chris Weber and Allen Iverson at the same time. Pick one, and believe me if your receding, the Chris Weber look wins hands down.

People who have to be cited (hope your not on it).
R. Kelly- He should have dropped these the moment he was accused of pissing on people. The look didnt do anything for his court sexy.

Brian (from Day 26)- If you are going to be in a fake new edition at least look the part. I'm guessing his character is the Ricky Bell of the group. You don't see Ricky Bell walking around with cornrows (well you don't even see him walking around doing anything, but once again another topic for a different day).

Omarion- Okay O! Enough is enough. We let you slide by for years with those baby hair tresses. You short and gaining weight. No one likes to see a short chunky guy with braids. Just doesn't look right. Kinda like Kelly Rowland as a solo artist. Not a good idea.

Swing Low Sweet Chariot!

2008-06-10T10:15:00.003-04:00

I know that it’s Tuesday and I didn’t post anything yesterday, but it was too hot outside to think! So today is Top 10 Tuesday and the list will reflect on why its time for summer to be over.

10. Fall, Winter, and Spring - Any season is better than summer. You see more smiles during these seasons. I think summer is when people are diagnosed as depressed, bi-polar, and crazy! So if your honeydip is admitted to the local insane asylum, don't worry they will be out as soon as Fall comes. They didn't know how to control their temper in the summer sun. Its too hot to be nice.

9. Schools out- I cant stand when kids get out of school. They are loud, in the way, and not in summer camp where they need to be. No their parents let them run wild, and annoy the rest of the world.

8. Gas- Its ridiculous when you cant afford to drive your car out of your driveway to visit your neighbor across the street. All road trips are out for the summer. I hope I have 3 months of leave at work because I cant afford to go there either.

7. Shrimp and Biscuits- Time and time again, summer after summer, I have had to watch women of all persuasions serve up a platter of shrimp and biscuits. And no I am not talking about a meal from Popeye’s. I am talking about the women who have toes hanging over the front of their sandals (shrimp) and the back of their heel hanging over the back of the sandal (biscuits). Your toes really should not be massaging the sidewalk.

6. Kells- If we can get past the summer, the whole R. Kelly shenanigans will be over. I can’t take this circus another minute. It has taken 8 whole years for the R. Kelly trial to come into place. Why are we even having a trial now? The girl is an adult, she liked it, and I can’t wait for Trapped in the Closet parts 77-99 to come out. So let’s leave Kells alone. Let him move to Dubai with Michael Jackson and everything will be alright.

5.TV- This is the time of year when all shows are on repeat or their are new shows that just make you want to give up your wonderful life and join the army. If you need an example, between MTV and VH1 there will definitely be a Top Model marathon. Then to make a mockery they have the nerve to show the other Top Model shows from around the world. I don't think anyone is interested in Myanmar's Next Top Model. BET will do its usual and make up a show with absolutely no stars and a $10 budget (i.e. the boot). Where do they get these fledgling actors?

4. Summertime- I don't know why radio DJ's think they are getting you hyped by playing Will Smith's Summertime. I haven't liked this song since the year after its release. Please stop! Quite frankly I don't want to hear anything by Will Smith.

3. Humidity- Humidity is the biggest enemy of the black woman. When the lord was dishing out textures of hair, why didn’t he make ours humidity resistant? I am tired of going on vacation in the summer, only to have my digital photos comeback displaying an image of me with poodle hair. Just think about the selfishness from on high! European women don’t have this problem, Asian women don’t have this problem, South American Women don’t have this problem, and Native American women don’t have this problem. Jesus take the wheel! Maybe next lifetime I could be from Bucharest or something.

2. Sunburn- This is worse than too much bronzer. Against your will your face is burned beyond recognition. People may not tell you, but they are definitely laughing on the inside. Some of you mistake this as a sun tan. No, no, no! If you go to the beach looking like El Debarge and you come back looking like T-Pain, you have sunburn.

1. The Beach- There are so many crimes at the beach, where do I begin? The white guy with the sunblock on his nose. I never understood this because why cant you find a transparent sunblock, and why is it only on your nose. You look like a clown surfer dude! Speedo's should not be worn by any man on any continent. I don't care that you are from Brazil, you speak fluent Portuguese, and sip on Caipirinha's. No one wants to see your funky junk stuffed into a pouch of spandex. Just buy a pair of trunks and let your pork sword relax! There's also that sister at the beach who has no business in a bikini. Its bad enough she shouldn't be seen in a whole piece bathing suit, but no she has to skip the middle man and go straight for the kill. The cellulite, the carpet coming out of the side of the bikini, and the fatback (literally a fat back). Ugh! The sports fanatics who decide its a good idea to play volleyball where you are relaxing and taking in the sun. If you can get past the fact that you will be hit by the volleyball at least twice then you will be fine.

So Slick and Moist

2008-06-04T10:42:00.002-04:00

I have to say I don't think I know anyone who loves an S-Curl more than Diddy. Today I will take a look at his long history with S-Curls. Every man who walks through the door of bad boy has been blessed with an S-Curl courtesy of Diddy, unless they are follicular challenged. Now before we get into Diddy, lets examine the S-Curl and what its all about.

Definition:

S-Curl- 1. a signature trademark style for Luster Products, which designed to slightly straighten the natural hair texture of a man of African descent, so that natural wave and curl patterns are looser and more prominent. 2. Too relieve ones head of naps! 3. A form of revolutionary task in which you take a stand against the light skinned brothers.

OK I know what you are thinking, "What is the difference between this and a Jheri Curl!" Well that's just it, there isn't a difference, but don't tell Diddy I said it. I mean the hair is neatly cropped into a cut, but its still a curl. I mean just think if his current artist knew that they were walking around with new day Jheri Curls, they would break their contracts with the quickness. Wouldn't you!

History:

Diddy has a long history with the S-Curls. It goes all the way back to his non-graduating days at Howard University (HU). When he made the change from Rags to Riches he brought the S-Curl with him. Changing the heads of black male artist in the industry. Diddy even has his sons Justin and Christian running round dripping wet with curl juice at the beach. What's good enough for Mr. Combs head is definitely good enough for the fam. Below I have created a list of artist who Diddy blessed with an S-Curl.

The Artist:

Jodeci- Well not the entire band (just K-Ci, Dalvin and DeVante). Jo Jo never quite had success in the hair department.

B5- I know what you are thinking, these little guys already were born with built in S-Curls. However Puff has managed to create and S-Curlesque look with Hair Gel.

Carl Thomas- He thought he was fooling us by not putting in as much activator as the others. "Nah N*gga, you ain't slick!" I recognize a natural when I see it, and you my dear man, are an impostor.

Usher- Although not signed to Bad Boy he was definitely groomed by Diddy. Also I know you don't think that kinky fade, grew into an extra straight, but wavy Caesar!

Loon- He had such a dry career, and ashy Malik Yoba-esque lips, so he needed a little moisture in his life. Hence, Puff introduced him to the S-Curl. Much to his credit though he kept it extra low to maintain his hoodness!

Mase- Just because you keep it cut extra close doesn't mean it don't exist. Thought you had us fooled didn't you Minister Mase. The lord hath blessed you too with a curl! Not even a doo-rag can accomplish the waves that were flowing across that big submarine head of his.

Day 26- My favorite S-Curl victims are Robert and Big Mike (who also has a stellar pair of Hazel Contacts, but that's a subject for a different day). Robert, Robert, Robert! That apple shaped hair cut that they gave him, wasn't enough to bring this brother down. No they had to throw salt on the wounds and give him an S-Curl. Every time I saw him I broke out into a thunderous roar of laughter. Actually the first time they showed his new bad boy look, I laughed harder than ever. I am still trying to chase that high.

I am now of the firm belief that Sean Combs invented not just the remix, but the Jheri Curl, S-Curl, Leisure Curl, and Wave Nuveau. He is indeed a man of many talents.

Top Diez Martes

2008-06-03T10:05:00.007-04:00

Well sorry for the hiatus, but I am indeed back! And what do you know my return falls on a top 10 Tuesday. So last week I went to my cousin's graduation and thought that I would come up with a top 10 list of reasons why Graduations are fun. I know you are sitting around with that look of confusion saying huh! Believe I once hated graduations too, that is until they started taking place at entertainment arena's and serving food and beverage. So here is my list.

10. The Choir- Who needs Kirk Franklin and his family when you got the high school mass choir. The lead singer is always the big girl who can blow, and just so happens to be a graduate. So she stands out amongst the choir robes in a Graduation costume. Big Shaquan is singing her heart out when you feel a little mist on your face, then full out white water rapids. These tears are because you ain't been to chuchhhhhh in about 5 years and haven't had an emotional moment in so long. So after you finish feeling like an idiot for approximately one minute the song is about to close.

9. The Cook out- After every great graduation there is a meal to follow. Its a guarantee! You can consider this your first hot dog of the summer. And everybody likes the first hot dog of the summer even if they don't eat them the rest of the year. This is also the time when Aunt Sweet Pea breaks out her world class potato salad. Everyone loves it because its YELLOW and not WHITE like the grocery store (or like white people's potato salad). Uncle Lester has concocted his special blend of ice tea, that has an array of flavors (tea, citrus, vodka, rum, cognac) combined all in one jug. Uncle Les is a miracle worker. Big Mama is on the side complaining about how she is tired of cooking, although she hasn't cooked a damn thing since Man Man's graduation from job corp in 95'.

8. The Natty Dreads- As of 1997 all public schools mandated a charter that states: At least 45% of each graduating class will consist of a distinguished group of kids with locks. I just get a thrill out of putting a star next to the names in the graduation program of each child with a head full of locks. Just making sure the school has fulfilled their quota.

7. The Cool Kids vs. the Nerds- I love when the most popular kid in the school crosses the stage with the sound effects of thunderous applause, screaming groupies, and pride. However it never fails that he will be followed by that unknown soldier. Said soldier walks across the stage and there is complete and utter silence, because no one in the class knows him/her, and their family acts like they don't know them either. This proves my theory that No child left behind doesn't work.

6. The Valedictorian- I love this because graduation is the time when you realize the Valedictorian is not as smart as they seem. Or at least this is the case at public schools. You sit there and you wonder why the Salutatorian wasn't the Valedictorian and vice versa. You listen and you begin to think what was the criteria for this great honor.

5. Class Clown- What I love about the class clown is that he has been cutting up for four years, has committed himself to bringing laughter and sunshine to the lives of the student body, and usually cant stand the principal. Being that he can't stand the principal you know he is going to find a way to embarrass her when he gets his moment to shine on the stage. So Class Clown emerges onto the stage, Principal Johnson hands him his Diploma, shakes his hand, turns around to pose for the camera when........Silly Sam has hauled off and pushed her off the stage. Her faux doctorate style robe is up above her head and Sam has a solo picture with his thumbs up.

4. Guest Speaker- The guest speakers have become Stand up comics over night. They have some of the best jokes not yet seen on Comic View. Who knew you could mix Comedy and Education? Well maybe the class clown might have known, but we sure have come a long way from hearing "Walk the Walk", "Hold your head high", and "Choose your friends wisely". Now the Guest Speaker always insist on using the current slang of the day in an attempt to prove that his down and definitely bout it, bout it!

3. Grandma- It never fails someones granny who has the worst case of Arthritis is always in attendance. Holding up the flow of graduation traffic by walking with her one good foot, she takes her time stepping down each step (with the precision of a 6 month old taking its first step). Get it girl. And I dare you try to walk around her while she is toting her hand made cane. Go ahead I dare ya.

2. The Fans- Tay Tay N' Dem! That group of embarrassing cousins, aunts, and underage parents are always destined to show up and act like Macaque's freed from the National Zoo. It never fails. They are just screaming through the whole program. In the beginning you look at them with disgust because you can't hear the salutatorian rambling on about nothing familiar to the audience. However it becomes comical when you realize that they don't know any better because they have never been out of their neighborhood. So this graduation is really like getting a free ticket to a Janet Jackson Concert.

1. The Names- This is when you see how creative, innovative Black folks really are. They take names and make a creation that is just a symphony of syllables. A couple of my favorites this year were: Jas'Maine, Quallicia, Shaniqua ( I didn't know people were still using this one, I thought it faded out with the 80's crack game), Taezhon, and Charlester ( I know seems too good to be true, but its real).

Good Music

2008-05-21T09:07:00.002-04:00

When is the last time you purchased a good CD? I mean think about it. Was it Who is Jill Scott? Over the last 5+ years we have been in a musical drought. The Good music is few and far between, with acts such as Kindred, Ledisi, Emily King, etc. 2007 brought in a year of good music for the British (i.e. Mark Ronson, Lily Allen, Amy Winehouse, Corinne Bailey Ray, James Morrison, etc.) But in America is anyone besides Kanye, Lupe, and Jigga going to make a masterpiece. In 2007 I purchased the only American artist to have a complete masterpiece, Chrisette Michelle and Alice Smith. Thank goodness for them, however I met Alice and she wasn't friendly. I started to Frisbee her CD back at her, but that's a different can of worms. I cant even say that my favorite singer in the industry, Mary J. Blige, had a good CD. Mary J, is probably the most consistent R&B artist in the industry but her latest CD was a disappointment! People kept telling me this CD is almost like My Life. My guess is those people got bonus tracks because I didn't hear anything as remotely good as the My Life album on this CD. Or maybe they should remove the tootsie roll from their ears. Its more like the Love and Life album, which was still better than the current one. And it has nothing to do with her new happy tunes, because I loved The Breakthrough, for your information! But I digress. Still love Mary! Don't even get me started on Erykah Badu. I will just say there is more in her vegetable juice than veggies.

The other day I purchased Estelle and this was a breath of fresh air because the CD is just phenomenal, but brings me back to point "A" all the good music these days is coming from Londontown. Estelle is a combo of Lauren Hill, Floetry, and Lily Allen. Its definitely the musical eargasm that I have been longing for. If you want to hear good music check out the following people:

Estelle

Joy Denalane

Emily King

Gnarls Barkley

Ledisi

Ayo

Anthony David

Top Ten Tuesday

2008-05-20T10:45:00.003-04:00

Top 10 Sayings that should have been retired as of 01/01/08. Some of them should have been retired before then, but I digress. There are signs to let you know when a quotes time is up. Such as other racial groups using the terms (i.e. Paris Hilton, That's Hot!), a quote expires in a year to a year 1/2, and when the brother who is still rocking the kid n' play high top starts using the quote its time for it to die.

10. Off the hook- Whether you say Off the Hook, Heezy, Chain, Wall, Meat Rack, etc. Its officially time to let it go. As a matter of fact that should have been retired 01/01/06. The variations of the saying is what did me in. Its gone on for far too long. I think I first heard this saying in 1997 as a freshman in college, when we retired "Tight" as a reference to something amazing.

9 . I's married now!- I know what your thinking who says this. Well if you have been to a black wedding over the last 10 years you know that black women across America think this is so hilarious to say after they are married. Thank Sophia (Oprah Winfrey) from the Color Purple. Black people love to quote this movie, myself included. However they have worn out this particular line. Let's move on and wear out another saying from this movie. I vote for "J-A-R, jar!" or "Did I ever ask you for anything, did I ever ask you for anything. I never asked you for anything not even your sorry a$$ hand in marriage." Be sure to save the last one for your divorce, it will be classic in the court room, and might save you some alimony money. You might have to pay court cost for cussing but it will feel good.

8 . That's what's up!- No, actually, its not what's up! I'll tell you what's up, me kicking a cleft into your chin the next time you say it. I dare ya!

7 . Chillaxin- Every time here someone ask What's up! and the response is "Chillaxin" I puke. What peni$ breath came up with this? It wasn't funny or cool the first time I heard it and look 2 years later I am still frowning every time I hear it. I don't know why we like to combine words to make new ones.

6 . Grown and Sexy- Every party, club, flier, bar mitzvah, cookout, office meeting, and divorce proceeding, has been labeled grown and sexy.

5 . Ladies report to the dance floor- This saying really only applies to Diddy, all Bad Boy Artist, and Usher. What's bad about this saying is it has trickled down to DJ's who love saying this. Do you really think this is going to convince people to dance? Every time I hear this I report to the exit.

4 . It is what it is- This quote probably carried the longest time span, because I know people's grandparents who have used this term before.

3 . That's Hot- Paris Hilton killed this saying approximately 5 years ago. And its now Frozen, thanks a lot. Oh and if you say Hotness, that is just a variation of That's Hot, so let it go.

2 . Keep it real- Whether you are keeping it real, kept it real, will continue to keep it real. All I ask is that you stop, maybe even keep it fake sometimes. But whatever you do don't keep it real. This one was ruined by Miss Cleo. The first time she used it in one of her infamous commercials, I fell out of my chair and had a seizure. It just doesn't sound legitimate once its said with an Island accent. "Keep it real, brethren!" See what I mean.

1. I'ma make it do what it do!- I cant tell you what this saying does to my ears. Its kind of like hearing K-Ci and Jo-Jo live in concert. Disaster!! This should have been retired once Jamie "Ray Charles" Foxx got his Oscar. It hasn't been funny since. On top of all that it makes the person saying it look stupid and lame.

Top Ten Tuesday: Flavor Flaaaaaaaaav!!!!

2008-05-13T09:45:00.008-04:00

Today's top ten are reasons why it's time to stop watching Flavor of Love. I don't know about you, but this is an embarrassment to me. Aint a damn thing funny about this show. First I must say I blame BET for setting the coonery standard with those damned music videos. Second I blame Viacom for passing the tradition on to MTV and VH1. Finally I blame Chuck D. for not containing this fool. You brought that moon cricket into our world, now take him out. Reasons.... the reasons that were hear!

10. The Bad Acting- The tears, the fights, and the WIGGERS (no explanation needed, Buckwild). If one more nut case proclaims her love for Flav I am going to scream. I can't......I just can't! That face can only be loved by one woman, his Mama!

9. The Coonery-Wowwwwwwwww!!!! This has to be the most ignorant show on TV. Its definitely leading the pack of ignorant shows. This brother who once spoke of black power and respect, is now jigging around in black face (sans the makeup)! Its embarrassing. Pouring champagne out on your rug. I wouldn't even suggest doing that on your lawn let alone in doors on your purple rug. Him kissing the deuces like its 1987. Who does that? The worst moment was a couple of years back when that girl sharted on herself! Just nasty. Ughh! The sistah's are always fighting and getting in each other's face.

8. The Clocks- What is his reasoning for this again? Has he ever stopped and wondered why the rest of the world wears watches? And they are the ugliest clocks at that. Not that a cute clock would do any justice hanging around his neck.

7. Flav's Outfits- The All Red, the all Blue, the all Pink. All of any one color on this man is a travesty. The all Pink really does me in, as if all pink on a man isn't enough, they put it on Flav. Then he has the nerve to accent this outfit with pink slippers. What the "F"? Lets get this brother some browns and beige's to bring out his, dare I say it, outer beauty! Hold on I'm about to puke..............

OK, post puke. I'm Back! Shall we continue?

6. The Girls- There are two groups of girls that are on the show tack heads, and the tack head ho's! And I know some of you fans are saying, well so and so wasn't that bad. Yes she was! They are all hot messes for going on the show. They are all on there for telly time, we know this. However, tell me one person on the show who you think is going to be a star. ??????!!!!!!.......still waiting.

5. Big Rick- What is this big pootie sticks purpose? He just stands there like a big pile O' sh*t with glasses!

4. The Tacky Mansion- Who decorates this cardboard mansion? Sister Patterson?????? The wall paper is the tackiest I have ever seen. And you know they are using the same mansion for all of the VH1 reality love shows. They just change the wall paper when the next show is up. The walls have been everything from leopard print, to Louis Vuitton. Then what mansion doesn't have enough rooms to sleep all the girls solo. What's up with the twin beds in all the rooms? That looks like a single family home to me. Why don't they just get bunk beds.

3. Motivation for other Shows- If you need an example, I love New York, Rock of Love, and Tila Tequila's Shot at Love are a few that come to mind. Anyway who is the genius behind the names of these shows. Further more I don't think I could stand to look at New York's boobs/eyelashes/eye make-up, Bret's Wig/Scarf/Cowboy Hat, or Tila's little light bulb head another minute.

2. Season 4- If we keep watching this coonery, there will be a season 4. It's not their people looking bad. They might be able to use this to justify the return of slavery! Watch your backs, black people! If we are picking cotton or tobacco next week, we know who to blame. Flav and his harem of women! In particular New York, Saaphyri, and the Twins (thing 1 & thing 2)

1. Flav- How does this moon cricket continue to do it? The Sunglasses, the cornrows, the gold fronts, the liger cape (lion mixed with tiger, they really do exist)! Then he has the nerve to be choosy! N*gga please! Always wanting a kiss, ughhh! "Kiss ya man!" Time for another puke break. You get the point. Stop watching this crap.

Bow down Biatch!

2008-05-07T09:45:00.002-04:00

Ok don't you think its time for Hills to bow down! Gracefully. Barack kung-fu'd her a$$ in NC! She is really trying to ride this thing out til the end! Why can't she let Barack shine, if not for himself, for his people. Now don't get me wrong if there is a sudden Series of Unfortunate Events (i.e. a Barack sex tape, a "the b*tch set me up moment, or an attack of lunacy) then I will support Hills! But since none of the above have come to fruition, I want her to do one thing! Bow down Biatch, and kiss Baracks converse. Its just like in the old days, they dont want us to have nothing! I mean black people need Barack to even the playing field. Well I take that back, I dont know if him being El Presidente will even the playing field. However I do think it will give black people across the country the same feeling that we DC natives have. Which is, WE RUN THIS B*TCH! We outnumber all the other races in our locale, so we dont have to put up with their bs as the rest of the country does! I wish a gang member would roll up on Man Man from the fiff flo' while he is chillin in front of his stablishment'! Or some trailer trash would look down their nose at us. You'll get your little pale a$$ tossed up!

Hands down it is definitely time for a change. And if one more person (who is not black) ask me if I am voting for Barack because he is black I am going to go off. What do you want me to say, because I am going to tell you the same thing I told all the other's Uhhhhhhh......... Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh! That is what you guys did for the last 43 retards that you elected. Why should I play fair? The only way I would have been confused about my vote is if Hillary was a Native American name Grazing Moose! And I know what some of you are saying "I have seen pics over the internet of Hillary and Mme. Editor in Chief". I say to you in my best cheating boyfriend who's been caught voice "Why you got to bring up the past?"

Anywho, Barack for president!

SEIS DE MAYO:Top Ten

2008-05-06T09:16:00.003-04:00

Top 10 things you should have done yesterday for Cinco de Mayo! This is all in fun, in a Don Imus kind of way, so don't take it personal! If you do, I will just bring up slavery and that will be the end of the discussion. Well at least that has been my experience.

10. Tell your Guatemalan clean up crew, in your best Spanish accent, Feliz Cinco de Mayo! The confused look on their faces should have been classic. Aye Yi Yi!

9. Take a 5 hour lunch break. You have to factor in that you get an hour for lunch, and because its a holiday with drinks you get an extra hour, and to respect that this is a holiday for a certain Hispanic group you have to respect the siesta. You are going to need a nap after all the tequila and burritos. Well at least I did. I got back to work in enough time to shut down my computer and show my face at least one last time. Aye Caramba!

8. Go to your favorite Mexican restaurant sporting your best St. Patty's Day outfit. If they look at you like your crazy tell them your going Green and ask them where was the love on Dr. King Day? Then shout out "I'ma tell you anotha thang. Somebody stole my piece of chicken. And I hopes they choke on the Goddamn bone!!!" This will likely get you a free meal. It works for me every year. Believe me nobody wants to come between a black woman/man and their chicken. Livin La vida Loca!

7. Show up to work in a Flamenco outfit, with a pinata and stick in your hand. The looks on everyones faces as you walk in should be amazing. Never mind Rosa the Panamanian laughing in the corner, she will never get promoted to head cook in the cafeteria with that attitude. Trust and believe, she really doesn't want to step to you while you are holding that Pinata stick in your hand and she wants the goodies out of the pinata! If she keeps it up start swinging that stick like she is the pinata and watch her run. After she leaves feel free to turn on Shakira's Hips Don't Lie and work your Flamenco outfit. Se Como Dice!

6. Ask your only Mexican co-worker what is Cinco de Mayo! I bet he wont be able to tell you! This is the most confusing holiday ever. It's supposed to be reflective of Mexican independence but really isn't because of some crap, something about Benito Juarez and General Zaragoza, yada, yada, yada. So that we are no longer confused I suggest we call up our local government officials and see if we can switch liquor day to another holiday and return Cinco de Mayo to it's Native land! Dios Mio!

5. Refuse to speak English at work. Keep a steady flow with your best espanol. This will keep all the annoying a$$holes away from your desk. The only people you have to worry about are the clean up crew who will now come to look at you as their translator and ticket out the ghetto! Be careful because Milagros will go from vacuuming holes in the carpet to micromanaging you. Aqui! Aqui!

4. Wear a Sombrero! It always brings a smile to people's faces, keeps the sun out of your eyes (not that there was any, well maybe in Mexico, but not here), and is the ultimate hater blocker. Dark Shades and tinted window's ain't got nothing on the sombrero. When people see you walking down the street all they will see is a hat and a body. Think about it, how can they hate on the person they can't see. Ahhhhhhh, the Mexicans are some real innovators. Que?

3. Babysit a Chihuahua. You don't have to be a dog lover to do this believe me I know. Those little adorable firecrackers are so much fun to hang around. After you have drank yourself into a tizzy these little fellas will keep saying Yo Quiero Taco Bell! and Here Lizard, Lizard! But you have to remember to drink first or else they wont say it! Aye Chihuahua!

2. Take a shot of Tequila, Cerveza, and Xtabentun at the same time. You don't want to disregard any group of Mexicans in any one region, so the best way is to mix all of their drinks into one killer shot. Literally you might die after drinking this concoction. But this way you have covered all groups and can get through the rest of your work day with a smile or maybe a fight! Just depends on how your body responds to alcohol! Y tambien Mama!

1. Wish DJ Anthology and his wife a Happy 1 Year anniversary. I know I know, they really shouldn't be trying to outshine the Mexicans on their day, but what are you going to do. That's between them and the Mexicans! I pity the fool!

NEW MUSIC MONDAYS

2008-05-04T19:21:00.003-04:00

Each week the shiznit is going to start bringing you our review of the latest music. Check back each week to hear new music and to see if the music is ShizNIT or ShizNOT worthy.

Jazmin Sullivan – “I Need you Bad” (Shiznit Worthy)

I like this song….it’s got that new Reggae and Blues feel too it. I’m sure it will begin to get a lot of air play. . Her voice is very reminiscent of Ms..Ohh La La La…her self Lauryn Hill..and she’s only 20. I’m just hoping that, that carpet muncher Missy ain’t turned out...LOL!! I can’t front on Missy though…the singles she touches be hot. Actually, this is the second song that missy has produced for her. The other track was, “In love with another man”…a slow R&B song, but it really showcases this girls vocal capabilities. I think that is when I new she was going to be the next girl to look out for. She is definitely what the game needs right now, someone that ain’t screaming, Keyshia Cole, and someone that ain’t just eye candy, Rhianna. I expect big things from Jazmine so keep her on your radar, the shiznit will definitely let you know when her new album drops.

John Legend and Al Green – “Stay With me(By the Sea)” (Shiznit Worthy)

This song takes me back to the good old days…when all we needed was music, love, and a little bit of refer. It reminds me of “Let’s Stay together"and "Love and Happiness". I’m liking the collabo between and him little John Legend. Their voices complement the track and I’m all for the live strings and instrumentation. I thinks it’s safe too say that after a 5 year hiatus(last album in 2003)…my man Al still has it..and I have to say it’s not too often that an artist’s voice can stand the test of time with all the drugs in the industry, inject Chaka & Whitney. So I’m looking forward to his collabo album. He’s been working the Root’s ?uestlove, and I have already heard a track with him and Anthony Hamilton, that is just as good.(next week people next week). I’m not sure when It will drop, but we will let you know.

Jayonce, Ursher, and Weezy -Love in this Club Remix (ShizNOT Worthy)

I don’t like this version of Love in the Club. Tell me…why must black folk always mess with a good thing…if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. What started out as a club banger about getting’ it on in the club has turned into some crappy slow song about Jayonce not wanting to give it up in the club…”I can’t get jiggy with this shit.” First off why must she cram an entire book into one verse. Just sing dammit. BTW, she is not the REAL queen B...all hail little Kim. Also, Just because you throw weezy on a track doesn’t make IT hot. I’m a big weezy fan..however, his latest callabos, (Mario and Lloyd) have been a little wack..it’s sounds like he just gets sizzzuryuped up in the booth and just says whatever the hell he wants. Not only that he is steeling T-pain’s steez with the vocal doohickey..(Yeah I know T-pain stole it from Roger). Anyway, I don’t like this version, it will not be played in any of my mixes. IMO, not shizit worthy…

Vic – Get Silly (ShizNOT Worthy)
I don’t even think this needs an explanation.

T.I. – NO Matter What… (Shiznit Worthy)

Well ya'll Mr. Planters Peanut is back and trying to shake that case off. Arguably, T.I. is probably the best rapper to come out of the south, which is why he is the self proclaimed KING. Now that he has gotten away with a slap on the wrist for those gun charges, he’s back with a new single for what I’m assuming is a new album. I like this song ...although the beat had to grow on me. TIP is actual rapping about something other than the TRAP. His lyrical content has always been fire. My favorite line:

“To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible. Even when winning illogical, losing is still far from optional”

I think it’s a good come back song to let those other sucka MC’s know he’s still got it after being on house arrest for so long. I think this next album is going to focus more on lyrical content than anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I think he still going to be talking about the Trap, Big Wheels, and partying, but I don’t think it will contain as much gun toatin’, pot smokin lyrics.(Partly because of his probation..LOL). This song is defiantly Shiznit Worthy and I’m looking forward to his next project.

Cornballs gettin' the Drawls

2008-05-01T09:22:00.005-04:00

As I sit back and look at the state of Hollywood I just have to bow my head. There are so many cornball's in the industry and they are getting the drawls like its nothing. I can only diagnose this as an outbreak of Lunacy going around. Lets examine this situation:

Case #1 Ray J. He has been linked to quite a few, but is best known for his fling with Kim Kardashian. She just so happens to be dating the oh so handsome Reggie Bush, but sadly has Ray J. attached to her resume. Damn shame! What's worse is that Ray J. has a semi-hit out now so there are certain women who will be fooled into thinking that he is now eligible to get their drawls. Most recently Ray has been linked to Whitney Houston. This all but confirms my belief that Whit is still on that stuff. I know she looks good and all but I still see signs of Crackheadedness! So to all of the women in Hollywood remember, Ray J. is the cornball who is always and forevermore going to be known as "Brandy's Brother", he brought you the hit "Wait -A-Minute", and attempted to be thugged out by signing to Death Row Records. Do you want that kind of Lamo on your resume of Man Candy?

Case # 2 Nick Cannon. It just doesn't get any cornier. Yet he has somehow climbed up the Jacob's ladder and landed in the bed with Christina Milian, Selita Ebanks, and now allegedly Mariah Carey. One for sure sign that he is corny is that he is always proposing to somebody. What's the rush Nick? I mean does he carry extra rings around in his pocket just in case he might get lucky? For all you desperados out there who are dying to get married Nick Cannon is your man. He will wife you in a week. However, if you are anything like me, and thine eyes have seen the Glory of the coming of the Lord and Drumline, you know this is not a good look. Mariah I implore you to remember this is the same man who recorded the tune Gigalo, but did not have one pimp bone in his body as stated in said song!

Case #3 My Baby Daddy otherwise known as BD- I know BD sounds like some sort of venereal disease, however when you bestow this name on the father of your child that is the point. I have to say he was the real reason this topic came into fruition. I know you are saying to yourself, I thought you knew better Mme. Editor. Well every Salmon has to learn how to swim up stream. So anyhow he sends me a text last night that says "Thanks for the birthday shout out!" For a minute it took me for a loop because I know I didn't send him a birthday nothing. I was certain that there had to be an attack of lunacy going around. First of all I thought I told you to never contact me again. Secondly its been some years since I last said anything to you regarding the worst day of the year (his birthday). Lastly, that is how you got the name BD because I can't stand you and wouldn't wish you a Happy Birthday if Bobby Brown was threatening to kiss me with his twisted lips. Then it hit me, "Oh this is his stab at trying to be sarcastic!" Maybe? So I one up him in true ME fashion and respond with "Thanks for the parental support!" Needless to say I rolled over and went to sleep and he is probably still marinating on my text right this moment. Every time I think about the fact that Mr. Cornball got the drawls, I try desperately, though unsuccessfully, to give myself a roundhouse kick to the face.

Top Ten Tuesday

2008-04-29T09:23:00.006-04:00

Well folks I know it has been a while, but if you get a monthly cycle you know what the repercussions may be. Hence my extended leave of absence. As I have had much needed time off from the daily grind of my thoughts I have come up with a stream of new ideas for the blog. My first idea is going to come to you today in the form of Top Ten Tuesday. I will come up with a list of 10 things that I feel should be discussed for Tuesday. Today's top 10 list are the most powerful black Actors. I would cast any of the following actors any day before the lackluster talent we have out there now. Alright, play that funky music White boy!

10. Gary Coleman- Arnold from Different Strokes. He always delivered his lines with such power and conviction. When he would say his signature line "What you talking bout Willis?" You could see the fire and desire in his eyes because he had such a passion for acting. Only a real actor could be 24 and pull off the roll of an 8 year old for 8 seasons! Name one actor who could pull that off today, and don't you even think about saying Mini-Me. He doesn't have half the pizazz of Arnold.

9. Haywood Nelson- Dwayne from what's happening was a permanent fixture in the windmills of my mine. This brother was fine and classy. He had a haircut like the Count from Sesame Street which can only be described as a Man Symmetric. It was so sharp and pointy at the corners of the cut, almost like a Hypotenuse Triangle. He was always dressed in a form fitting tee, bell bottom jeans, and the latest kicks. Recipe for a Hollywood Heartthrob. Hotness!!!!!!

8. Demond Wilson- Lamont from Sanford and Son. He wore a mean jean suit on every episode. I wish a lot of the young brothers today in Hollywood would wear more suits like this. I used to love when this brother said "Pop" every other word on the show! No one knows how to say Pop better than Demond Wilson. I am willing to bet his children call him Pop. As a matter of fact I think he patented and copyrighted the word! On Sanford and Son he was so cool that he had a friend named Rollo! Now lets sit back and examine this situation. Only a world class actor can convince studio execs that there should be a friend on the show named ROLLO! I have to say I have never met one Rollo in my lifetime, so that would make this brother an innovator. We need more like him in this industry.

7. Emmanuel Lewis- Webster from the hit show Webster. I don't know anyone else who has the name Webster, so he gets a shout out for that alone. He was the cutest little Sea Otter on television. Webster's giggle was classic and has not been remastered by anyone in Hollywood.

6. T.C. Carson- Otherwise known as the Oh so debonair Kyle Barker. This brother was clearly gay and he wasn't ashamed to tell the world. He wasn't going to change for no one. Not even for his role as a strait man on Living Single. This brother has integrity. He would walk around the set insulting his co-host Erica Alexander, who played his hated love interest, all while managing to swing his Fry Guy Dread Locks, show off his man ring, and show of his full lips which where moistened to perfection courtesy of M.A.C.'s lip glass. Carson also managed to sing a few ditty's on the show. I think they should make a compilation CD of his music from the show and call it Honey Roasted Jazz!

5. Bryton McLure- The showstopping Little Richie from Family Matters. First little Richie starts off as a peazy head baby with brown skin. Then in true Michael Jackson fashion he turns into a ghostly light, curly haired, albino. This little Michael Jackson imitator had his own built in Jheri Curl from the time he was 4, little shiny clothes, and moves that could compete with Whitney Houston. This is definitely one of my favorite childhood stars.

4. Gary LeRoi Gray- The mute baby known as Nelson Tibideux, on the Cosby Show stomped into the hearts of black America. He was the better half of the twin grandchildren of Claire and Heathcliff Huxtable. He was so talented he didn't even have to speak for his first couple of years on the show. He just sat in his playpen and gazed up into the sparkling eyes of his cast mates. As a baby he was able to play nice and share with his on-screen twin Winnie for hours on end while filming. How many young starlets do you know could have pulled that off? I don't like to play nice as an adult. Kudos to Gary LeRoi Gray

3. Bumper Robinson- This former child star has been in a plethora of films and television shows including Amen, A Different World, and the Jefferson's. I am still waiting for him to get that starring role that I know is out there waiting for him.

2. Curtis Baldwin- I believe you know him as Calvin from 227. His hair was always sharp. Whether it be the German chocolate color, the stylish shag with S-Curl Juices, or the slim fit acid wash jeans with troop tennis shoes. With a look like this they could have easily filled him in as a seventh member of New Edition. He is probably remembered most for his signature line "Ah come on Brenda!" He was often seen being slapped in the back of his head by his on-screen grandmother Pearl. As an actor he took those slaps like a pro. I am hoping his career can be resurrected in a Tyler Perry Film (he's worked magic for others).

1. Ben Powers- He played the stellar role of Keith Anderson (Thelma's Husband) on Good Times. He wins the number one slot solely on the episode where he slaps the soul out of Thelma and she wakes up with strait hair. He is just lucky James Evans wasn't still alive, because that kind of foolishness would have never gone down in James "Flared Nostrils" Evans house. However unbeknownst to the viewer Thelma had been hiding a little bit of James Evans-esque traits in her all those years. She hauled off and slapped him back and Keith gave her the most powerful hug given on TV to date. Another powerful moment for Ben on the show is when his character Keith's wounded knee is miraculously healed and he gets signed to the Chicago Bears. This was such an uplifting moment for black America as he moved the family from one apartment to another apartment across town. Sometimes I sit and wonder what that other apartment would have looked like if the show had been on another season.

Just another MANic Monday

2008-04-28T10:42:00.004-04:00

What a dreary day! Its raining cat's and dog's outside, someone stole my parking space at work, and my boss came in today when he said he wouldn't (what a tease). Well lets get into today's topic, DIVORCE!

With all of the reconciliations that are going on in Hollywood I didn't think there would be any divorce's any time soon. Well OK, I guess I'm lying. That is one thing that is guaranteed in Hollywood. However I was holding out hope after the run back of Kim Porter to Mr. Bitchassness, and Shaunie to Shaq. Well now the divorce that we all predicted prior to the wedding is going down. Star Jones and "G"al Reynolds.

Quite frankly this is no surprise to anyone but the Star. I feel the same way about Al Reynolds as I felt about Terry McMillan's husband, like I wanted to ask for fashion tips, and share girl stories, and watch the YaYa sisterhood together. As my good friend Doug J. would say these fellas are definitely Honey Roasted. Al Reynolds looks like Lionel Richie's gay brother. His hair is so shiny and shellacked into a neat coif of curlettes. His jewelry looks like pieces from the Liz Taylor collection. That Cheshire cat grin, courtesy of the oversize chompers, was just to "Ooooh, How you doing honeypie?" Star people tried to warn you, but since you are slim now cant nobody tell you nothing, with your big head self. Would you really marry someone who has an all male Toga Bachelor Party. First off I always thought of Toga Parties as a white people thing. He brought us two steps back as a race with that one. Can you imagine all of those glossy men showing each other their pork swords. Star you should have known better. But who cares, no one liked you when you were big, and they still don't like you thin.

Jesus Take the Wheel

2008-04-22T10:58:00.002-04:00

I have CRAMPS today. I will return tomorrow! The End.

Welcome Back Kotter

2008-04-21T11:01:00.004-04:00

Well I am sure this is no surprise to anyone, but Kim Porter is back. Did they really have to play around in the media and try to make us believe that she was leaving? Where is she going? However, does he have to spit in her eye before she feels insulted. Lets take a look at there tumultuous history.

The J. Lo years

K. Port and Diddy are chilling as a lovely couple. All the while he has a not so secretive crush on Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the block fronts on him for a while, then finally decides she can deal with him. So he gives Kim the boot. I know money makes people feel like they are on top of the world and can treat people like poo. Well in my mind he has a lot of nerve with those too close baboon eyes and his drooly wet mouth. Then to top it off he left her for a woman that was not black. People you know in our community, whether its Hispanic, French, German, or Chinese we still say he left for a white woman. Now I am no racist, but you know what this does to the sisters. Makes you want to do a roundhouse kick to the face.

So Puffy and Jenny start having bad times and she dumps his a$$. That made my day. Payback is a Puertorican B*tch. So of course who does he come running back too, Waiting in the Wings Kim! She sure knows how to stick it out. So to make sure she seals the deal this time she becomes preggers with little drooly wet mouth.

The Post J. Lo Years

Fast forward a couple of years he is cheating all over the place. Next thing you know she is pregnant with twins. So for nine months it appears that he is a changed man. I mean he almost had me fooled. So she has his first daughters, and thinks this will get there eternal life on and poppin. Old Puffer Fish decides to do an interview in Essence Magazine and insult her further by saying he wasn't going to marry her. Now I understand that when you have your first child together you might not want to get married because it might have been a mistake, blah, blah, blah. Now this bony perm head, has twins and he ain't ready to settle down. Then to make matters worse a woman pops up talking about she just had his baby too. Oh no, gots to go!

The Go Head Girl Years

So I guess Kimmy is embarrassed and decides to leave, which is what I would have done a long time ago. Get the money and run. I'm no gold digger, but there is no point in me having a baby daddy with money for lifetimes and utilize it. Take the money and find another Hollywood Cutie, with more money. Take lessons from Zsa Zsa Gabor (I know you don't think she made money from her acting skills). Fast forward to this past weekend they are back together. So ladies if you want to know who to blame for all the cheating men in the world, thank Kim Porter. She has sent a lovely message to the fella's that they can kick us in the head with a pointy toe boot and we will still be there. Thanks Kim!

Children of the Corn

2008-04-18T17:59:00.004-04:00

I am sure by now that you've all read or saw on the news information regarding the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) in Texas. Any religious group with a name this long is definitely up to something. Before I make any offensive statements let me say, I've been to Salt Lake City, UT, and thought I had a clear view of what these people were all about. From my experience they were very nice, keep an extremely clean city, they kind of talked like robots, but they weren't a part of polygamous marriages. Well clearly there is a group of Mormons that have vacated the premises and moved to Texas and are holding a different kind of church service. When I saw the news I said to myself "What the hell?" Take me higher, lord!

The worst of this travesty is the old men sleeping with the young girls. I don't know who I want to slap the most, the old perv's or the parents of these girls. I would like to meet these men because I would love to greet them with a Karate Kid style kick to the nuts. When they arrested the leader of this group, why didn't the officials arrest the rest of these men? These people were living at the Yearning for Zion Ranch in Texas. First Give Away that something is wrong. I don't know about you, but I have never used YEARNING and ZION in the same sentence. As a matter of fact the only time I use Yearning is when I am singing along with Charlie Wilson "My heart is YEARNING for your love!" I'm almost certain the men at this facility were using the term in the same way as the Gap Band.

The Amish must really feel good about themselves right now, because they are far more technologically advanced than this group. These people were like something out of a time capsule, especially the women and young girls. Lets start with the most obvious: The Hair! Everyone of them looks like they have a croissant or bundt cake on top of their heads. Then to further make me throw up this cornucopia was accented by some of the longest horsey braids I have ever seen. Its not natural to have hair that long, unless you are trying to hold down a spot in the Guinness Book of World Record. But......I digress! Moving on to the next breathtaking view: Those darn getup's! They have little house on the Prairie Dresses and not one of them owns a pair of pants. Do they know that pants are what liberated women. Those dresses were long sleeved and cassinett material (strait out of slave days). Just stop and think about this for a minute, they are in Texas. Its a wonder they didn't faint when they were released from the compound into the burning Texas Sun. The government should definitely donate shorts and swim suits to this bunch.

Finally lets focus on the beauty part of it: Unibrow, facial hair, no make up.
1. Of all the women that they took from that ranch, did they have to interview Unibrow Eunice? Her Unibrown just irritated the mess out of me. It was messing with my mental psyche, kind of like a creepy character out of an Austin Powers movie! What lowdown, dirty, scoundrel, snake in the grass, hath lain down with this woman? He's Nasty!

2. Some of these women also had facial hair. We have come too far, and I will offer up complimentary waxing to the whole cult.

3. No make-up in 2008 is a sin. Your most natural beauty will slide on lip gloss and a little shadow or liner. Why these old, manly looking, wildebeest think they are the exception is beyond me.

The Compound
The facility where these people were staying was scary. They were staying in Dorms and eating in a Cafeteria. Its like lifelong college, except you don't graduate. There were so many bunk beds in that place it look like an orphanage. What got me is that there were some bunk beds with three tiers. That is new to me. Never seen anything like it. What's worse is the weirdo parents had the nerve to have a full size bed in the same room. Please tell me they weren't doing their yearning in front of the kids. Gross

These women have been brainwashed, and its very sad. However I am willing to bet they make a mean dinner.

Order My Steps Lord

2008-04-17T20:34:00.019-04:00

Summers Coming, hot dogs will be sizzling, Sayquan will get shot (Again), Te'Te' will be sporting a new set of silver teeth courtesy of the baby bottle filled with Kool-aid, and everyone will only be able to afford half a tank of gas at a time. While all of this magnificence is going on the biggest crime known to man will slip by again with not so much as a citation. What is this godawful crime you ask? MANDALS (Man Sandals), this does not include flip flops! So all of you nervous flip flop brothers can calm down, you have been excused. However, traffic cops beware of the alligator strap up sandals. You will see them at every cookout, concert, and shopping mall near you. Women, I know you try to be supportive, but its time to stop playing games with your man.

There are various types of Mandals:

1. The Infamous Jesus Sandal- I blame white folks for this one just like slavery. We were doing alright until they introduced the Jesus Sandal. Who would do such a thing. Now the brotha's think its fine to glide down the street, showing off all the bumps and lumps that you know as his feet.

2. The Mule- Ladies if your man has a pair of these they were specially ordered and you should check to see if he is really into you the way he says he is. When this shoe was invinted it was strictly for the ladies. Why any man would want a shoe with the back out and a little heel on it, is besides me.

3. The Flat N' Strappy- This is the one I hate the most. You wanna tick me off, just show up with this shoe on and see what happens. I double dare ya!

4. The Flip Flop- The best Mandal of them all. You are able to preserve your sexy and your manhood with this shoe. And I understand that its summer and your feet are hot and need to breathe.

I blame one Brotha for all of this Mandal Mania: None other than Mr. Mandal himself BLAIR UNDERWOOD!

The Blair Underwood look is outdated and overrated. Don't know what the Blair Underwood look is, I'll Tell you! One ultra flowy, white, or cream colored thin cotton beach shirt (rolled up at the wrist), one pair of eggshell linen pants rolled up at the ankle. And to complete this beachykeen look,.....duh,duh,duh.........MANDALS! This is nothing to be excited about! Blair has a perm, why on earth would you take fashion advice from him.

The next time your man even looks like he might be thinking about purchasing a pair of Mandals, find your sharpest pair of stilettos and stomp all over his toes. If there are a pair of Mandals that I left off the list please feel free to let me know. Oh trust and believe, they will be added promptly. Dont want to leave any off before there is a violation of the Summer Fashion Code of Conduct.

Hair Affair needs Repair!

2008-04-16T14:30:00.005-04:00

Someone please tell me at what point did we decide that all young black actors had to have this curly Ronald McDonald lions mane. I have to say that I'm over it. Quite frankly sick of it. Damn near about to throw up. The look first started out in the Neo Soul world for those soulful singers who just didn't have enough color (i.e. Remy Shand, Maxwell, etc.). Don't get me wrong the look works for them (more Maxwell than Remy, but I digress). This look is excellent for adults. However this Swamp Poodle look has filtered down to the kids of Zebra persuasion on Disney and Nickelodeon. Or as I call them the Fry Guy's (you remember those little buggers from the 80's McDonald's commercials)! The pictures above are a sign that it has indeed gone to far. Its time for the black community to come together, put there foot down, and reclaim the marketable look that we want to put out there. Lets join hands (with scissors of course) and get busy.

First up to Bat for a cut: Corbin Bleu- Lets start by saying this is the corniest youngster in Hollywood right now. He doesn't have one cool bone in his body. Then to upset the viewing public he is always dancing around with that hair, which looks like something on the menu at the Macaroni Grill.

2-4: Tre, Jaden and Willow Smith- I mean do all of the Smith kids have to sport this look. Where's the Individuality Police when you need them. Tre has reached that age where its time for the cut. People might mistake him for Corbin Bleu. Not a good look! Jaden, who is cute just had the look a little to long. Besides he looks so much like his sister Willow that I sometimes mistake him as her twin sister. Willow lets slap a PCJ in that head and give her a scrunchy. Her hair hasn't grown any since she was one, so I think its safe to say this does nothing for her. Jaden's hair is longer than hers.

Oh and too my friends over at the Gap, Target, and Children's Place I am not letting you off that easy. I've seen your ads and all the black kids look just like the fry guys above. Curly hair, at least one black parent. What's up with putting Daekwon, Shay Shay, and Man-Man in the ads? Why cant the happy to be nappy get some press. No its always the flower child with sandy blond borderline red hair with a spring frock on and flowers in their hair.

The curly coils are sending out the wrong message to the black community because then everyone thinks there child can pull this look off. When it doesn't come out right, the parents have been backed into a corner. You know what happens next, they turn back to the Jheri Curl to achieve this look. Why would you want to make us go back to that shameful period in our history. It ain't right! So to all the parents out there just settle for the Easter Sunday press-n-comb, peazy ponytail, or a simple hair cut.

Snoop as the Godfather of Go-Go

2008-04-15T09:56:00.005-04:00

I have to be honest in saying I had to do a double take. A quick flash of Chuck Brown appeared in my peripheral view. Then I doubled back and said wait, Chuck done lost a lot of weight. He was looking ultra slim, but his Jheri Curl and hat was still in tact. Then a revelation came to me that this was not the Godfather of Go-Go, but an imitator. If you are from DC your will be able to spot out a hometown impostor. I took a closer glance and it was none other than the West Coast's own Snoop Dogg with tiny spiral curls. He was attending the Country Music Awards. Why? I don't know! These Hollywood folks are really getting bored. I doubt he knew one song that was nominated. But back to him and his Chuck Brown look. I quite frankly don't know why anyone would want to walk around looking like Chuck Brown. I mean we let Chuck slide because he's been doing it for so many years and because he's a hometown hero. However that doesn't mean we want fans to follow his fashion mishaps. You don't see anyone walking around DC dressed like this. Do Ya? I am proud to say that I never had a Jheri Curl or a Gold Tooth. However, I've been told I do a mean Run Joe! But I digress, Jesus take the Wheel!

What possessed U?

2008-04-14T10:58:00.010-04:00

This is just taking it too far. Yellow make up and Golden Hair does absolutely nothing for your sexy. Someone please tell me what Solange Knowles and R. Kelly were thinking. Why Lord? She looks like a Tranny and he looks like the bamma that I always knew he was. Solange will now and forever more in my book be known as Mr. Miss! If it isn't enough that she looks like one of the original Fraggles, she now looks like one of the boy Fraggles with a wig on. There is nothing wrong with looking like a Tranny if you are one, but if you are a lady this is just simply scary. On to Mr. Pee Pee himself! This is the biggest Foolwangary I have seen in a long time. Its always him or Bobby! If they are going to let R. Kelly slide on his past charges, they should at least lock his a$$ up for this. I don't know what is more wrong the fact that his hair is gold or that he has weave cornrows. Weave Cornrows are bad enough because they never look good. But on a man is even worse. To add insult to injury he sprays them gold in honor of his days peeing on people. Yuck! Let me guess the name of his new CD is Golden Shower and the the first single will be Soul Glo. He has a lot of nerve. How many hints does he have to drop that he is a pedophile for them to lock him up. What non-pedophile do you know walking around with Gold Hair? Hmmmmmm! None! He is posed off like one of those corny men in the hair magazines.

Hair Salon: Goldie's
Style: Goldie Locks
Model: Mr. LaFonze

I know one thing. These Cd's better be damn good when they come out. If not someone please slap Tina Knowles and Lock the "R" up!

Jayonce'/Bey-Z

2008-04-10T16:18:00.011-04:00

I have to be frank in saying I am so sick of these two and all the hype surrounding them. I declare we need a new it couple and NO, not Rihanna and Chris Brown (that was just too predictable). Jayonce' stop with all the privacy BS. Everyone is buzzing around like lifeless little peons wondering if they got married. Well I have a few words for them "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, BAMMA'S!" Truth be told I don't think they got married. She has been toying with us nosy gossip mongers and I am sick, sick, sick, sick of her sh*t. She kind of has that fake hate for the Paparazzi that Brittany Spears does. Yet every time I look that Godawful weave is floating across the screen about to smother Jay every step of the way. So now the young/old couple (she is young but dresses old, he is old but dresses young) want to play around with notions of a wedding. I frankly think they were just having a fancy dinner party and if that's the case I am about ready to give both of them a roundhouse kick to the face. If she really wants to keep people interested perhaps she should get a life changing hair cut. Oops too late Rihanna and Kelis beat you to it. Its like that nappy, peazy, outdated puffball is a security blanket. Now I don't want you thinking I have anything against wigs or weaves, its just time for her to let it go. Now back to these nuptials which are disgusting me.

First of all every woman I know would slap the doo-doo out of their man if they denied being married, why should she be any different. Secondly it doesn't matter whether you are married or not, Your Gonna Break Up. That's the nature of the beast in Hollywood. All the great ones have done it, Bruce and Demi, Elvis and Priscilla, and even the best one yet Bobby and Whitney have called it quits. So they might as well share all intimate details now because its all going to come out when you break up and decide on a tell all book. Thirdly they could get a little more spending change if they sold the rights to their wedding pics. Don't try to put on a front now like it's not about the money. Please Jay-Z+Beyonce= Oprah! You do the math. After this whole fiasco I can do without seeing them for a couple of month's.

Heart of the City: Part One by DJ Anthology

2008-04-08T09:29:00.015-04:00

Todays write up is provided by someone who I believe you know as Joe the Policeman from the What's Going Down episode of That's My Mama. Give it up for the Shiznit's own, Mr. DJ Anthology with a few words from Madame Editor-in-Chief, Yessssss. Let's first start by saying this was probably the best concert attended in a while. This is saying alot considering all the past concerts I've attended. Jayonce' and K-Ci's old Boo shut it down last night. However I have never and probably will never, ever, eva, evahhhh pay that much for a concert ticket again, but the show was worth every penny. The seats were great, shout out to all my peeps who were holding it down in sec 110.

First up was The Dream. His performance was one big pile of shiznit. He did three songs total, Falsetto, Shorty is a 10 and some other song that only one lame bamma with a ticket seemed to know. To make up for his shortcomings as a performer he did have 4 Pretty Hot And Tempting Dancers on stage gyrating as if this was going to be the paycheck to get them a ticket out the ghetto. These chicks had donkey butts and new how to use them. They were bending, stretching, and splitting in all directions during his entire set. The chicks over at the Penthouse needed to take some notes cause these broads were the truth. (Side Note: I told my wife to take notes too, we got an anniversary coming up...LOL!!) During Falsetto, they had some lesbo carpet munching action going on which was by far the best thing about his performance. The crowd went wild when he rolled out and said , “I’m not stupid I know ya’ll didn’t come to see me…LOL!!!” Bamma please exit stage left!

Anyway, 2 beers and a cup of wine later, the main attraction came on. The curtains opened and there was a movie screen playing a clip of Jay and Mary talking about their status’ in the game, how they respect each other, and yaddah yaddah. Then to hype the crowd a silloutte appears of Joe the Camel and MJB standing on stage, and I started to scream like a little girl. I wont lie I had a little Bitchassness in me that night!

They opened up the show with “Can’t knock the Hustle”, which is Madame Editor-in-Chief's favorite song. The crowd stood up and remained that way until the end of the show. Even Ima the old lady security guard was grooving, like she was at a Chi-lites Concert. The energy they have on stage together was amazing. Makes you wonder why they never got together. Imagine that! Okay nevermind, Yuck! Anywho, whomever thought to put this show together was a genius. The crowd was singing as if they were trying out for American Idol and not trying to disappoint Simon. Soon after Jay left the stage and Mary did her set.

All hail the Queen, because Mary never disappoints. Her voice was flawless, her body was worked out, and she looked amazing. She had everyone doing the happy feet to her classics like Real love, Be Happy, Reminisce, Family Affair and Enough Crying. She had everyone getting crunk up in that dancery. She kept everyone grooving for the first half of her set then slowed it down for the ladies. She sang I’m Going Down and proceeded to take it back to the Waiting Exhale days with Not Gone Cry wearing the all black lipstick . All the women went crazy and slapped every Man that was standing at their side just in case they ever thought about cheating.

Side Note- Madame Editor-In-Chief does not agree with any of DJ Anthology's Statement below, and will fire him the next time he says anything bad about MJB!

Now if you feel like I do, You know that Mary was in her prime when she had issues and therefore made her best music. So listening to her sing those bitter songs about love and betrayal made me want to commit suicide. She went into Your Child, and at that point it was time for another beer. She did a couple of songs off her new album that I don’t know, and some other hits. Then it was time for some more liquor. By this time I was pretty drunk and ready for Jigga my N*gga to come out. She predictably wrapped up her set with Just fine and the stage and crowd lit up. Mary’s performance was solid because puts her soul on the line when she performs which is why everyone loves her. She looked good, sang great, and gave everyone exactly what they wanted: A dime bag of MJB.

The Original King of R&B

2008-04-07T15:15:00.008-04:00

Bobby Brown is making sure he stays gainfully employed and on the minds of everyone. I feel like Every Little Step I take he will be there. He started his career as a Singer/Criminal. Since then he has stopped making music while humping across the stage and the Baby Mommas realized they ain't got a thang coming. Brown is desperately trying to find success in other arenas. Bobby was on two different reality shows (one as a Comedian and the other as a Comedic Country Singer), and is now writing a tell all book which I am sure will be hilarious. Being Bobby Brown in my opinion was one of the best darned reality shows ever, it was so funny. Who doesn't like to see folks cut up and act a fool? My favorite episode shows The King and his estranged wife Wiggy Houston standing over a grill singing Fire by the OHIO PLAYERS! It was like sitting on your porch in Southeast DC, being a nosy neighbor, only you didn't have to leave the comfort of your home. They should put more family programs like this on TV. Now Bobby, is writing a tell all book which I will be the first at the library to get a copy. I know what your thinking, "Why don't you buy it!" I am not paying for the further demise of the King in the Form of Crack. We need him around some more, I feel like we still haven't seen the best TV moment featuring Bobby.

In his upcoming book Bobby talks about Wiggy Houston, Janet Jackson, and Madonna. He pretty much blames the Wigster for his drug problems, which I have always said she was a user long before she met Bobby! He then goes on to tell how he dated Janet Jackson and she broke his heart. In my mind I dated Nas, he married Kelis and broke my heart. Do you see where I am going with this? In regards to Madonna he writes:

"By the time I reached my third single on the 'Don't Be Cruel' album, I was one of the biggest stars in the world. You know what that means. With success comes the women! A wise man once told me that. At this time, I probably had dated half of the industry, including Madonna."

First of all I saw Bobby Brown in Concert when the Don't be Cruel album came out and he was opening for New Edition. So quite frankly he wasn't that big! Secondly someone tell me who is this wise man he talked to, because there was never a time at the height of Mr. Prerogative's career where I was chasing him down. Now Ralph Tresvant, that's another story, but Bobby please! He spent the better part of his life looking like a Booger Cookie. I wont discredit his account about dating Madonna, because after all she did date Dennis Rodman.

Just when you think Bobby Brown won't embarrass himself any further his hot dog head son Landon decides to show up on Reality TV sounding just as bad as dad. As if the music wasn't enough to make you sick, you had to look at his big head, and pop rock teeth! What's sad is that he doesn't have dad's dance moves, or a connection with Babyface for a hit. Looks like the Kings Reign has come to an end.

Now that I think about it, why am I referring to him as the King? That "F"-ing Whitney Houston that's why. We all knew that Luther was the King, but we allowed a bony skeleton with shifting teeth to put it in our heads that Bobby was the King. I guess I also I got a good laugh every time I said it, including today.

Slippin into Darkness

2008-04-04T15:20:00.009-04:00

Well I am going to a wedding tonight and in my mind I already can think of all the things I am going to hate about it. First let me start by saying I think of marriage as crossing over to the Dark Side. I don’t know one Happy Couple that is over the age of 40. So if this is the case, why waste my time? I am of the mindset, if that is how things are going to end up, I can just float on! So back to this wedding I am going to attend, I love the bride and groom to be dearly, but I know their wedding won’t be any different than all the others. Which brings me to my top ten list of things that I absolutely hate about weddings. Let’s do this countdown. Drum Roll Please……….

10. The Church Service- I say everyone should eliminate the middle man and just go to the Justice of the Peace. After that is said and done, invite everyone to the Reception. Who doesn't like to Party? Plus I don't know about you, but I personally don't want to slob down my man in a CHURCH, in front of my FAMILY and FRIENDS. I mean I have really seen some people go at it. Get a Room! There is enough time at the Honeymoon, slow down!

9. Air Space-I don't know what it is but there is never a smooth transition from the wedding to the reception. This takes me back to my thought that everyone should just stop by their local JOP. It is so annoying to arrive at the reception and have to wait an hour or two for the bride and groom. Approximately how many raw vegetables do you think I am going to snack on while you take Photo's. Sista is ready to eat.

8. Announcements- I have always said that announcements should be reserved for high school homeroom. But no we insist that at the reception the whole darned wedding party has to be announced. "Introducing the Best Man Bay Bay Turner and he is escorting the baby mother of the brides brother Ro'taniqua Miller. Just come in and sit down. Then to add insult to injury they introduce the bride and groom as if we don't already know them. I mean they been shacking up for 10+ years, get them seated so we can eat. Sista is starving by this point. Which brings me to #7

7. Dinner Served- I don't care how much money is spent on a wedding or if your mother is Oprah Winfrey the food is always disgusting. Is there a secret handbook that states wedding food has to be disgusting? "The Macaroni's soggy, the peas are mush, and the Chicken taste like wood!" Thank goodness there is always that empty seat at the table, which I call dibs on their salad.

6. Toast to Life- The right person is never selected to give a toast. They always leave you with the same feeling "What the heck are you talking about?" They always drift off into la la land discussing things that have absolutely nothing to do with the newlyweds or their wedding. "You know I just want to say I grew up with the bride and she is so special to me, like that 50 Cent song. You know I love 50 cent, he is the best rapper out there. I dare any one of y'all to get up and say something bad about 50!" Whoa, are we at a wedding or the Source Awards.

5. The First Dance- Come on people this is not a recital. I don't want to dance with your father or my father and you don't need to dance with my mother and your mother. Cut that out, Get the music playing so I can dance off some of that dry meat, rice, and unidentifiable vegetable that was served earlier.

4. Last night a DJ saved my life- I love to dance at Wedding Receptions that is truly the excitement of the night. Here is when the guest have the opportunity to show off their best moves. The DJ usually is doing fine, then you get to the line dance portion. You are getting your groove on to the Cupid Shuffle, Booty Call, and any new shuffle that is out, When Mr. Music Man decides he is going to take it way back. You hear that whistle and right at that moment realize that the Electric Slide is coming on. Don't get me wrong I was a mean slider in my day, but its time to retire it and let it burn. And to my disappointment there are still folks out there that still don't know how to do it. Get Real!

3. Photographer- I am a paparazzi in my own right, so I don't need no weirdo with a camera to flash pics of me all night long. Next thing you know he done copied my face onto the body of Trina and is selling it on the Internet. Unless you have a digital camera where I can approve my pics, get out my damned face.

2. Garter/Bouquet Showdown- I absolutely hate this part of the wedding. They make you feel like a weird alien when they announce over the microphone "All the desperate, lonely, bitter, ugly, fat, skinny, low self esteem no man having women come to the floor and fight over the bouquet!" At that moment all of your married friends turn around with a look on their face, as if to say "This is your last shot at finding a man, Desperado." So you go out there just to show that you are a good sport, then low and behold the bride wants to play games. She is up there faking like she is going to throw the bouquet and doesn't, she does it again as if this is a joke. I want to wrestle every bride to the ground that does that. There is nothing funny about it. No thank you! As if this isn't enough the groom then proceeds to remove the garter from his wife's leg, which in my book is another one of those "Get a Room" moments. He tosses it out into a mixed crowd of single and married men. Then some freak catches it and has to slide this expensive piece of lace and satin up your leg, all while his tongue is hanging out his mouth. I have been the victim before, won't go down tonight!

And Finally Reason #1 why I hate Weddings

1. The Cutting of the Cake- Cut the damned cake already. I have been eyeballing that big ball of fattening sweetness all night long, and you have the nerve to make me wait through this travesty you call a wedding. Then the whole smashing of the cake in the face. Please I wish a ______ would! Wasting all that good cake. Happy Friday!

On a good note, my psychic says I probably wont be invited to another wedding again after this post.

Dr. King: Celebration of a life

2008-04-03T21:44:00.009-04:00

When I think of Dr. King the first thing that comes to mind is a famous quote from Coming to America. “Yeah, I met Dr. Martin Luther King in 1962 in Memphis, Tennessee. I’m walkin’ down the street, mindin’ my own business, just walkin’ along, feelin’ good. I walk round a corner. A man walk up, hit me in my chest, right? I fall on the ground? And I look up, and it’s Dr. Martin Luther King! I said, ‘Dr. King!’ He said, ‘Oops, I thought you was somebody else." As funny as this is the Life of Dr. King is no laughing matter. Growing up as a child in the 80's I had so many classmates who wrote papers about this great man. I have to be honest, back then I really couldn't grasp his greatness and quite frankly by the late 90's I was sick and tired of hearing about him. I couldn't grasp his excellence and was more interested in the history of slavery than that of the Civil Rights Movement. As an adult African American Female I now have great respect for King and his legacy. For the first time in life I had an emotional feeling about his death. I urge anybody who wants to be moved by this great man to pick up a copy of Life Magazine's Celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I leave you with a few of Dr. King's words about how he wanted to be remembered when he gave his "Drum Major Instinct" speech.

I'd like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life serving others.

I'd like for somebody to say that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to love somebody.

I want you to say that day that I tried to be right on the war question.

I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry.

And I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked.

I want you to say on that day that I did try in my life to visit those who were in prison.

I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity.

The Mothership has landed

2008-04-02T12:07:00.000-04:00

My many dedicated fans have been pressing me to pursue either a website, blog, magazine, etc. So here I am. Lets get ready to cut the hell up! I am very opinionated about Hollywood, passionate about real life situations, and love to add comedy to every expression that leaves my dome. For those of you who know how we do at the Shiznit, Holla, and for those who don't Welcome!